If you lack the Christmas Spirit this year, or if you just enjoy wonderful things, I demand you watch the Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special, available for streaming on Netflix. It’s a thing of insane beauty, much like Naked Shower Santa.

Watch it. Or just stand outside my window today, because I’ll probably be watching it again while I wrap presents.

Pee-Wee Herman, along with He-Man, Star Wars, and Construx, was a major circle in the Venn Diagram of Lil’ Dan Bergstein. Paul Reubens and the team that made Pee-Wee’s Playhouse were geniuses and I’m a better person for their existence.

I could write thousands of words about Pee-Wee Herman, but today’s Lego item is such a wonderful bit of weirdness we need to see it…NOW!

Today’s item is…
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Happy (almost) first day of Winter! On this darkest day of the year, it’s important to turn on your holiday lights to reminds us that even in darkness, there is light. And I have extra light!

Yes, I put color and white lights on my Christmas tree. I know this is illegal amongst decor enthusiasts, but I like it. It looks fun and it’s extremely bright.

The color lights twinkle, chase, flash, fade, and perform other typical light shows. Of course I set the lights to “combination” which means they cycle through the various twinkle options. You ever know what you’ll see when you look at my tree.

One time I looked at it, and the lights formed a constellation that spelled out “PiAno BuTts,” and that’s how I know there’s a Santa or ghosts.

My tree is good.

Today’s Lego item is…
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Number of times I’ve heard “Christmas Shoes” is still at a nice, smooth zero! Thank you for your support during this turbulent time.

There’s a lot to do in these next three days, so let’s jump into this!

Today’s item is…
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It’s a good news/bad news day.

First the bad news: A villain used my credit card number and stole my identity and I spent the morning on the phone with the bank trying to figure out what happened. I’m getting a new card, but it won’t arrive for a few days. It’s not like I need to buy anything during these precious few hours before Christmas.

Good news: I still haven’t heard the Christmas Shoes song! I’m feeling good about this. Can I make it just five more days? Every day, the tension builds. Part of me wants to hear it, just to get the pain over with. I must be strong, though. I must carry on. YOU WON’T GET ME THIS YEAR, CHRISTMAS SHOES!

But the best news of the day, so far, is what lived behind door 19 of the Lego Advent Calendar.
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Today is the very last day to order Power Pencils (magic pencils that I make myself) and have them shipped in time for Christmas! Tell your family! Tell your friends! Tell your dog…because dogs understand way more than we assume!!!

THE POWER PENCIL CHRISTMAS DEADLINE IS TODAY!

Order must be received by midnight tonight, Eastern Standard Time! Order by clicking here with your computer or computer-telephone!

Agh!

Lego time. Today’s item is…
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I have experienced 17 consecutive days of December without hearing the Christmas Shoes song. Things are getting tense. Can I make it one more week — just one more week?

I could avoid turning the radio on and I could stop going into stores at the mall, but that seems like cheating. It’s like saying the baseball man Cliff Lee never struck me out. It doesn’t count if I don’t play.

So I will continue to turn on the radio and visit stores, but each time I do, I swallow hard and tremble. Wish me luck on this grand adventure.

Today’s Lego item comes with another warning, so you know it’s good. Continue reading →

Hanukkah begins tonight! Since I’m half-jewish, that means I get to celebrate Hanukkah. But, if I may be a spokesperson for all the half-Jewish people in the world, let me say, once and for all, that being half-Jewish does NOT mean you get double presents.

That math never works out. If you measure it by weight, by dollar, or by the size of gifts, our total loot equals that of full-blown Jewish and Christian kids. All it really means is that when we’d visit family, one grandma had a Christmas tree and the other had a Menorah. And everything was lovely.

Speaking of lovely things. Lego!

Today’s item is…
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If you’d like Power Pencils before Christmas, all orders must be in by Thursday, December 18th. That’s this Thursday! After that, I can’t guarantee your shipment will arrive on time. While I could use my magical pencils to disrupt the US postal service and/or all chronology, I’d rather save my magic for when I need it most (June 18th…when the sky-sharks attack). Click here to order!

Christmas Note: We are 15 days into December and I haven’t heard the dreaded Christmas Shoes song yet. I’m very excited about this, though each time I turn on the radio or walk into a store, my face becomes slick with panic-sweat as I fear that the song of Satan shall bellow forth. If I make it all season without hearing the song, I will know Santa is real.

Wish me luck.

Today’s Lego Item is cool…
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Why don’t people who live in big mansions put out crazy Christmas lights? My girlfriend and I went driving around last night looking at the lights and I assumed if I drove to the richy-rich neighborhood, we’d see at least some decent, traditional lights. But we got nothing. A few houses put candles in the window, but that’s like adding craisins to a salad and calling it dessert.

When I become a millionaire (thanks to my burgeoning Power Pencil business!) I hereby promise to decorate like a man who just discovered electricity.

As for today’s Lego item? It’s a confusing collection of bricks that may be crap or may be a masterpiece of future-art.

Today’s item is…
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I’ve seen the Star Wars Holiday Special. If you’ve never heard of it, search the internet. Better yet, don’t.

The Star Wars Holiday Special is a terrible 2-hour(!) Christmas show about Wookiees celebrating Life Day. I watched it in college. Or at least I tried to watch it. My friends and I gathered around to have a good laugh at the awfulness of this 1980s relic. But it’s tough to sit through the whole thing…even in college.

It’s boring. There are long, ten-minute stretches of time in which NOTHING HAPPENS! Wookiees just walk around their tree house making dinner. It’s like watching The Nutcracker, but without the dancing or music.

At one point, Bea Arthur shows up and the grandad Wookiee (if my memory is correct) has cyber sex. That’s not a joke.

Anyway, don’t watch it. Read about it, watch a few clips online if you so desire, but never watch the entire thing. If you do watch the whole show, on your death bed, moments before you die, you will look up at the universe and whisper, “I wasted two hours of precious life watching Wookiees… .”

The Star Wars Holiday Special is bad.

The Star Wars Lego Calendar is good.

Today’s item is…
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