Monthly Archives: February 2017

There’s a Book Under My Bed

Posted on by


Ten years ago, I wrote a book. It’s under my bed.

It’s not a traditional novel and doesn’t fit well into any specific genre. It’s a little bit adventure story, parody, graphic novel, journal and random jokes all written long-hand (because it’s part graphic novel, remember) on sketch paper.

It’s about 100 to 150 pages, I think. And it’s not finished. In its current state, it’s more of a blueprint for a novel — a detailed outline of a something bigger and more robust.

I haven’t looked at it in about five years, maybe longer. Continue reading →

My Lance is Free (But It’ll Cost Ya)

Posted on by

For the past eight months, I’ve been writing marketing content for a corporate client. It was interesting work and the people were very nice and professional. There was even a Starbucks in the building! I’m glad I took the gig. But it was a temporary project and it ends this week. Such is the life of a freelancer.

Now I’m free to do whatever the hell I want. And I don’t know what that is.

While I shove my resume around the internet and pitch stories to editors, I also want to reach out to see what other jobs and projects exist.

Do you know how many different jobs there are in the world? More than 100! And as much as I enjoy writing online content for media companies, I’m worried that I’ve been missing out on other types of work.

Hell, had I taken a slightly different career path, I could have been a professional puppet choreographer by now. But because I was never exposed to the world of puppet choreography, I never had the chance.

So I’m putting myself out there. I’m a professional writer and editor with fifteen years of experience. My fee is negotiable. My hours are flexible. And my mind is open.

I’d love to do something different and new. If you or someone you know is looking for creative talent, hit me up! Dan@PowerPencils.com

While I hunt for employment, I’ll still post daily stuff here on the website and you can always buy Power Pencils (until they sell out). Now…time to make some puppets dance.

Thanks!

Doug Climbs a Tree

Posted on by

Doug Climbs a Tree
By Dan Bergstein

Doug couldn’t climb trees. He tried and tried, but couldn’t do it. His arms were too weak, his legs too short and, above all else, he didn’t know how to climb a tree. No one taught him.

The other kids teased Doug. They said, “You’ll never climb a tree!” And then they would run and climb the nearest tree and shout and laugh from the top of the tree.

And Doug was sad. Continue reading →

Coach’s Pep Talk

Posted on by

COACH: Listen up. There’s only one person who can take this team to the finals, and that’s me. I’m the guy who can do it. I say what needs to be said and I’ll do what needs to be done. We’re a strong team, but we could be great. And I’ll make this team great.

PLAYER: How coach?

COACH: First, let me remind you all that I am a very successful dentist. I’m the best dentist in the entire state. No contest. Everyone knows that I’m a great dentist. I have decades of dental experience and have won nine dental awards for dentistry, including the Golden Molar, which I brought with me. Pass this around. [Hands award to the players]

PLAYER: It’s heavy.

COACH: Do you have any idea how difficult it was to become coach? It wasn’t easy. Every day I was hounded by people saying, “You’ll never be coach,” or “You have no coaching experience!” Well, look at me now! I’m coaching my second game of college basketball–

PLAYER: Football, sir.

COACH: Football? Okay, good. That’s great. So here I am coaching my second game of football and no one thought I could do it. Everyone said I would fail. But I didn’t fail. And I did it all thanks to my supporters in the Athletics Department who offered me the job because they knew it was time for a change, and I was the person for the job. And know that I got the job because I’m great. It had nothing to do with my best friend sneaking into the office and stealing all the other job applications and resumes. He did that on his own. He just likes to steal applications. Nothing to do with me or how I got this job. And if you say otherwise, that’s slander or libel. You belong in prison. Besides, if the Athletics Department didn’t want the other applications stolen, they shouldn’t have stored them on a computer. Anything on a computer is free to the world. It’s called “the internet.” Look it up, chumps! Fair game. Continue reading →

Writer Wanted

Posted on by

Job Posting

A global media company is seeking an experienced writer to generate content for multiple channels. We value our creative talent and offer competitive benefits and salary.

Position:
Writer

Responsibilities:
The qualified applicant will write and publish daily content as well as take and edit all photographs for the entire company…and they better be good. In fact, don’t worry so much about making words. If you could just put together some amazing photos and logos…and videos! You’re good with video, too right? Most writers are. Isn’t there a Mark Twain award for video production? Should be. When not making videos and short films and shareable gifs, you will also be required to organize all of our data into measurable, easy-to-digest info nuggets. For instance, how many readers of your video actually engaged with the content? Just imagine how much better Moby Dick would have been had the author also published detailed analytical data regarding reader engagement and “likes”? Is a writer who doesn’t spend 94% of their workday navigating Google Analytics really a writer at all? And you will also do your own marketing during your personal time, so plan to spend nights and weekends bragging about your content and our company to friends and family. (We have a marketing department, but really, can’t you just do it?) As a writer, you’ll also need to do a substantial amount of baking. Get started at 3 a.m. so the bread is fresh and warm when we need it. And how are you with kites? Pretty good, we hope. The role of the writer also includes mild carpentry and you should be able to lift 60-lbs. over your head…and then onto a truck. Oh, and we don’t have a desk for you, so set yourself up in your car in the parking lot — but not too close to the building. The writer is also responsible for single-handedly saving this company from bankruptcy and failure to show provable results within two hours of hiring will result in public humiliation at company-wide meeting as the CEO will look at you and simply say, “Well?” in a very angry manner. And you have to generate the electricity which runs the building and you’ll be in charge of public relations and computer coding and if we get sick, you have to make us better.

Qualifications
8 years experience in fast-moving environment
Bachelor’s Degree in related field
Ringing endorsement from town big-wig
Master’s Degree in Business/Accounting or Engineering
Art Degree from Real School We’ve Heard Of
Photos published in National Geographic (maps don’t count!)
Certificate proving you ran the mile in elementary school
Knot-tying award
Thumbs up from our doctor
Ability to withstand cold
Eye for fashion and investment opportunities
Coal mining or related experience
Ducks come to you when you call them
Gold or Silver Olympic Medal

Compensation:
$4 an hour plus a T-shirt (if you sign up for softball), but if you save the entire company, we can revisit your salary.

Please send resume, two writing samples, and a letter of recommendation from our current boss to the address provided in a secret website only accessible to current employees.

Daily Transmission #37: Dan’s Great Ideas — Deviled Egg Bar

Posted on by

I have a lot of great ideas. This s one them.

Dan’s Deviled Egg Bar

One Sentence Pitch:
Imagine a self-serve frozen yogurt restaurant, but instead of yogurt, out comes deviled egg filling.

Detailed Concept:
Deviled eggs are delicious, but who has the time? And you can’t simply make one deviled egg, or even two — you usually need to make at least a dozen and if you’re alone, you end up throwing three of those eggs away because you’re full.

Dan’s Deviled Egg Bar will offer customers the convenience and efficiency of single-serve deviled eggs ready whenever the egg-appetite strikes. No more wasted eggs or kitchen messes. At Dan’s Deviled Egg Bar, we do all the work…and more!

“How does it work?” Continue reading →