Tag Archives: Monster of the Day
Monster of the Day #61: Humpty Dumpty’s Mom
Name: Humpty Dumpty’s Mom
Powers: Super strength, super size, super fury, capable of short flight.
Weaknesses: Fear of walls.
Origin: The mother of the giant egg Humpty Dumpty went on a killing spree after learning of her dear son’s death. She took revenge on not only the king’s men and horses but also the brick layers and architect who built the deadly wall. Thousands were killed.
Description: Chicken large enough to produce a human-sized egg.
Rules: If you hear a deep, guttural cluck, it’s too late.
Last Seen: Unknown. Her grandson, Nathan Dumpty, carries on the family tradition of bloodshed.
Monster of the Day #60: More Than Rock
Name: More Than Rock
Powers: Tough, old, judges your body.
Weaknesses: Lava, loneliness.
Origin: Sometimes ghosts don’t possess humans; they possess rocks.
Rules: Leave them alone. Don’t listen to them. Sticks and stones can break your bones, but the words of stones (or sticks, for that matter) can’t hurt you.
Description: Rock-like. No feathers.
Last Seen: At the playground by the place where that kid got a bloody nose.
Monster of the Day #59: Air Worm
Name: Air Worm
Powers: Flight; crawls into ears and noses to lay eggs; silent
Weaknesses: Lava; magnets; sharpshooters; air fish; wind
Origin: These creature use a type of literal animal magnetism to float through the air.
Rules: They don’t mean to harm humans, but sadly dozens of people are killed each year by the air worm, and another 66,000 are grossed out.
Description: Tiny flying snake.
Last Seen: They thrive in parks and grassy areas and they just love, love, love a longitude of 85-degrees.
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Monster of the Day #16: Skycore the Huntress
Name: Skycore the Huntress
Powers: Skycore is a powerful goddess who can control lightning and melt bones with her mind knives. She can also communicate with sharks and bend time. However, she’s very lazy. Very, very lazy. Instead of using her powers, she decides to watch YouTube clips while eating Wheat Thins dipped in peanut butter. Often she doesn’t wake up until noon. Is that a power? Because she’s really good at it.
Weaknesses: The internet. Wheat Thins. Reality TV game shows.
Origin: She was born when the cosmos was a barren abyss void of time and reason. She has been here longer than infinity. Her’s is a history of power and madness. She destroyed kingdoms with a wave of her hands, battled the Earth’s mightiest warriors, conquered entire planets! And then one day the internet was invented and it robbed her of all ambition.
Rules: She hates going places and doing stuff.
Description: She wears pajama bottoms, flip flops (even in January) and a frumpy sweatshirt. Also, her blood is made of crystal.
Monster of the Day #14: Thesh
Name: Thesh
Powers: Thesh is a demonic snake with hair made of tiny people. If you stare at the Thesh, nothing will happen. But if a stone stares at the Thesh or, more likely, if the Thesh stares at a stone, the stone will turn into a person.
Weaknesses: Ladders. The vacuum of space. Lava. Panthers.
Origin: Thesh was once the pet of an evil sorceress named Tina. During a mountain hike with her pet, Tina was crushed to death in an avalanche of confused naked people.
Rules: The rocks that the Thesh turns into people are generally annoying and brag a lot about college. If you’re near a person who brags about college, chances are that person is a former rock.
Description: Snake with people for hair. The people are genuinely nice and have the cutest Irish accents.
Monster of the Day #13: The Bxyv3urx
Name: The Bxyv3urx (Pronounced “Bxyv3ur-Ten”)
Powers: None. It’s just really weird.
Weaknesses: Salt water. Cinnamon water. Lava. Heavy shovels. Fists.
Origin: The Bxyv3urx comes from the Yz-pz dimension, a deranged place where things are unusual and bizarre. For instance, in the Yz-pz dimension corn is called “sun carrots.” Isn’t that completely bonkers?!? And…um…well actually, the whole corn thing is the only weird part of the Yz-pz dimension besides The Bxyv3urx. It’s a very normal place. They have great soups.
Rules: The Bxyv3urx considers it rude to talk in a bathroom.
Description: The Bxyv3urx is roughly the size of a dog and does not have horns.
Monster of the Day #12: Craig
Name: Craig
Powers: Craig only exists in dreams. If you see Craig in your dreams that means you will die within 36 hours.
Weaknesses: None.
Origin: Koalas are evil. Did you know they were invented in a dream and then clawed their way out of the dream world using dark magic and claws? Of course not. No one is willing to talk about it. It’s too scary. Craig is the only koala who stayed behind in the dream world. If you see a koala in your dream, it is Craig. If you see more than one koala in your dream, it is Craig with a mirror.
Rules: In the dream world, Craig likes to hang out near the noisy wall and the store that sells your own clothes.
Description: He looks like a koala.
Monster of the Day #11: The Calculus Clown
Name: C.C. the Calculus Clown
Real Name: C. C. the Guy
Powers: Very good at math. Can harness the powers of both clown anxiety and math anxiety to cause distress, nervous stomach aches, and nightmares in his victims.
Weaknesses: Friendship. Lava. Throwing stars.
Origin: Unspeakable.
Rules: The Calculus Clown only exists if you don’t believe in him.
Description: He is a clown with pointy ears. His breath smells like hair and rust.
Monster of the Day #10: The Phantom of the Escalator
Name: The Phantom of the Escalator
Real Name: Bernard Gomez
Powers: He can move about an escalator as a dolphin dances through water. He also has fireworks.
Weaknesses: Stones. A strong shove. Mall security. Mean kids. Lava. Teenagers. Sticks.
Origin: His beloved wife, Betsy, left him for another man. He didn’t take it very well. His grace on the escalator is attributed to a special bone in his ear which gives him tremendous balance. He gets his fireworks from this guy who mows his lawn.
Rules: The Phantom will never show his face because he thinks he has a fat neck.
Description: You’ll know him when you see him.
Last Seen: Eating waffle fries in the food court.