Name: The Swing Thing

Powers: Swing Things are unnatural beasts capable of launching themselves off of the swings at the park and soaring 300 feet through the air until they pounce on their victims. They have sharp teeth and a tenacious grip. Their saliva is poisonous and if a human is bitten by a Swing Thing, that person will turn into a Swing Thing in 37 years. During those years, the human will suffer from a mild sore throat. This is the only known symptom. If you have a mild sore throat, assume you’ve been bitten by a Swing Thing and turn yourself in to the nearest government Swing Thing facility.

Weaknesses: Swings that have been wrapped around the top pole. Listerine (a.k.a. polar bear urine). Stupid kids not giving them a turn on the swings. Prey standing 301 feet (or farther) away. Lava. Saber-Toothed Lincoln.

Origin: The virus that turns people into monstrous Swing Things started as a rare strain of gingivitis. The virus hollows out the victim’s bones, making the victim lighter, which explains how they can soar through the air. See? It makes sense, scientifically.

Rules: Swing Things hunt in packs. Some work at Best Buy during the summer.

Description: Swing Things look like airborne zombies. They taste like airborne zombies, too. They make a hissing noise because in their language, “Hiss” means “Weeeee!” but it can also mean “sodium.”