Job Posting
A global media company is seeking an experienced writer to generate content for multiple channels. We value our creative talent and offer competitive benefits and salary.
Position:
Writer
Responsibilities:
The qualified applicant will write and publish daily content as well as take and edit all photographs for the entire company…and they better be good. In fact, don’t worry so much about making words. If you could just put together some amazing photos and logos…and videos! You’re good with video, too right? Most writers are. Isn’t there a Mark Twain award for video production? Should be. When not making videos and short films and shareable gifs, you will also be required to organize all of our data into measurable, easy-to-digest info nuggets. For instance, how many readers of your video actually engaged with the content? Just imagine how much better Moby Dick would have been had the author also published detailed analytical data regarding reader engagement and “likes”? Is a writer who doesn’t spend 94% of their workday navigating Google Analytics really a writer at all? And you will also do your own marketing during your personal time, so plan to spend nights and weekends bragging about your content and our company to friends and family. (We have a marketing department, but really, can’t you just do it?) As a writer, you’ll also need to do a substantial amount of baking. Get started at 3 a.m. so the bread is fresh and warm when we need it. And how are you with kites? Pretty good, we hope. The role of the writer also includes mild carpentry and you should be able to lift 60-lbs. over your head…and then onto a truck. Oh, and we don’t have a desk for you, so set yourself up in your car in the parking lot — but not too close to the building. The writer is also responsible for single-handedly saving this company from bankruptcy and failure to show provable results within two hours of hiring will result in public humiliation at company-wide meeting as the CEO will look at you and simply say, “Well?” in a very angry manner. And you have to generate the electricity which runs the building and you’ll be in charge of public relations and computer coding and if we get sick, you have to make us better.
Qualifications
8 years experience in fast-moving environment
Bachelor’s Degree in related field
Ringing endorsement from town big-wig
Master’s Degree in Business/Accounting or Engineering
Art Degree from Real School We’ve Heard Of
Photos published in National Geographic (maps don’t count!)
Certificate proving you ran the mile in elementary school
Knot-tying award
Thumbs up from our doctor
Ability to withstand cold
Eye for fashion and investment opportunities
Coal mining or related experience
Ducks come to you when you call them
Gold or Silver Olympic Medal
Compensation:
$4 an hour plus a T-shirt (if you sign up for softball), but if you save the entire company, we can revisit your salary.
Please send resume, two writing samples, and a letter of recommendation from our current boss to the address provided in a secret website only accessible to current employees.