Five dollars isn’t much, but for the price of a foot long sandwich I was able to purchase the very best thing I have ever seen in my entire life that costs five dollars. If you think I’m being over enthusiastic about my purchase, wait until the end of the article and ask yourself, “Was Dan being a tad hysterical?” If you answer yes, than you and I can’t be friends.

First some background: Five Below is a chain of stores that offer crap for about $5. It’s like a dollar store, but mildly less depressing. While hunting around the store for goofy presents for my cousin’s birthday, I saw a small box on a lower shelf that called to me and I forgot all about my cousin’s birthday. I picked up the box, blew the dust off it (gross, right?) and saw something that is best shown instead of written about:

It’s called Horror Clix, but I think a better name for this toy is Holy Freaking Crap. Just look at it. Notice the price tag? $5!!! Five bucks for all six of these nightmarish figurines, plus a scary tree that is twice as big as the figures. If you include the tree, the price works out to 71.4-cents per figure. But wait, there’s more. So much more.

Look at what you get!!! Look at it!

See folks, this isn’t just a collection of tiny terrifying people and a tree. It’s a game. A game with dice. A game with an instruction book larger than most magazines. A game with a poster-sized fold-out reversible game board that you could hang on your wall as some sort of abstract work of art. It also includes a bunch of cards and cardboard pieces.

And a plastic tombstone! And a tomb-pillar. (By the way, I just claimed the name Tomb-Pillar for my children’s book about a depressed caterpillar that doesn’t fit in with society.)

All for five dollars. Five dollars is what I exchanged for this collection of fun. That’s it. Five dollars.

Now to be honest there’s not a chance in hell that I will ever play the game – at least not as the game makers intended. The rules sound boring and it involves numbers. I didn’t buy this hoping it would entertain friends at a sophisticated dinner party. I bought it because the figures are scary and stupid in the best possible way.

Here’s a rundown of each figure in order of importance (from least important to most important). I’ve assigned them new names because their given names are horrible:

7. Given Name: Skeleton
New Name: Paul McDanger

He’s not bad, but I’ve never been a huge fan of living skeletons. Whenever I see a living skeleton in movies and in my dreams, I always shout, “How do your damn bones stay together?” I’m willing to believe in giant spiders and dragons, but I can’t get past that plot hole. The bones wouldn’t stick together like that. There needs to be some sort of binding agent and until Hollywood explains to me how a skeleton is able to walk around and talk, I will never be a living skeleton enthusiast. Sorry. That’s just how I feel.

6. Given Name: Lynch Ghost
New Name: Vengeful Josh

Josh is interesting because his body is made of clear plastic and is therefore better than a living skeleton. But I wish the manufacturer hadn’t added the unnecessary and offensive noose or the word “lynch.” This is why renaming Josh was necessary and according to the back story I just made up, he once owned a pet shop until one day he was accidentally hanged during a horrible kite accident on a rather blustery day.

5. Given Name: Blood Vamp
New Name: Linda

Linda is a goth girl who is offering me a skull. Her super power is generosity. I won’t ask where she got the skull. That would be rude. Her name implies she’s a vampire, but I’m sick of vampires so in my mind she’s a were-spider and she’s allergic to peanuts. (The peanut allergy makes everything more real.)

4. Given Name: Bane Wolf
New Name: Bernard the Werewolf

If you’ve read my Twilight Blog then you already know my feelings on werewolves. Bernard’s figure comes complete with the severed head of a deer. I don’t feel sorry for the deer. Surely the deer wronged Bernard in some way and Bernard is simply seeking justice. I support Bernard and his principles. But if a werewolf ranks a mere 4 on the list, that means the remaining three items must be, like, double werewolves.

3. Given Name: None.
New Name: Harold the Misgiving Tree

He’s the reason I bought this. In a less wonderful world, I may have spent upwards of $3 just for the tiny frightening tree. He’s the type of tree that I imagine would grow if you planted evil acorns and watered them with barf and tears. Worth. Every. Penny.

2. Given Name: Chainsaw
New Name: The Instance

According to the game, this character is named “Chainsaw,” and proof that the character names were generated by the same person who named the fruit orange, orange. Yes, he has a chainsaw. But that’s just a tool he uses to get the job done. Had the same person named Harry Potter, Harry would be called “Wand.” And so I re-named him “The Instance.” What does that mean? You don’t want to know. Why is he wearing a bunny mask. I don’t want to know.

1. Given Name: Outpatient
New Name: Arthur the Un-Man

First you’ll notice he’s wearing a straight jacket. Then you’ll notice he has six tentacles. And then…you die.

And that’s what you get for 500 pennies. Also included in the game is a ring-like plastic thing that you use to turn the dials beneath each figure. I had hoped the figures would snap securely into the ring and I could walk around town with an Un-Man on my hand, but sadly the pieces don’t connect well and to wear the monster on my finger, I have to hold my hand very still. Now you know why I need super glue.

So? Is this the very best thing you can buy for five dollars? Your eyes filled with jealousy tears are all the answer I need.