Tag Archives: Sports

Coach’s Pep Talk

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COACH: Listen up. There’s only one person who can take this team to the finals, and that’s me. I’m the guy who can do it. I say what needs to be said and I’ll do what needs to be done. We’re a strong team, but we could be great. And I’ll make this team great.

PLAYER: How coach?

COACH: First, let me remind you all that I am a very successful dentist. I’m the best dentist in the entire state. No contest. Everyone knows that I’m a great dentist. I have decades of dental experience and have won nine dental awards for dentistry, including the Golden Molar, which I brought with me. Pass this around. [Hands award to the players]

PLAYER: It’s heavy.

COACH: Do you have any idea how difficult it was to become coach? It wasn’t easy. Every day I was hounded by people saying, “You’ll never be coach,” or “You have no coaching experience!” Well, look at me now! I’m coaching my second game of college basketball–

PLAYER: Football, sir.

COACH: Football? Okay, good. That’s great. So here I am coaching my second game of football and no one thought I could do it. Everyone said I would fail. But I didn’t fail. And I did it all thanks to my supporters in the Athletics Department who offered me the job because they knew it was time for a change, and I was the person for the job. And know that I got the job because I’m great. It had nothing to do with my best friend sneaking into the office and stealing all the other job applications and resumes. He did that on his own. He just likes to steal applications. Nothing to do with me or how I got this job. And if you say otherwise, that’s slander or libel. You belong in prison. Besides, if the Athletics Department didn’t want the other applications stolen, they shouldn’t have stored them on a computer. Anything on a computer is free to the world. It’s called “the internet.” Look it up, chumps! Fair game. Continue reading →

Daily Transmission #34: Super Bowl Facts

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You may find yourself at a Super Bowl party this Sunday, and you may feel the need to talk about sports. If you don’t know anything about sports, relax. I’ve got your covered. Become a conversation all-star with any of these sport facts!

“Touchdown” is short for “To Touch the Crown” taken from the poem “League of Kings” published in 1802. It originally referred only to horse racing.

Each black stripe on an official’s uniform represents an unjust murder.

One player on each team spends the entire game in the temple, praying for peace.

The shape of the football is the exact orbital arc of Earth around the sun.

The left goalpost is called “The Joseph” and the right post is called “Yella’ Tommy.” The bar connecting the two is known as “Cat’s Trough.”

The extra point was introduced in 1972 after a Green Bay player did a very good job and the officials felt the entire team should be rewarded for his bravery.

There are 100 yards on a football field — ten yards for every letter in the word “football” plus twenty yards for good luck.

The average American will spend 45-seconds of the Super Bowl saying the word “Holding!”

Whichever player picks up a yellow flag tossed by an official receives three secret bonus tokens that can be used to buy snacks and goodies from the cart in the locker room.

The 1982 Super Bowl ended in a 0 to 0 tie after both teams agreed to share the trophy.

If the quarterback throws the ball, and the ball hits a bird, the bird (if it survives) is technically part of the team and must be paid the league minimum salary.

No one in the NFL is currently named Meredith, but it can be a boy’s name.

Coaches often cover their mouths when giving instructions because they worry about spreading germs and getting their key players sick.

More people will watch the Super Bowl than were stung by a bee this year. And it’s only getting worse.