My best friend Todd sent my a gift bag filled with fantastic items for my birthday. I’m a little late in writing this up because with hurricanes, floods, and an overall feeling that world will end in a fury of muddy water, writing about my b-day seemed unimportant. Now that we all survived and are wearing dry socks, we can focus on happy things.

Read below to see one of the best gifts a man could get.

Todd’s gift bag included several items. First up: Shrinky Dinks.

Yes, I am thirty-three years old. No, my friend Todd is not eight years old. We have been friends since kindergarten. Despite the fact that Todd is now a fancy lawyer who golfs, he still knows that I enjoy goofy unnecessary, wasteful, childish gifts. One Christmas he sent me a T-shirt equipped with electronic drums.

I love the Shrinky Dinks. It’s been well over twenty years since I last shrank a dink and the thought of reliving the magic made me smile. The set is not a product tie-in with a well-known franchise or movie. It has a generic animal theme. I respect that. But wait…what’s this?

BLANK SHRINKY DINK PAPER!

That’s right, jealous readers, the set comes with blank, unblemished Shrinky Dink paper. If I remember my childhood correctly, the drawings where always pre-printed on the paper. If you had a set of Smurf Shrinky Dinks, and wanted to make a Transformer, no amount of crying or creative drawing could change the fact that your Optimus Prime looked like Brainy Smurf with a boxy stomach.

Now the Shrinky Dink maniacs are allowing children, and me, to create our own designs. The included animal templates are just suggestions. You can make the tiger, if you want, but as John F. Kennedy famously said, “Screw that noise.” I’m making my own shrunken dinks!

For those unfamiliar with Shrinky Dinks, here’s how it works:

You draw or trace your design onto the special plastic paper.

You color the drawing using colored pencils.

You cut them out.

You place them in the oven for 3 minutes.

By using dark magic and unholy wind, the paper shrinks and condenses into a hard plastic sheet.

You take the Dinks out of the oven and enjoy.

Side Note: I once met the inventor of Shrinky Dinks, back when I was a big shot magazine editor. I forget her name. Barbra, probably. She was nice.

Back to the fun.

My girlfriend started out by tracing one of the elephant templates. Meanwhile, I drew the first thing that came to mind: Octobear!

I’m not sure where Octobear came from. I once drew him in a Twilight book, but before that he dwelled only in my mind. This was my chance to make a tangible, though inanimate, Octobear! And now I’m just one Blue Fairy wish away from turning him into a real tentacled bear!

As the templates suggest, I cut out notches for his legs and made his legs separate items that would be joined together later…possibly during a ceremony.

With the leftover section of my Shrinky Dink paper, I made a skull necklace for my girlfriend, knowing that she probably wouldn’t want it and then I could have it. She filled out her sheet of Dink paper by making adorable fish and a sun design.

We placed our first batch into the oven and watched the magic. I recorded video of the event, but the oven light washed out the image and was just a three-minute clip of me whispering, “Holy shit!” as if I had just witnessed the birth of a galaxy or the ending of Seven.

Watching the dinks shrink is truly magical. They curl up almost immediately and shrink down to 1/3rd of their original size.

Here’s the finished product.

Octobear’s tentacles curled up and twisted into each other in the best possible way. It looks amazing. The pictures don’t quite do it justice.

After the first batch, I made my next items.

I bet $50 that no one in the world has made a Shrinky Dink in the shape of Tom Hanks’ character from the lackluster summer movie Larry Crowne. Try and find Larry Crowne Shrinky Dinks at the craft store. It cannot be done.

But now I have one!

I have not seen Larry Crowne so my understanding of the story is vague. I know he drives a scooter, and I assume he wields a sword. I punched a hole in his head so that I can turn him into a Christmas ornament, and once again I push the edge of society by making the world’s first and only Larry Crowne Christmas ornament. Up yours, Hallmark Keepsake!!!

I also made an ornament of Meryl Streep, because she’s a gifted actress worthy of respect.

And then I made a Jude Law pendant. This pendant, which can be secured with decorative string, is perfect for wearing out to the club or to the store! I really should open my own Etsy shop and make a killing selling these. Is $700 too cheap?

I also made a Gary Sinise pendant.

Know any Gary Sinise fans? I don’t. But if you do, tell them they can buy this pendant for the low-low price of $30. However, if Gary Sinise and Jude Law starred in a movie together, then I’m not sure I can break up the set.

Finally, after witnessing what happened with Octobear’s tentacles, I was curious to see how a woven Shrinky Dink mat would turn out.

Surely one of three things would happen as the overlapping slivers of Dink material were warmed.

1. Time turns into liquid.
2. The woven mat becomes smaller.
3. The trees awaken and walk the earth.

The correct answer is 2.

I have several left over Shrinky Dink pages that I’m saving for a special project. More on that later. And more birthday items to be revealed soon.

Thanks, Todd!

Reminder: The Lego Advent Calendar contest ends tonight!!!