Name: C.C. the Calculus Clown

Real Name: C. C. the Guy

Powers: Very good at math. Can harness the powers of both clown anxiety and math anxiety to cause distress, nervous stomach aches, and nightmares in his victims.

Weaknesses: Friendship. Lava. Throwing stars.

Origin: Unspeakable.

Rules: The Calculus Clown only exists if you don’t believe in him.

Description: He is a clown with pointy ears. His breath smells like hair and rust.

Name: The Phantom of the Escalator

Real Name: Bernard Gomez

Powers: He can move about an escalator as a dolphin dances through water. He also has fireworks.

Weaknesses: Stones. A strong shove. Mall security. Mean kids. Lava. Teenagers. Sticks.

Origin: His beloved wife, Betsy, left him for another man. He didn’t take it very well. His grace on the escalator is attributed to a special bone in his ear which gives him tremendous balance. He gets his fireworks from this guy who mows his lawn.

Rules: The Phantom will never show his face because he thinks he has a fat neck.

Description: You’ll know him when you see him.

Last Seen: Eating waffle fries in the food court.

Name: The Hork

Powers: The Hork can swallow an entire horse, or a horse-sized cow.

Weaknesses: None…not even lava.

Origin: Unknown. Possibly a deformed giant duck or hairless, bear-like slug.

Rules: The Hork will kill you even on your birthday. The Hork has no concept of money.

Description: The Hork is roughly the size of a van or very, very small airplane. It slides on a thin layer of mucus and smells like giraffe blood.

Name: The Eye Fairy

Real Name: Holly Babbits

Powers: The Eye Fairy can fly for up to 8 miles (10 miles on windy days). She wields the mythical Pliers of Gath, a legendary weapon which can rip out a person’s eyeballs. Regular pliers would work too, but the Pliers of Gath are indestructible and smell like coconut.

Weaknesses: Locked windows. Whips made of fire. Her own reflection. Regular whips. Lava. Bees. The reflection of Selena Gomez.

Origin: The Eye Fairy is the Tooth Fairy’s cousin. She is also related to the Tongue Fairy. She is not related to the Lung Gnome, though they dated for a few weeks in the 90’s. She used to babysit for the Spleen Fairy. And when the Knee Fairy married the Spine Fairy, she went to the the wedding despite only knowing these two through work and hardly considered them friends.

Rules: The prudish Eye Fairy steals the eyes of those who gaze upon inappropriate websites.

Description: She wears a gown made of seahorse skin. Attached to her enchanted belt made of unicorn hair is a soggy bag filled with eyes.

Name: The Maul-Phin

Real Name: Unknown

Powers: The Maul-Phin uses his machine body to kill and maim. He can also spew hot, fiery exhaust from his blowhole.

Weaknesses: Harpoons. Lava. Stairs. Julie Apocalypse. Rust. He cannot leave the saltwater tub of his machine body.

Origin: The Maul-Phin was a regular dolphin who was cut in half by a lighting. The dolphin’s upper-half was found struggling in the ocean by a mad scientist who placed the sea mammal into a bipedal robotic body. He was given claws for arms, and the exhaust system of the robotic body was piped through the dolphin’s blowhole. Thus, the Maul-Phin was born.

Rules: The Maul-Phin is on a quest to find his tail. Those who stand in his way die from claw attacks or strong kicks. The Maul-Phin has a low tolerance for men who wear necklaces.

Description: He is a dolphin with a robot body – kind of hard to miss.

Name: Julie Apocalypse

Real Name: Julie Mercedes Apocalypse

Powers: Julie has the ability to make a person feel as though they walked through a spider web.

Weaknesses: Black holes. Bullets. Poison. Peanuts (she’s allergic). Angry horses. Lava.

Origin: Julie was the school outcast until one day she discovered her unique power while doodling on her shoe and staring at this boy she liked in the park. Scared and embarrassed, she vowed to only use this power as a last resort. But that vow was broken.

Making someone feel as though they walked into a spider web is a power few teenagers can handle, and soon she became addicted to the magic, using it to strike fear in the hearts of her enemies. Money and respect soon followed. She is among the most dangerous creatures on the planet, and lives safely in her secret mansion, The Hurt Hut. The next time you feel like you just walked through a spider web, know that you’ve just been kissed by Miss Apocalypse.

Rules: Waving your hands in front of your face only makes it worse.

Description: She looks like a typical young woman. Her shoes are often covered in drawings. She begins every conversation with a creepy, “Well, well, well…what have we here?”

Name: Saber-Toothed Lincoln

Real Name: Steve Lincoln

Powers: Presidential power of veto. Strong bite. Cat-like agility. Snake-like charm. Wolf-like sense of smell. Bear-like strength. Walrus-like hunger. Dolphin-like playfulness. Penguin-like psychic ability.

Weaknesses: Lava. Old-timey pistols.

Origin: The Saber-Toothed Lincoln was an accident caused by scientists trying to create the ideal world leader. The project was based on Dr. T-bone Salinger’s research paper, “What if Abe Lincoln Had Animal Powers?” The cloning project was successful, but the animal part of Steve Lincoln’s brain took over and he is now a primitive beast-man roaming the world with animalistic and (minimal) legislative power.

Rules: Saber-Toothed Lincoln lives only by one rule: There are no rules. He also thinks birds should have the right to vote. He thrives in both salt and fresh water.

Description: He looks like Abe Lincoln with giant teeth. Early in the morning, he looks vaguely like Liam Neeson with giant teeth.

Name: The Tentacle

Real Name: Weird Tent

Powers: The tent-like creature devours its victims and converts human matter into energy.

Weaknesses: Lava. Heavy rain and gusty wind. Weak tent stakes. People wearing mesh shorts or CK One perfume.

Origin: The being was first sighted in the 1980’s during a family camping trip. After the Tentacle ate his younger brother, Scotty Phillips said, “Holy crap. It’s like a tent monster – a tentacle, if you will.” His dad wanted to correct him and teach him that a tentacle is actually a long flexible appendage, but his dad was too busy screaming at the time. So the name stuck. No one is sure where it came from and what it wants, though this one guy in Denver thinks it’s a deformed coyote with a zipper.

Rules: The Tentacle is relatively benign and will only attack if you walk into its gaping maw. Let this be a lesson to those who enjoy rummaging through strange tents. The Tentacle cannot digest mesh shorts or CK One perfume.

Description: It looks like a tent and smells exactly like a wet Will Ferrell.

Name: The Ball-Goon

Real Name: The Ball-Goon

Powers: A super strong, sentient balloon, the Ball-Goon has the ability to carry its victims above the Earth’s atmosphere. It can carry up to 300 lbs. unless it’s very windy. At first, the person holding the balloon thinks this is the beginning of a fun adventure and so the person will usually hang on tightly. The victim either dies from lack of oxygen, has a heart attack, or falls back to the ground.

Weaknesses: Lava. Scissors. Birds. Airplanes. Helicopters. Lightning. Javelins. Greasy hands.

Origin: During an armed robbery at the party supply store, a thief was shot and killed by police officers. Moments before dying, he blew his last breath into the balloon. Thus, The Ball-Goon was born.

Rules: The Ball-Goon will only attack the first, second, and third born children, and those who complain about the ending of LOST.

Description: It looks like a balloon. It does not look like a drawbridge. If you are being attacked by a drawbridge-like being, you are probably dealing with Drawbridge Wendy.