Parade Magazine keeps publishing the most amazing letters in their Personality Parade section. Once again, I take a crack at answering these insightful queries.

A: I just called my friend who works closely with the show and she said, “Wow! That’s a much better idea. We were just going to make it into a zany version of Monopoly. But movies? Hmm…you might have something there.” Thanks for the suggestion, Lee. Hollywood will be contacting you shortly to go over specifics.

A: Sadly, the status of this project remains a mystery and we must blindly turn on the TV every morning with fingers crossed, hoping today Elizabeth Berkley will let us into her life.

A: The movie was released three years ago. It was awesome. You didn’t see it? Oh man! You totally missed out! The special effects were amazing! It looked so real. Morgan Freeman smashed it out of the park with this one, friend. So good! And everyone in the theater got free iPods and Target Gift Cards. And then these hot girls were in the theater and they were, like, full on making out!!! And then they looked to everyone in the theater and asked, “Wanna join in?” It was intense! And then this guy who worked at the zoo came and let us all feed a turtle!!!

I can’t believe you missed it! By the way, wasn’t The Dark Knight Rises phenomenal?!

A: I give up. Why? [Dan waits for punch line]