Powers: The beast has strong tentacles with a very sharp fang on each. Number of known tentacles is 39…40 if you count its tentacle-esque eye.
Weaknesses: Friendship. Helicopter missiles.
Origin: Hard to explain, and you wouldn’t believe me anyway. Jerk.
Rules: Don’t sing. Singing beckons the beast.
Last Seen: Tuesday.
Powers: Strong survival skills; very fertile; mean; good at guessing Wheel of Fortune puzzles.
Weaknesses: Society’s standards.
Origin: She had a lot of kids once and was made the subject of a famous nursery rhyme, though the size of her shoe is often exaggerated by nursery rhyme illustrators.
Rules: Don’t ask her about the other shoe. You’re better off not knowing.
Description: Old, cranky woman with one barefoot. She sometimes dates Old Father Hubbard, who is recently single after Mother Hubbard’s tragic and suspicious death.
Last Seen: Getting kicked out of TGIFridays after losing a fight over the semantics of the sign: No Shirt, No Shoes, No Service.
Powers: When aggravated, he becomes small, weak, and annoying. (Like most people. SNAP!) When calm, he’s really, really strong and awesome.
Weaknesses: He can easily be lulled back into a state of calm if you just tell him some stupid quote or platitude like, “Don’t sweat the small stuff, buddy.”
Origin: The Reverse Hulk is the result of too much gamma radiation mixed with Red Bull.
Rules: He hates paper cuts, traffic, and cranky online comments.
Description: He usually looks like a giant wrestler and always wears purple cutoffs because he thinks the ladies love his legs. When pissed off, he becomes tiny and green.
Last Seen: In New York fighting The Adequate Four (A superhero family made up of Visible Woman, Mr. Adequate–who has limited flexibility, The Human Person, and The Other Thing–who is just some guy with bad skin).
Powers: Insatiable appetite; giant fangs; filled with coal.
Weaknesses: Continental shift; zoning laws; other states.
Origin: Pennsylvania is not a state, but a cosmic beast who is resting here on Earth. Someone–I won’t say who–woke Pennsylvania up and now it’s cranky.
Description: It’s Pennsylvania.
Rules: You can’t buy fireworks in PA–at least not the good kind.
Last Seen: Slowly chewing on New Jersey.
Powers: He’s a dinosaur with his own train. Nothing can stop him!
Weaknesses: Areas without train tracks.
Rules: He never hits the brakes. Never. Also, a 10-trip commuter ticket saves you roughly $40 a week, so plan ahead.
Description: He’s a tyrannosaurus in a train.
Last Seen: Trying to locate the Polar and/or Hogwarts Express tracks.
Powers: Unknown. Seems interested in the moon. Very interested. One guy says he saw Sherman eat an entire roll of nickles. According to legend, he can manipulate gravity by spinning gravity traps the way a spider spins a web.
Weaknesses: Unknown, though he reacts oddly towards shadows.
Origin: Known, but sworn to secrecy.
Description: He always dresses warmly.
Last Seen: Ohio.
Powers: Intelligence of a first grader armed with an electrical whip.
Weaknesses: Easily distracted, doesn’t react well to lava, despises loud noises.
Origin: Unknown, but it would probably make a hell of a movie.
Rules: Don’t go near him. Don’t swim if he’s standing by the pool. Avoid eye contact. Avoid whip contact.
Last Seen: Buying batteries at Radio Shack.
Powers: Loud, scary sneezes that sound less like a sneeze and more like an alien language…because it is an alien language.
Origin: She comes from beyond the stars and above time itself.
Description: She can take many forms. She wears clothes on the outside.
Rules: If you hear her sneeze, quickly hold your ears so her weaponized language/alien spell doesn’t control your mind.
Powers: Super strength, super size, super fury, capable of short flight.
Weaknesses: Fear of walls.
Origin: The mother of the giant egg Humpty Dumpty went on a killing spree after learning of her dear son’s death. She took revenge on not only the king’s men and horses but also the brick layers and architect who built the deadly wall. Thousands were killed.
Description: Chicken large enough to produce a human-sized egg.
Rules: If you hear a deep, guttural cluck, it’s too late.
Last Seen: Unknown. Her grandson, Nathan Dumpty, carries on the family tradition of bloodshed.