Name: More Than Rock
Powers: Tough, old, judges your body.
Weaknesses: Lava, loneliness.
Origin: Sometimes ghosts don’t possess humans; they possess rocks.
Rules: Leave them alone. Don’t listen to them. Sticks and stones can break your bones, but the words of stones (or sticks, for that matter) can’t hurt you.
Description: Rock-like. No feathers.
Last Seen: At the playground by the place where that kid got a bloody nose.
Name: Air Worm
Powers: Flight; crawls into ears and noses to lay eggs; silent
Weaknesses: Lava; magnets; sharpshooters; air fish; wind
Origin: These creature use a type of literal animal magnetism to float through the air.
Rules: They don’t mean to harm humans, but sadly dozens of people are killed each year by the air worm, and another 66,000 are grossed out.
Description: Tiny flying snake.
Last Seen: They thrive in parks and grassy areas and they just love, love, love a longitude of 85-degrees.
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Name: Foot Turkey
Powers: Eater of joy; drinker of tears.
Weaknesses: Hand turkeys, kindergarten teachers who hate creativity, lava, socks.
Origin: The devil traced his foot.
Rules: The Foot Turkey deceives.
Description: It looks like a hand turkey, but more footish and less colorful.
Last Seen: Standing outside of Whole Foods, hitting on a boob turkey.
Name: Octo-Bear
Powers: Can do most things. Has eight limbs. (Six tentacles. Two bear feet.)
Weaknesses: None.
Origin: I drew him once and he is my favorite. Here he is inside a Twilight book. Here he is as a Shrinky Dink.
Rules: Sometimes I draw him with four tentacles.
Description: He is awesome. Scary, too.
Last Seen: Hanging out with the Novem-Bear at a Taco Bell/Pizza Hut.
Name: Nathan Dumpty
Powers: Very strong. Very round.
Weaknesses: Walls. Great falls.
Origin: Nathan’s mother died during childbirth and his father, Humpty, was killed in a tragic wall accident years ago. Nathan was taken to an orphanage but soon escaped. Little is known of his teenage years, though legend says he traveled the globe learning martial arts and studying ancient, forbidden mysticism. He returned to seek revenge, to harm the king’s men and horses who failed to help his father. Lurking in the shadows, huddled in the rain, he waits. He waits.
Rules: Do not paint him.
Description: He is a large egg.
Last Seen: Tossing a single rose on his father’s grave and whispering, “Soon.”
Name: Master of Bubbles
Powers: Master of bubbles.
Weaknesses: Air pressure. Sharp objects. Wind. Lava. Fingers.
Origin: He comes from the woods.
Rules: Attacks those who look at him and say, “Really?”
Description: Soft skin.
Last seen: Standing in darkened hallways whispering, “Buuuuubble Trouuuuuble…”
Name: Man Who Fails to Recognize that Sports Fanaticism is Equivalent to Nerd Culture
Powers: Loud. Knows many names.
Weaknesses: Logic, imagination, lava, other teams, cheetahs.
Origin: This monster roams the countryside promoting his favorite teams and mocking nerds, not knowing that he, himself, is a big ol’ nerd. His nerd habits include:
Dressing up
Buying merchandise
Studying the mythology (or statistics)
Creating fan-fiction and predicting the various outcomes with friends
Being emotionally invested in the events of powerful warriors
Rules: When asked why, specifically, he supports a certain team, he will become enraged and will try to bite your face. This is a confusion reflex. There is no answer to that question.
Description: He cannot glow in the dark.
Last Seen: Falling asleep during the big game he anticipated all week.
Name: Hammerhead Pony
Powers: Razor sharp teeth, keen sense of direction, can manipulate calcium, good at head-butting, razor sharp intestines.
Weaknesses: Lava, children who eat bread crust, hammerhead bears.
Origin: The hammerhead pony is the terrible steed ridden by the devil himself. And when the devil’s not using it, the devil’s cousin Fran takes care of it. Fran doesn’t mind. She likes helping out.
Rules: The beast will devour any child who doesn’t eat bread crusts.
Description: Lousy singer.
Last seen: Walking out of Crazy, Stupid, Love and looking disappointed.
Name: Steve (Pluto’s older brother)
Powers: Though he often picks on his brother, he will defend his younger sibling, often violently.
Weaknesses: Scientific facts, the sun, the cops.
Origin: One day he saw his little brother crying at the park. He was about to call Pluto a baby, but then Pluto whined, “The people of Earth say I’m not a planet anymore.” Steve was enraged. Sure, he likes to make fun of his little brother, but it’s OK because they’re brothers. It’s not cool if someone else does it. So Steve asked Pluto where Earth was hanging out, and then sped off looking for revenge.
Rules: Steve was a planet until he was caught smoking weed outside the library. He’s been downgraded to a “Hooligan Orb.”
Description: Planet-like object that acts tough.
Last Seen: Throwing eggs at Saturn.
Name: Ghost of Yogurt
Powers: Yogurt is a living thing (technically) and when you eat it, you murder it. The spirits of the yogurt cultures return to seek vengeance.
Weaknesses: Power crystals, lava, special gloves.
Origin: You caused this. It’s all your fault!
Rules: It’s far too late to beg for mercy.
Description: A shadowy ghost that tastes like mixed berry.
Last Seen: Behind you.