Christmas is right around the corner and while I have no doubt that whatever gift you give me will be nothing short of wonderful, I thought it would make things easier if I compiled a list of the things I really want.
To prevent duplicates, please check with everyone I know to make sure you’re not buying the same thing and just to be safe, always keep the receipt. If you want to buy something not on the list, please remember that I already own a fake pigeon and I wear a size XL belly chain.
This is my list for 2010.
1. Scented candle that smells like tigers.
2. A tiny cabinet made from George Washington’s wooden dentures.
3. Membership to a service that’s like Netflix but for snakes.
4. A crown that looks cool – So cool that no one will say, “That idiot looks stupid in that stupid crown. He’s the king of Dork-lahoma.”
5. Crown polish.
6. A turtle.
7. A turtle habitat.
8. A turtle knife.
9. A book on making/selling turtle-bone jewelry.
10. A chair that does other stuff.
11. A clock tower.
12. Shoes that are more than just shoes.
13. A box with something amazing inside.
14. The lungs of a unicorn.
15. The rest of a unicorn.
16. Magic kit.
17. Invisible frog.
18. Visible wind.
19. A video game that is incredibly easy for me to play but satanically difficult for every other person on the planet.
20. A mountain that only I can see.
21. Fresh penguin meat. None of that canned crap.
22. The friendship of a time-traveling cat.
23. Pinochle instruction book.
24. Pinochle cards.
25. Pinochle hammer(?)
26. Florida.
27. A Pillow Pet in the shape of Tom Hanks and/or Julia Roberts.
28. A stingray that flies in the air like a bat, but not just a bat that’s wearing a stingray costume. I’m not stupid, ya know.
29. A map to real treasure, treasure that I can have and am not required to donate to a dumb museum.
30. A sexy toothbrush.
31. A tooth brush. (Paint brush made out of teeth. Duh.)
32. Blow darts.
33. Size XXL clown collar.
34. A tree that’s not as arrogant as most trees.
35. More blow darts.
36. Tilda Swinton’s Academy Award.
37. A cell phone battery that lasts longer than 2 minutes. (Hahahaha…Just kidding. I know such a thing doesn’t exist.)
38. A real live sphinx.
39. A dead sphinx so I can harvest its organs should the live sphinx get sick or critically wounded.
40. The ears of my enemy.
41. Enough Silly Putty to fill seven boots.
42. A sweater that is also pants.
43. An autographed photo of actor Jude Law which reads, “Hey Dan, you are so much better than me. I’m a lousy person who isn’t all that great. My fame is a fluke of nature, like spontaneous combustion, and I should really be a sales associate at Hollister Co. instead of an actor. Best wishes – ‘Rude’ Law.”
44. A falcon.
45. Wicker shoes.
46. An 8 oz. bottle of Ben Franklin’s saliva or tears. (Or a Home Depot gift card of equal value.)
47. My own personal fife. (I’m sick of renting.)
48. Jetpack.
49. Jetpack fuel.
50. Jetpack helmet.
51. Fire-retardant slacks.
52. Bird-resistant goggles.
53. Jetpack insurance.
54. A bucket that is really, really, really good.
55. An ending to my unpublished novel, “Dan Bergstein: One Man’s Journey.”
56. A bag of money in one of those money bags with the dollar sign on the front.
57. An Irish accent.
58. Edible sunglasses. (Not licorice flavored!)
59. Anti-gravity chamber.
60. Any other kind of chamber.
61. Chamber paint.
62. Leprechaun egg w/ incubator.
63. One of those folding metal tanning reflectors for your chin that you see in movies. I doubt they are real for I have never, ever seen one.
64. Blu-Ray player that also plays DVDs, VHS cassettes, and the harpsichord.
65. Toaster Strudel icing.
66. A trampoline with another, inverted trampoline above it so that I can bounce up and down indefinitely.
67. Magic beans.
68. A river.
69. A shorter, better version of Inception.
70. Gloves.
71. A trap door.
72. A gallon of rain from 1956.
73. A sword made of either lightning or robots.
74. Helicopter that turns into a sofa.
75. A comb that isn’t so aggressive.
76. Spider army.
77. The ghost of Jim Henson.
78. A mid-air swimming pool.
79. Owl army.
80. Two tickets to Jurassic Park…the real one. Not the movie.
81. A new punctuation mark called “Nathan,” that looks like a question mark but less showy.
82. A song about what it feels like to kill a polar bear with a grape…performed by The Strokes.
83. A scarf that cures sore throats and makes you invisible to bees.
84. A partridge.
85. A pear tree.
86. Partridge glue. (Or a partridge leash. Partridge staples might work, too.)
87. A collectible keepsake tree ornament with printed date…and that date should be 2035.
88. My two front teeth.
89. Diane Sawyer’s two front teeth.
90. Keys to the White House.
91. One of those big poles that tightrope walkers use for balance.
92. Magic loom.
93. Tunnel to Australia.
94. Gum that makes me more handsome.
95. A pine cone with googly-eyes glued on the front.
96. The helium balloon I lost when I was 6. It was blue.
97. A record contract.
98. A new color that looks like green when viewed with your left eye, but purple when viewed with your right eye and it smells like the color crimson. The color will be called “blellow.”
99. The ability to digest wood.
100. World Peace.
101. Moon War.
That’s about it. Let me know what you want for Christmas, but keep in mind that I already bought your present. Hope you like Popsicles. (Popsicles is what I named the can of cat food I got you. Act surprised.)