Each week I offer up my own answers to the awe-inspiring questions sent into Parade Magazine’s Walter Scott. Here is this week’s roundup:

A: Good God no! Who told you that?! Who told you that horrible, filthy lie? Sorry for yelling. You didn’t do anything wrong. It must have been scary when someone told you that stuff about Mr. Williams, huh? Well it’s not true and you were right to come to Parade Magazine. You can talk to us about anything. You know that, right? And if Parade Magazine isn’t around, you can always ask a police officer or principal. Now let’s go get milkshakes.

A: While I’m on hold with Hollywood, let me take a few minutes to remind you that America is at war with two (or three) countries right now, tragedy is running rampant around the globe, we’re currently in the midst of The Great Depression II, and the world is running out of bees. But using your one question to inquire about the Twilight house is a good use of…wait…hold on.

[Dan listens to the phone]

Hollywood says the exterior shots are of a real house, but the interiors were built on a soundstage. They also wanted me to remind you that the Smurfs movie is coming out this summer and they ended the call by screaming, “Smurf’s up!”

A: Really, Diane? I can detect the seething sarcasm in your question. Stop being such a bitch. Bonnie doesn’t deserve that.