Name: The Tentacle

Real Name: Weird Tent

Powers: The tent-like creature devours its victims and converts human matter into energy.

Weaknesses: Lava. Heavy rain and gusty wind. Weak tent stakes. People wearing mesh shorts or CK One perfume.

Origin: The being was first sighted in the 1980’s during a family camping trip. After the Tentacle ate his younger brother, Scotty Phillips said, “Holy crap. It’s like a tent monster – a tentacle, if you will.” His dad wanted to correct him and teach him that a tentacle is actually a long flexible appendage, but his dad was too busy screaming at the time. So the name stuck. No one is sure where it came from and what it wants, though this one guy in Denver thinks it’s a deformed coyote with a zipper.

Rules: The Tentacle is relatively benign and will only attack if you walk into its gaping maw. Let this be a lesson to those who enjoy rummaging through strange tents. The Tentacle cannot digest mesh shorts or CK One perfume.

Description: It looks like a tent and smells exactly like a wet Will Ferrell.

Name: The Ball-Goon

Real Name: The Ball-Goon

Powers: A super strong, sentient balloon, the Ball-Goon has the ability to carry its victims above the Earth’s atmosphere. It can carry up to 300 lbs. unless it’s very windy. At first, the person holding the balloon thinks this is the beginning of a fun adventure and so the person will usually hang on tightly. The victim either dies from lack of oxygen, has a heart attack, or falls back to the ground.

Weaknesses: Lava. Scissors. Birds. Airplanes. Helicopters. Lightning. Javelins. Greasy hands.

Origin: During an armed robbery at the party supply store, a thief was shot and killed by police officers. Moments before dying, he blew his last breath into the balloon. Thus, The Ball-Goon was born.

Rules: The Ball-Goon will only attack the first, second, and third born children, and those who complain about the ending of LOST.

Description: It looks like a balloon. It does not look like a drawbridge. If you are being attacked by a drawbridge-like being, you are probably dealing with Drawbridge Wendy.

Name: Jack-In-The-Throat

Real Name: Jackson-In-The-Esophagus

Powers: Lives inside a person’s throat, sometimes for years without the person knowing. Armed with a toothpick, he rips out of the throat when anyone says, “Pop goes the weasel.” For this reason, it’s advised that you avoid preschools if you suspect Jackson is dwelling in your throat, as preschoolers are the most likely to say, “Pop goes the weasel.” Also stay away from 1990’s hip-hop phenomenon, 3rd Base.

Weaknesses: Sour milk mixed with Altoids and ketchup. Lava.

Description: About the size of a peanut. Wears a dopey hat. Carries a toothpick. Very tiny yin-yang tattoo on his left shoulder.

Origin: Jackson is a mischief fiend. His mother was a demon, which explains his evil tendencies. His father was a peanut, which explains his small size.

Rules: Jackson will crawl into your mouth when you’re sleeping, but only during Toyota-thon.

Tired of the same monsters being used in movies, books, TV shows, and breakfast cereal culture, I have challenged myself to come up with a new monster every day until I die. (Weekends, birthdays, holidays, and days when I’m sleepy do not count.) Below is the first entry.

Name: The Grinsect

Real Name: Unknown…though it’s probably Andrew or something like Andrew.

Powers: Mental control of all ladybugs. He is also very good at chess and Harry Potter Scene-It.

Weaknesses: Lava, water from the park’s water fountain, bullets made of hair.

Origin: The ancient demon once lived in palace made of live ladybugs in a realm of clouds. He was summoned to Earth by a wealthy businessman who accidentally uttered the summoning spell while trying to order a ridiculously named coffee drink. The demon possessed the man’s body. The business man now disguises himself at night and lurks in dimly lit parking lots, killing the unfortunate with his mastery of ladybugs. The demon must eat 1,000 fresh gallbladders before it can return to its ladybug palace.

Rules: He only kills people that complain about the misuse of the word “literally.”

Description: He wears a plain red mask and a dark black cape to hide his identity. In the summer, he wears a short cape and evil flip flops. He smells distinctly of ladybug urine.