I will shovel your driveway cheap!
Alien Dentist
Cover Letter & Resume
To Whom It May Concern:
I was delighted to find your job listing as my skills would be a great asset to your team of motivated individuals.
To hit a few points mentioned in the job listing, I’d first like to be upfront and admit I have no experience working as an accountant, but that just means beginner’s luck is on my side. I know your ad stated applicants should have 8+ years of experience, but eight years? Really? That seems like overkill. You can probably teach me the important stuff in just a few months, and I’d be ready to go. I learned how to play “Jingle Bells” using a rubber band guitar I made out of a milk carton, so clearly I’m a good learner. By the way, how much vacation time is there?
My organization skills are poor and the thought of multitasking stirs within me a panic so sudden and real that…I can’t even finish this. Ugh, right? People scare me, as I assume them to be puppets, and while your ad recommended the job applicant be self-motivated, I’m assuming there’s wiggle room there. I can self motivate myself, but I work better when I don’t have to. I hope that is not a deal-breaker. All of these things are based on my brain’s biology, and so it’s part of my health according to my friends and I. As such, you kind of have to hire me because of the laws. Medically.
As for references, I’d really rather not. I trust that my past employers would say only glowing things about my performance, but I told them all that I’d be a famous singer by now and the thought of them learning the truth bums me out. So let’s keep this between us, okay?
Thank you for your time. The best way to reach me is tomorrow when I stop by your office to see how the job search thing is going. (I’ll be the one in the gold sunglasses.)
Resume is attached below. Click to make it bigger.
Sincerely,
Yours Truly
Under Pressure
2020 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Twenty-Four
It’s been a terrible year and a bizarre holiday season, but the Lego Advent Calendar delivered traditional Christmas cheer. I think we all needed this.
I’m glad I opened the calendar. I had fun. Sorry for all the He-Man talk. (DID YOU KNOW HIS MOM WAS FROM EARTH? SHE WAS AN ASTRONAUT!)
And now the calendar must be emptied, the final surprise revealed.
We know what’s coming. It’s… Continue reading
2020 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Twenty-Three
We’re not having any family or friend holiday parties this year, and yet the amount of things that need doing is just as long. It’s the mystery of Christmas. Even when no Christmas exists, there is still Christmas.
I am mildly stressed. Though holiday stress is not the same as Covid-19 stress. Holiday stress is a tickle behind the ear. Covid-19 stress is a brick to the throat.
How are you doing? Are you taking care of yourself? Drinking water? Getting sleep? Seeking revenge on those who wronged you?
I hope today’s Lego item helps us all manage.
It’s… Continue reading
2020 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Twenty-Two
It’s a dark winter night. The air is as sharp as needles. I’m on my eighth cup of coffee as I sit in my car waiting…and waiting. The radio crackles and cackles a Christmas song sung by a long-dead crooner. I wait. Merry Christmas? We’ll see.
The waiting is the job. The chasing? That’s the fun. It’s been two hours without a sign. But I know better than to give up. I check my watch. I check my pistol. I check my knife. It’s habit.
Then a flash of headlights. I hear the wet grumble of filthy street snow as the weighty van approaches. I stiffen. And then I relax. No good getting tight. You get tight, you get killed. That’s the rule.
The van stops. The driver steps out. I don’t know him. And if it all goes as planned, I never will. But sometimes the plan fades away in the fog of a discharged firearm. Not today. Today is a good day.
I see what I need to see. I see it all go down. I’ve seen enough. I start the engine. I drive away casually. No cause for alarm. I reach my favorite pay phone, the one at Reggie’s Diner where the food all tastes like nicotine and regret.
I send a dime into the phone. A woman’s voice answers on the first ring. This dame is frantic. I tell her to take a drink. I tell her to take a breath. And I tell her what I saw.
I saw the package. And her item has been received by the local post office. It should arrive tomorrow
It’s gonna be a merry Christmas…for someone.
And I go back out into the night. Another box to hunt. Another gift to spot.
I’m a package tracker.
It’s the job.
I don’t carry a badge. I carry scars. And a scanner.
Excerpt from my hard crime novel Death on a Doorstep: The Gavin Hurlock Files.
Anyway. Lego!
Today we get… Continue reading
2020 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Twenty-One
Spend this week however you’d like.
Go all in on the holidays. Do nothing at all. Bake cookies. Bake leftover pizza. Read quietly in bed. Binge Schitt’s Creek. Sit in the dark drinking room temperature coffee. Start to suspect your neighbor of treason based on the number of times he checked the mail which correlates directly to the number of times you’ve been stung by a bee. Make brownies. Sing carols. Shout carols. Whisper carols.
Whatever you do is good and great. You don’t owe this holiday anything.
You don’t need to go shopping. You don’t need to wear the special pajamas if you don’t want. You don’t need to count the number of shingles on your neighbor’s roof and in doing so decipher coordinates to “The Mongoose.”
You do you.
I do I.
And I do Lego. Today we find…
2020 Lego Advent Calendar: Day Twenty
I’ve read 25 books this year. My goal was to read 12. I crushed my goal like a beer can! And then I crushed a real beer can! And I screamed, “Literature!”
By far the best book I read was Lonesome Dove, by Larry McMurtry. I began this 1,000-page cowboy epic at the beginning of the pandemic when everyone was saying we’d need to stay indoors for two entire weeks in March.
Two weeks. Hahahahahahahaha…ha…[sobs softly]
Lonesome Dove was a great escape. I cannot recommend it enough. Even if you hate westerns and cattle, it’s a wonderful work of storytelling.
More highlights of my reading challenge include Susan Orlean’s The Library Book and Wool, by Hugh Howey.
The other books I read this year were all different shades of “just okay.” But I enjoyed reading them while I was reading them. Does that make sense?
I’m aiming for 21 books in 2021. That’s doable…considering some of the “books” I read in 2020 included a Goosebumps and an Incredible Hulk graphic novel.
You can follow my reading journey on Goodreads. It’s a horrible site that seems to be designed by a dog sniffing at keys on a keyboard, but it’s a simple tool to keep track of what I read so that my life has some value.
I AM THE THINGS I CONSUME!
The Lego Advent Calendar is coming to a close but there are still surprises to discover! Today we find… Continue reading