COACH: Listen up. There’s only one person who can take this team to the finals, and that’s me. I’m the guy who can do it. I say what needs to be said and I’ll do what needs to be done. We’re a strong team, but we could be great. And I’ll make this team great.
PLAYER: How coach?
COACH: First, let me remind you all that I am a very successful dentist. I’m the best dentist in the entire state. No contest. Everyone knows that I’m a great dentist. I have decades of dental experience and have won nine dental awards for dentistry, including the Golden Molar, which I brought with me. Pass this around. [Hands award to the players]
PLAYER: It’s heavy.
COACH: Do you have any idea how difficult it was to become coach? It wasn’t easy. Every day I was hounded by people saying, “You’ll never be coach,” or “You have no coaching experience!” Well, look at me now! I’m coaching my second game of college basketball–
PLAYER: Football, sir.
COACH: Football? Okay, good. That’s great. So here I am coaching my second game of football and no one thought I could do it. Everyone said I would fail. But I didn’t fail. And I did it all thanks to my supporters in the Athletics Department who offered me the job because they knew it was time for a change, and I was the person for the job. And know that I got the job because I’m great. It had nothing to do with my best friend sneaking into the office and stealing all the other job applications and resumes. He did that on his own. He just likes to steal applications. Nothing to do with me or how I got this job. And if you say otherwise, that’s slander or libel. You belong in prison. Besides, if the Athletics Department didn’t want the other applications stolen, they shouldn’t have stored them on a computer. Anything on a computer is free to the world. It’s called “the internet.” Look it up, chumps! Fair game.
PLAYER: Speaking of games, coach, kick-off is in nine minutes. Do you have plays ready?
COACH: I’m getting to that. But more importantly, I want to know who is keeping score at these games. According to the scoreboard, we lost the last game by 33 points. But that can’t be. That’s not true at all. I saw you guys play. It was amazing. We must have had 100 points in the first half. Easily. But you don’t see that on the scoreboard because they won’t report the true score. The mainstream scorekeepers are biased. It’s obvious. It’s a failed system. They should all be fired. I want a full investigation into the personal lives of the scorekeepers, and can we get an electrical engineer to climb up and take apart the scoreboard? See what’s cooking under there? Because it’s just wrong and false. Totally false. It’s a bad scoreboard. Bad score keeping. Really terrible.
PLAYER: I was thinking the first play should be a running play, because this team’s defense —
COACH: Hold on. Did you guys know how high I could jump in college? I could jump so high. I was the best at jumping. Like, nine feet. Remarkable. I bring this up because some think I’m not good enough to be coach. Well…look at my jumping record. Impeccable. I’m the coach. For sure.
PLAYER: No one is calling your jumping skills into question, coach. And we know you’re the coach. No need to remind us.
COACH: The refs are biased. We all know that right? They are biased and I have proof that they all meet in a barn and plot our demise. Their frustrated that someone like me, a dentist, could lead this team. They don’t think I belong, so they’ll try everything they can to take me down. They tell me I can’t cheat or that punching is a penalty. They told me I can’t deflate the ball to make it easier to catch. But I’m the coach. They can’t tell me what I can do with the ball. It’s my ball. My school paid for it. Ridiculous. Yes, I deflated the ball today. What are they gonna do about it? They can’t arrest me. I’m the coach. You can’t arrest the coach. And when they say one of your committed a penalty, don’t believe them. Ignore them. Pretend they’re not there. In fact, I want to get rid of all refs. Waste of money. We can ref ourselves. We’ll do it good. Why wouldn’t we? We know the game better than the refs, who don’t even play football!
PLAYER: Do we have any plays, coach?
COACH: Yes. I’m going to stop the other team from going on the field.
PLAYER: That’s…what?
COACH: We can’t have that team on the field. The team is biased. They just want to win and they have no respect for our goal. None. Terrible group of people. I’m banning them from the field.
PLAYER: I don’t think you can do that?
COACH: Also, we can’t let fans into the stadium. That’s just asking for trouble. All the fans must leave. Did you know some of the fans are from towns in which murder was committed? A person can lose sleep thinking of that. Also, if they are allowed in, they will accuse me of things that I have not done. They will say that I win only because I banned the other team from playing. And that’s not true. I never banned the opposing team from playing. Fans are idiots. They don’t understand how football works in the real world. To play football, we must be shielded from the prying eyes of nosey fans and opposing teams. An empty stadium. That’s the play.
PLAYER: Again, I don’t think you’re allowed to —
COACH: Why? Do you know who the coach of this team is? It’s me. I did it. I am the coach! You cannot deny that I am the coach. Do you see this sash? [Points to sash] What does the sash say? Tell me!
PLAYER: “Coach #1”
COACH: You’re goddamn right it does. Coach number one. That’s me. That’s what the sash says. Are you denying that the sash exists?
PLAYER: No. But did you make that yourself with glitter and —
COACH: Okay, so when we get on the field, I want all the players to line up —
PLAYER: Ooh! A real play! Great. So we line up and then what?
COACH: When you’re lined up, I will march up to the refs and hand them my list of demands.
PLAYER: Demands?
COACH: First, we should get ten points right away because we’re going to get ten points anyway at some point during the game. So give us the points ahead of time. If they object, I’m sending my adviser out and she’ll explain it. Won’t you, Miss Adviser?
MISS ADVISER: I won’t not surely agree to the opposite of the matter at hand. And did you know our coach won a Golden Molar award? Why aren’t the refs mentioning this? Why isn’t that on scoreboard?
COACH: Good point. One more reason why the scoreboard is biased and fake. Fake scores. My second demand is that if we score a goal, the refs must applaud. If they don’t, we’ll know that they are fake and biased criminals. Third demand, I get the corner piece of the brownie pan because I’m coach. I deserve it. Fourth demand, everyone must buy wrapping paper from my cousin’s kid. He’s selling it for school. Great paper. Wraps all kinds of stuff. Buy ten rolls of paper, and guess what, you’re starting quarterback. How ’bout that? That’s coaching!
PLAYER: Are we even going to play the game? It started three minutes ago.
COACH: What’s the point? The fake scoreboard will tell the biased fans untrue scores. So, no. We’re not playing. Everyone go home. We’ve already won. We won. Absolutely we won. And yes, I am the coach! I am the coach. 100%!
PLAYER: We know you’re the coach. We know you can jump very high. We understand that sometimes fans and other teams say bad things about you. But the game is going to happen. And we just want a coach who can, you know, coach us. Tell us what to do instead of complaining about everything.
COACH: We’re going to win. We’re going to win so much!
PLAYER: How?
COACH: With points.