Here is every Quil joke from Blogging Twilight.
Blogging Eclipse: Part 8 It begins!
QUIL: You look lovely tonight, Claire. Is that OshKosh B’gosh? It’s very becoming.
CLAIRE: You face is funny. Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha.
QUIL: Claire, you’re so witty.
CLAIRE: Chicken ‘uggets!
QUIL: Are you hungry?
CLAIRE: I want chicken ‘uggets!
QUIL: I’m not sure they have chicken nuggets on the menu, my love.
CLAIRE: [PUTS HAND ON HEAD] I’m a rabbit!
QUIL: Um…ok.
CLAIRE: Can I go on slide?
QUIL: You mean at the park? Put down the fork, my dearest. It’s not a toy.
CLAIRE: Can I slide at park?
QUIL: But the park is far away. And it’s nighttime.
CLAIRE: Why [unintelligible] the man [unintelligible] a horse? Drum!
QUIL: Um…
CLAIRE: Train?
QUIL: No, we can’t go on the train tonight, honey. Put down the spoon. Where is your shoe?
CLAIRE: Twinkle! Twinkle! Little! Star! [BANGS SPOON ON THE TABLE]
QUIL: I love you too.
Blogging Eclipse: Part 9
QUIL: You should have seen her on the motorcycle. I’ve seen toddlers with better balance. And I would know. I’m dating one!
Blogging Eclipse Part 17
QUIL: The key to cliff diving is to dive through the water in one clean motion.
SAMANTHA: That’s so cool.
QUIL: My girlfriend can’t wait to try it. But she’s a bit young right now.
SAMANTHA: How old is your girlfriend?
QUIL: She’s two.
SAMANTHA: …
QUIL: But she’s tall for her age.
Blogging Eclipse Part 18
QUIL: My girlfriend is two years old. I just want to make sure everyone knows that. I cannot stress this fact enough. She is two, and I love her. I don’t see age, only beauty. If you have a problem with that, then I say good day to you, sir, and move on with my life.
Blogging Eclipse: Part 24
QUIL: My girlfriend can’t use scissors.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 8
JACOB: I think it’s weird and gross that you love a three-year-old. You’re being a skeevy loam-bag.
QUIL: But we’re in love, so it’s OK.
JACOB: Good point.
QUIL: I suppose you think it’s wrong that I robbed the bank, too.
JACOB: Well, yeah.
QUIL: But I love robbing banks. Robbing banks makes me feel good and happy. How dare you get in the way of my happiness?! It’s not illegal if you’re in love, Jacob.
JACOB: I’m not sure I follow that logic.
QUIL: It’s like the time I ate broken glass. You said I was moron. But I said I love the way glass tastes. And because I was in love with the taste of glass, nothing bad happened when I ate it.
JACOB: You went to the hospital. They had to make a new throat for you out of horse intestines. You couldn’t talk for three years. And now your breath always smells like horse farts.
QUIL: But I’m still alive, right? That’s because love guided me. If you love something, it isn’t wrong at all.
JACOB: I kind of hate you and everything about you.
QUIL: I also love the way it feels to shove old people down the stairs, and I love committing treason, and selling tainted milk to school districts, and smuggling endangered animals into the country for the purposes of eating them, and talking loudly during movies, and…
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 12
QUIL: My girlfriend can’t pronounce “spaghetti” correctly.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 13
HARRY: Hey you! Why are you dressed as Hagrid and sneaking into the windows of little kids? And why are you telling them that they’re wizards?
QUIL: Um…Gotta go. Bye!
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 15
QUIL: Don’t give my girlfriend a Capri Sun, because she’ll just squeeze the bag and make a mess.
QUIL: My girlfriend is pretty good at The Farmer in the Dell. But she gets cranky if she ends up being the cheese. So let her be the wife or the cat. Thanks guys. I owe you one.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 17
QUIL: My girlfriend is dressing up as peas in a pod for Halloween. I’m going as a farmer.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 18
QUIL: My girlfriend’s jeans are held up with elastic.
JACOB: My girlfriend clutches your finger if you rub it on her palm.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 19
QUIL: My girlfriend and I had a fight. She wanted Legos. I think Legos are too sharp, and so I got her Duplo Blocks. She’s not happy.
JACOB: My girlfriend just discovered her toes.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 20
QUIL: My girlfriend calls Thanksgiving “Turkey Day.”
JACOB: My girlfriend is entertained by keys.
QUIL: My girlfriend thinks numbers stop at 10.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 21
QUIL: My girlfriend is afraid of being flushed down the toilet.
JACOB: My girlfriend has never experienced a Thursday.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 22
QUIL: My girlfriend lacks the coordination needed to manage a helium balloon unless I tie it to her wrist or belt loop.
JACOB: My girlfriend can properly use the word “dignify” in a sentence.
QUIL: Shut up. No on cares, Jacob. No one!
OPTIMUS: Lover, I was wondering if perhaps you could take me to the cinemas this afternoon. I’m just dying to see the new documentary about our failing education system.
CLAIRE: Chicken nuggets!
OPTIMUS: Indeed, Claire. Chicken nuggets, indeed.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 23
QUIL: My girlfriend is crying in the other room. She just found out that there’s a skeleton inside her body. She’s afraid of skeletons.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 24
QUIL: My girlfriend didn’t want to go out tonight, so instead she stayed home and got dizzy. She loves to get dizzy. She’s really good at it. And it’s cheaper than a movie.
JACOB: My girlfriend, who is 72 hours old, finds the work of Julie Taymor ostentatious.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 25
(The prediction was written as a diary entry)
My friend Quil would like to write in this diary too, OK?
Hi, Diary. It’s me, Quil. My girlfriend flushes crackers down the toilet to feed The Little Mermaid. Bye, Diary.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 26
QUIL: My girlfriend has no concept of verb tenses, so when she finds something, she says, “I finded it.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 28
QUIL: For Christmas, I gave my girlfriend a $300 charm bracelet which she fed to the cat. She gave me a piece of construction paper with big glob of glitter glue in the middle.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 29
QUIL: My girlfriend has chosen Cookie Monster to be her maid of honor at our wedding. The reception will be held at McDonald’s.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 30
QUIL: Hey guys. You don’t know me, but I thought you should know that my girlfriend has no concept of death and when she spots roadkill, she assumes the animals is taking a nap. It’s cute, but also psychologically damaging, just like our relationship. It’s pretty viper.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 31
QUIL: My girlfriend cried for two hours after I accidentally stepped on her snow angel. Women…know what I mean?
MARCUS: Totally. Who are you, and would you like to see my handstand?
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 32
QUIL: My girlfriend is so…wait. What the hell is going on here? Bella lets people die? She doesn’t care? And me and my pack of werewolves don’t try to fight these monsters?
CLAIRE: I’m three years old. All I care about in the world are chicken nuggets and Elmo. I believe in the Easter Bunny and mermaids. I am entertained by shiny objects, songs about farming, and the alphabet. And even I think this story is ridiculous. McDonalds!
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 33
QUIL: Hey guys. Couldn’t help but overhear. Let me give you a word of warning about Valentine gifts. If you ask to see the Toddler’s section at Victoria’s Secret, the clerks will be less than helpful.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 34
QUIL: For Valentine’s Day, I gave my girlfriend a diamond bracelet. She gave me a chicken nugget which she bit into the shape of a heart. She also bit a cookie into the shape of gun and zapped me. Then she yelled, “Crashed Potatoes,” and ran into the basement giggling. I shouldn’t have let her eat that cookie. Women…
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 35
QUIL: My girlfriend cries when she vomits because she thinks vomit is her organs.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 36
QUIL: Hey guys, is this war going to take much longer? My girlfriend is making ketchup sandwiches for dinner. It’s her specialty.
MARCUS: Hey mister, I’m going to get a fish. It’s gonna be viper!
QUIL: That’s nice. Why are you holding my hand?
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 37
(After Quil learns he’s not a werewolf, but a shape-shifter.)
QUIL: Hey, guys. Couldn’t help overhear your conversation. Quick question. What muscles should I be flexing if I want to transform into the ball pit at the day care center? You know…just for fun.
Blogging Breaking Dawn: Part 39 (The finale!)
QUIL: You know what’s strange about writing love songs to a toddler? Not a damn thing.
QUIL: What-what! My girl be looking fine in her light up sneakers, y’all. Sexy. As. Hell! Mmm.
QUIL: My girlfriend wants to be a veterinarian when she grows up, or the Statue of Liberty.
QUIL: My girlfriend was riding the swings with her “friend” Justin at school today. She parades around the school in her sexy, form-fitting Dora the Explorer backpack. So I called her a slut. She called me a fart. Why is love so hard, man? Why?
QUIL: My girlfriend thinks Justin is so cool just because he wears a necklace and his mom lets him drink soda. So I rang his doorbell and ran away. Love makes you do crazy things.
QUIL: I think my girlfriend is cheating on me. Yesterday she came home wearing blue raspberry lip balm. Wearing it! Usually she just eats it. She must be trying to impress somebody. And her breath smelled like Sprite. Hmm…
QUIL: My girlfriend and I talked things out. I promised to respect her privacy and she promised to stop hanging out with boys who drink soda and have cell phones.
QUIL: Do you know what the best part about an immortal teenager making out with a sixty-three-year-old woman is? Everything.
The End
Let me know if I missed any. You can find the complete Blogging Twilight index right here.
You are my life now.