LaserFarm’s First Birthday!

LaserFarm.com was launched a year ago, and what a year it’s been. From Lego Advent Calendars to Daily Monsters, this webzone has seen it all.

For the occasion, I drew this.

That’s not a boob at the bottom. It’s a cupcake, seen from directly above. It has pink icing and yellow sprinkles. The blue candle is in the middle. The orange is the fire. Pretty good, right?

Fine.

It sucks. I know. I kinda phoned this one in. But hey, remember when I painted that octopus? That was cool, right?

And remember when I used to answer Parade Magazine questions? Ho-ho! What a laugh!

Thank you for your continued support. You are my life now.

December Preview

NaNoWriMo kicked my ass and I admit defeat. With only 3 days to finish my novel I’m left with a few options:

1. Give up.

2. Write 25,000 poorly chosen words in 72 hours all for the sake of “winning.”

3. Put the story on hold and prepare for the very best month of them all.

I’m going with the third option.

This does not mean the adventures of Space Ape Samuel Chichester will go untold. I am working on the story every day, though I’ll no longer be publishing the rough draft here on Laser Farm.

Instead, I’ll publish the entire, revised, book in January.

Since the second day of NaNoWriMo I wanted to rewrite the story and focus on certain things and delete other ideas. This is my chance to do just that. When finished, the book will be leaner, funnier, more exciting, and less ungood.

NaNoWriMo is a fun exercise, and I plan to participate next year. I apologize to those whom I let down.

So, what can you expect from Laser Farm in December? Pure internet joy.

The Lego Advent Calendar shall once again be opened. Starting on December 1st, I’ll open one of the calendar doors and reveal the treasure inside. Amazing photos will accompany the wonderful words. Video too…maybe. You still have time to buy your own Lego Calendar if you want to join the fun.

There are two calendars this year: The Star Wars Calendar, and the regular City Calendar (set #7553). I’m opening the City Calendar.

Email any photos of your own Advent calendars, Lego or otherwise, and I’ll try to post them along with the daily blog. (dan@laserfarm.com)

Speaking of photos, the amazing Pauline on Facebook made this shirt for the Breaking Dawn movie. The front of the shirt says “Team Optimus Beyonce.” This is the best shirt of all time. Pauline, you are a perfect person.

Speaking of shirts, you can buy your own Team Dan T-shirts from my Cafepress store. Read the descriptions carefully. Some have “Place Jetpack Here” written on the back, and some do not.

I have more surprises and treats planned for December, including short stories, poems, drawings, and words.

In January, I’ll finally be starting up The Dan Bergstein Interview Project after months of planning.

Also in January, Monster of the Day will be back along with some new ____ of the Day items. Dan’s Lie of the Day on Twitter will make its triumphant return as well.

Things on the Laser Farm will be quite busy.

And, of course, there are some amazing articles and videos planned for SparkNotes. Maybe even a video live-blog of a Christmas movie…

You have been warned.

Hope you had a fun NaNoWriMo.

You are my life now,
Dan

Trees Suck! (And some updates)

First: I am without electricity thanks to the Storm of the Eon. According to my power company, I may have electricity on Friday. Yay!

Second: I’m still doing NaNoWriMo. Updates will be found here on Laser Farm. Updates will be daily…hopefully.

Second (Part Two): Made this video just for you: CLICK IT!

Third (Part One): Did you read my New Halloween Safety Rules? Click here for the fun. And click here for my old Blogging It’s the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown!

Every Quil Joke From Blogging Twilight

Here is every Quil joke from Blogging Twilight.


Blogging Eclipse: Part 8
It begins!
QUIL: You look lovely tonight, Claire. Is that OshKosh B’gosh? It’s very becoming.
CLAIRE: You face is funny. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
QUIL: Claire, you’re so witty.
CLAIRE: Chicken ‘uggets!
QUIL: Are you hungry?
CLAIRE: I want chicken ‘uggets!
QUIL: I’m not sure they have chicken nuggets on the menu, my love.
CLAIRE: [PUTS HAND ON HEAD] I’m a rabbit!
QUIL: Um…ok.
CLAIRE: Can I go on slide?
QUIL: You mean at the park? Put down the fork, my dearest. It’s not a toy.
CLAIRE: Can I slide at park?
QUIL: But the park is far away. And it’s nighttime.
CLAIRE: Why [unintelligible] the man [unintelligible] a horse? Drum!
QUIL: Um…
CLAIRE: Train?
QUIL: No, we can’t go on the train tonight, honey. Put down the spoon. Where is your shoe?
CLAIRE: Twinkle! Twinkle! Little! Star! [BANGS SPOON ON THE TABLE]
QUIL: I love you too.


Blogging Eclipse: Part 9

QUIL: You should have seen her on the motorcycle. I’ve seen toddlers with better balance. And I would know. I’m dating one!

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Book Review: Supergods, by Grant Morrison


If you read only eighteen books about narrative structure and the history of comic books and culture, then Supergods: What Masked Vigilantes, Miraculous Mutants, and a Sun God from Smallville Can Teach Us About Being Human, by Grant Morrison should be one of them. It’s the best non-fiction book I’ve read in a long time and I loved every word.

I shy away from non-fiction most of the time. I don’t trust it. Biographies and autobiographies are rife with exaggeration and flat-out lies. Books about the economy, self-improvement, society, cows, etc. are all biased, and filled with hyperbole and more lies. And generally speaking, non-fiction books are bloated with fluffy chapters that are there only to make the book seem more booky.

I prefer my non-fiction in magazine form. Having worked in the magazine business, I know that even glossy pop culture rags must go through a fact-checking process (unless it’s a tabloid), and magazine articles must conform to size restrictions, which means so long to all the fluff.

But Grant Morrison’s book was something that rose above my distaste for non-fiction. First, it’s written by one of the most respected comic book writers, so he knows what he’s talking about. Morrison certainly deserves his seat at the genius table alongside Alan Moore, Neil Gaiman, and Frank Miller. He’s well known for his stories that play with the concept of comic books. If he’s famous for anything, it’s for an issue of Animal Man in which the hero looked over his shoulder, directly into the reader’s eyes, and said, “I can see you!”

Trippy, right?

Morrison is also crazy. He practices magic (not the Harry Potter stuff), admits to dabbling in psychotropic drugs, met the ghost of John Lennon, and wrote himself into his own fiction.

His abstract mind, coupled with a kinetic writing style, made this book a wild ride, something I rarely experience when reading non-fiction.

So what’s the book about?

Morrison runs through the history of comic books, from the first appearance of Superman to this summer’s blockbuster superhero movies. He explains the impact comic books had on culture, and vice versa. He explores the relationship between superheroes and the divine. And he details his own rise to fame, from a kid in a punk band to one of the highest paid writers of any medium.

Morrison is cocky, but he’s talking about his own industry of which he is a master, so if he doesn’t have a right to sound cocky, who does? The hyperbole and bias that I dislike in other non-fiction books, I loved here. I think it has to do with the author and his hyper, brainy writing style.

Speaking of bias, he’s clearly wearing a Team DC shirt. He writes about both major comic publishers, DC and Marvel, but whereas Batman and the Flash are discussed at length, the X-Men and Spider-Man are given only a few paragraphs.

And even some DC characters and writers are neglected. His discussion of the 80’s and 90’s is fascinating, though he glosses over Neil Gaiman too swiftly for my taste and Garth Ennis is mentioned only once. That’s a crime.

But these choices don’t deter from a fascinating account of the superhero world. Towards the end of the book, Morrison goes off on a few tangents, including a chapter-length account of an out-of-body experience he had in Africa, an experience wherein he rose above our three dimensional world and conferred with higher beings – an experience he denies was the result of drugs.

Trippy stuff, right?

If such tangents are not your cup of tea, you won’t like the book. But I found his asides and psychedelic insight entertaining and intriguing. I don’t believe for a minute that he actually met ancient aliens and transcended time, and I’d bet all my fingers that his “enlightenment” was the result of heavy drug use, but I still loved these tangents.

What I enjoyed most were Morrison’s ideas regarding storytelling. He believes stories are an infinite reality beneath our own, that Huck Finn and Captain Ahab are as real as raisins. He also imagines our world as a fiction for higher lifeforms.

Trippy stuff, right?

I’m not sure I buy into all, or any, of his ficto-science chatter. But it’s damn fun to read and think about. Weeks after finishing the book, I still find myself dreaming about his ideas.

Read this book. Read it hard!

Lego and Gourds: Photos of Saturday

How was your Saturday? Neat! Here’s how I spent the wondrous day.

1. Lego

Until thirteen months ago, my interest in Lego equaled my interest in Kevin Costner movies – I found them to be mostly adequate but hardly noteworthy. That all changed when I opened my first Lego Advent calendar last December. Lego is pure, stupid fun. My respect for the product has grown, and if Kevin Costner is reading this, perhaps making a Costner Advent Calendar would change my opinion of you too.

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In a Small Room on a Warm October Day, Dan Bergstein Writes This Sentence

There seems to be only three ways to start a magazine feature story. They all begin the same. And if you combine the first sentences from articles in any issue of Rolling Stone, you can create a weird, nightmarish tale. Here’s an example. Each sentence comes from the first line of an article in the October 13, 2011 issue of Rolling Stone.

It’s near midnight, and I’m holed up in a rickety hotel in Proserpine, a whistle-stop town on the north-east coast of Australia.

On a leafy corner lot in L.A.’s Laurel Canyon, in a three-bedroom house that used to belong to Rob Lowe, Tom Morello is showing off the Marshall amp he’s used for 22 years.

“You have to feel it,” Lou Reed says with a hard look at Metallica singer-guitarist James Hetfield. Five hours before Blink-182 take the stage in Saratoga Springs, New York, drummer Travis Barker is stuffing his face with broccoli and fake meat in his dressing room. A few days before his 85th birthday, Tony Bennett stands next to Lady Gaga in a midtown New York studio, working up a duet on Rodgers and Hart’s “The Lady Is a Tramp.”

Wrapped in a hotel bathrobe and sipping red wine, Leslie Feist brandishes a tiger finger puppet and makes it say, “Hi, I am Fraulein Forever Jet-Lagged!”

In Capitol Records’ giant Studio A in Los Angeles this summer, the surviving members of the Beach Boys – Brian Wilson, Mike Love, Al Jardine, and Bruce Johnston- gathered around a microphone and, for the first time in two decades, harmonized on a track.

Peter Gabriel set a strict rule for his 2010 world tour: no guitars or drums.

The End

The Birth of a Beard


On October 1st, 2011, my new beard was born. Tonight I shaved for the last time this year, and will not shave again until Spring. My winter beard is nothing more than an abstract concept at this point, and yet I feel its power within my face. It’s there. And it’s glorious.

I’m a slow beard grower – it takes about a month before the beard graduates from the sad stubble stage. Please be patient. In the meantime, I’m looking for a good beard name. Last year’s beard was named Riley, may he rest in peace. This year, I’m thinking something more Germanic. Or maybe Polynesian.

Thoughts?

Thank you for your continued support.

Lego Contest Winner!

We have a winner! Nancy G. answered all questions correctly and was selected using a random number generator. Congrats Nancy! Hope you enjoy the calendar as much as I will.

If you didn’t win, you are horrible and should feel bad about life. But you can still buy the Lego calendar and experience the fun along with Nancy and me this December. And I may even invite some guest bloggers to help me out this advent season. More on that later.

Here are the correct answers to the questions:

1. On the final list of Lego items, what item did I rank sixth overall?
Cynthia

2. What is Sword Boy’s full name?
Sword Boy Goat

3. The Christmas character Tootles has a catchphrase. What is the catchphrase and which celebrity do I want to play Tootles in the movie?
“Yee-haw! Let’s eat some biscuits!” and Tootles will be voiced by Andy Richter.

4. What does the Dairy Elf have instead of arms?
Tentacles (Also accepted “Moldy Spaghetti” because my art skills are lacking.)

5. Sword Boy stood on the werewolf. Why did he do this?
He’s crying out for attention

6. What two items does Thaddeus (probably) keep in his briefcase?
Storm data and very tiny storms. (Would have also accepted “germs and molecules of air.”)

7. What name appeared third on Santa’s nice list?
Billthew

8. What did Sword Boy turn into after using a magical mystery item?
Ducks

9. Beneath the Christmas tree in my room last year, a certain celebrity was dressed as Santa. Who is the celebrity?

Tom Hanks

10. What superhero does Cat Girl turn into?

Hidden Dragon, the Samurai Girl.

Thanks for playing!