The humming noise you hear means it’s time once again for me to answer questions sent in to Parade Magazine’s Personality Parade.

A: What situation are you in that suddenly Kathleen Turner’s acting career needed to be clarified? Are you currently being held captive by a madman who demands you answer bizarre, nightmarish question or else he’ll eat your toes? If so, send another letter to Parade Magazine inquiring about how Hulk Hogan spends his free time. We will save you, Val. Never give up!

A: It’s actually a carefully crafted top secret message that gives the “go code” for an assassination mission in Peru. Your keen eyes caught the cryptic comment. Impressive. Have you thought of working for the government? Here’s another puzzle for you to solve: When it’s raining, umbrellas are useful.

A: Yep. Thanks for writing to Parade Magazine. It can be very tricky using the internet to find answers for questions like this. Granted, you would have found the answer even if you typed “Patrik Warrbnit Faml Gyy” or any variation of those letters into any blank space on any webpage, phone screen, or calculator. You could have also whispered your question on the wind and chances are good that the wind would reply, “Yes…don’t you have internet?”

A: Well he does now, blabbermouth. Thanks for ruining the surprise. Do you know anyone that wants a “You’re Related to Lincoln” cake? Hate to see this one go to waste. (sigh)

A: What? There must have been a screw up at the post office. Clearly this letter was meant for a different magazine. That would explain why the recent issue of National Geographic had a letter asking if Taylor Lautner enjoyed soup.