Name: Trees

Powers: All trees are psychic demons that can do unspeakable acts of brutality on humans. They are waiting to attack. The Wooden War will begin at any moment. Any…moment…

Weaknesses: Even when chopped down, the power of the tree still dwells deep inside the wood. Anything made of wood is evil and deadly. Lava is the only way to truly destroy a tree.

Origin: Trees are the Devil’s fingers.

Rules: It’s too late for this planet. To the future generations who find this message and are living on the Moon: Do not plant trees! Repeat: Do not plant trees! Save yourselves!

Description: They taste like wood.

Name: Elephant Woman

Real Name: Sarah Fields

Powers: She is an athletic young woman who uses the symbol of the elephant to spread fear throughout the city. She steals from the rich, and gives to the poor…but she keeps the good stuff for herself. That’s why she’s a monster. The poor usually end up with leftover cans of corn and gently used flip-flops.

Weaknesses: Because she wears “elephant mitts,” it’s very difficult for her to open doors or use cell phones. And lava is not her friend.

Origin: After Oprah’s final show, Sarah Fields wasn’t sure what to do with her life. She decided to be a sexy anti-hero. She made the costume out of recycled laptop batteries because she’s Earth friendly.

Rules: She cannot travel through time.

Description: She is a woman wearing an elephant costume who is stuck in the present.

Name: The Were-Barn

Real Name: Jason Tripps

Powers: He turns into a barn during the full moon. The barn is dusty and smells bad.

Weaknesses: Daylight. Guilt. Lava. Zinc bullets.

Origin: Jason was bitten by a were-barn during his trip to rural Pennsylvania.

Rules: If you are inside the barn when Jason turns back into a human, it gets weird.

Description: Sometimes he looks like a barn.

Name: Rorrim Speerc

Powers: These pathetic monsters live inside mirrors and ogle you. They may try to caress you, but they can only touch your reflection because they are mirror folk. They are harmless but gross.

Weaknesses: Girls who acknowledge their existence. Darkness. Talking. Lava. Healthy relationships.

Origin: The awkward Rorrim Speerc were thrown out of the Mirror Kingdom for being too pervy and weird. (Which says a lot since the Mirror Kingdom is a wild, sexy place.) Now they live inside changing room mirrors.

Rules: If you clap your hands, it will startle them and they will cry, “I wasn’t doing anything!”

Description: They look like high school science teachers.

Name: The Ogre of the Lake

Powers: The beast is impossible to draw accurately. This is his main power. The beast is so horrible that any attempt to draw the creature will result in nothing but a crude stick figure rendering complete with friendly ice cream cone.

Weaknesses: True love. Friendship. Shotgun blast to the base of the skull.

Origin: Unknown.

Rules: He emerges from the lake during a full moon or when the Soup Nazi episode of Seinfeld is on TV.

Description: His skin feels nothing like canvas so whoever told you that was lying.

Name: The Humming Shark (You thought it said “Humpingshark” didn’t you, pervert?)

Powers: The tiny bird/shark must eat 100 lbs. of either nectar or human meat due to its fast metabolism. It can burn 7,000 calories simply by thinking about math for eight minutes.

Weaknesses: Hummingbears. Hummingwolves. Hummingwizards. Lava. Little children who use jars without air holes to collect the diminutive animals.

Origin: These creatures evolved from a goat. How messed up is that?

Rules: Hummingsharks never reach sexual maturity, which is why they giggle so often during mating.

Description: They taste OK.

Name: Julia Roberts

Real Name: Bujl Rot, the demon of the mind. (Julia Roberts is an anagram for “Arise, Bujl Rot.”)

Powers: Award-winning actress. Consumes the flesh of her victims. She knows Tom Hanks. Will eradicate time and space.

Weaknesses: None. She is all-powerful. Nothing can stop her. Our only hope is to trap her in a block of ice and hope future generations will learn her weakness.

Origin: Using hypnotic gel, she convinced the world that she was a movie star. According to the prophecy, she will star in three more films and then lay her eggs inside the corpse of an elephant. And then the thousand years of blood shall begin.

Rules: During interviews, the reporter must ask, “What was it like working with Tom Hanks,” or else Bujl Rot will reveal her true self.

Description: Her blood is made of screams.

Name: The Celery Fiend

Powers: Can sneak tiny bits of celery into otherwise delicious food, thus ruining lives.

Weaknesses: Taste. Weaponized dogs. Magnesium. Magma (but not lava).

Origin: He was created by the devil himself to destroy the world by adding unnecessary celery to tuna and potato salad.

Rules: He eats elbows. He ends all of his e-mails with, “Sin-Celery Yours.”

Description: His laugh sounds like a waterfall hitting a bald man’s head.

Names: Dr. Slam & Stiltz

Real Names: Dr. Roger Slammington and Sarah Jones

Powers: Stiltz is a very tiny woman who uses her sharpened steel stilts to attack. Dr. Slam is her boyfriend. He’s good at science and knots.

Weaknesses: Dr. Slam has horrible depth perception. Stiltz has trouble converting kilometers into miles. Both are susceptible to earthquakes, lava, and pink lemonade. Stiltz is afraid of being eaten by a cat.

Origin: Dr. Slam used science to shrink his girlfriend. Then he gave her those stilts. It’s a pretty straightforward origin.

Rules: Stiltz will attack without provocation. Dr. Slam will attack anyone who says Kiss is a good band.

Description: Stiltz is the funny one.

Name: The Swing Thing

Powers: Swing Things are unnatural beasts capable of launching themselves off of the swings at the park and soaring 300 feet through the air until they pounce on their victims. They have sharp teeth and a tenacious grip. Their saliva is poisonous and if a human is bitten by a Swing Thing, that person will turn into a Swing Thing in 37 years. During those years, the human will suffer from a mild sore throat. This is the only known symptom. If you have a mild sore throat, assume you’ve been bitten by a Swing Thing and turn yourself in to the nearest government Swing Thing facility.

Weaknesses: Swings that have been wrapped around the top pole. Listerine (a.k.a. polar bear urine). Stupid kids not giving them a turn on the swings. Prey standing 301 feet (or farther) away. Lava. Saber-Toothed Lincoln.

Origin: The virus that turns people into monstrous Swing Things started as a rare strain of gingivitis. The virus hollows out the victim’s bones, making the victim lighter, which explains how they can soar through the air. See? It makes sense, scientifically.

Rules: Swing Things hunt in packs. Some work at Best Buy during the summer.

Description: Swing Things look like airborne zombies. They taste like airborne zombies, too. They make a hissing noise because in their language, “Hiss” means “Weeeee!” but it can also mean “sodium.”