The Daisy That Rose
By Dan Bergstein
Next to the rumbling highway
In the wild grasses and weeds
A small purple flower
Talked to her small purple seeds
“You will one day be planted
And then slowly you’ll grow
But listen my children
There are things yet to know”
“You can grow to the left
You can grow to the right
You can grow ziggy and zaggy
Or grow only at night”
“I won’t tell how
Or yell if you’re wrong
But let me just tell you
Of Daisy Susan, the strong” Continue reading
Continued from yesterday.
24. Try writing longhand. And then you’ll realize what a crap-show that is when your hand cramps up and everything is slow and AGH! Go back to electric wording. It’s better.
23. Writing about gadgets and tech is harder than you think.
22. Don’t brag about seeing a movie early. That doesn’t suddenly make you King of Entertainment.
21. How much have your written today? If the answer is less than 1,000 words, you’re not trying. Writing is work. Take it seriously. Get to it!
20. Try your best to never begin a headline with “Here.”
19. Even terrible websites and magazines are staffed by smart, creative people. They know how crappy their product is and are doing the best they can. Continue reading
49. Before you begin writing for the day, clap your hands together and say, “Let’s make some magic!” Then knock over a lamp.
48. The less you use parentheticals, the more effective they are. (This is a waste of them, and now when I use them later, it won’t reach maximum wonderfulness.)
47. Cormac McCarthy was given a free pass to omit standard punctuation in his novels. There was a secret ceremony and he got a special sash. You are not Cormac McCarthy. You should use standard punctuation.
46. To combat writer’s block, be a big baby about it and tell your Twitter followers, “Ugh. Terrible day. I don’t even want to talk about it. Please RT.”
45. You are trying to connect with readers. Never forget this. If you simply want to express your thoughts, write them in a diary. The goal of a professional writer is to share their work with the reader. Look at your work from he reader’s perspective. What do they want? Compare that to what you are offering them. This isn’t about you! Continue reading
Continued from yesteday.
74. When asked what you do, say, “I am a writer.” Never, ever say, “I am a content creator.” It’s bad enough you tell people you’re a writer. Don’t make it worse.
73. Typos are not the worst thing. Clutch your pearls, but it’s true. Ideas are more valuable than correct spelling and grammar. As an editor, I accepted a story with great ideas and poor grammar long before I accepted a story with mediocre ideas and correct grammar. Don’t get hung up on grammar and spelling.
72. Don’t correct a person’s spelling and grammar unless you are that person’s editor. Otherwise it’s rude. You don’t tell a stranger, “That hat is ugly. That is the wrong hat. Change your hat or else your face does not matter to the world.”
71. Sometimes people use the word “literally” literally to make a point. It’s an exaggeration. It’s okay to do that.
Example:
“After the kiss, Gretchen literally died.”
I am using the word to suggest that the reaction is so extreme it transcends figurative expression. I know what I’m doing. It’s called art, piss hole! Back off!
70. Use “piss hole” as a derogatory term. It’s gross and mean yet does not carry with it the social weight of gender modifiers or sexual preferences. It’s just a yucky, funny thing to call someone. Continue reading
NEWS ANCHOR KIRK FATHOMS
…and despite the lion’s appetite, none of the astronauts were injured. Now let’s get a check on the weather from Channel 18’s Dory Milltrout. Dory, what can we expect with this storm?
DORY MILLTROUT
Thanks Kirk. We’re tracking the storm and it looks like we could be in for some significant snowfall totals. Let’s take a look at the big board.
As you can see, the storm is moving in from the west and bringing with it a lot of moisture. Now, the storm could change track, and instead of snow, we may end up with three inches of dead turtles. It all depends on how the storm tracks. The next twelve hours are critical.
The computer models for the storm can’t seem to agree on snowfall/turtle totals. In fact, one model says the storm will miss us completely, but this is the same weather model that once told us Vicky’s party was a costume party, when it was definitely not a costume party. So…that’s something to consider. Continue reading
There have been a few teaser trailers for Disney/Pixar’s Cars 3. It looks like it’ll be a darker movie.
I liked the first Cars and cannot remember anything at all about Cars 2.
Here is my pitch for Cars 3, a darker story for a darker time.
The film opens with Lightning McQueen racing around a track and being cocky. And then he crashes. We’ve seen this in the teaser trailer, so I’m sticking with it.
Here’s the twist: McQueen dies. He’s dead. His car isn’t alive anymore.
The car parts are disassembled and recycled as a sad folk song plays. Everyone in the theater is crying. At the recycling plant, we see the metal and plastic of his body being melted down and formed into new material. The recycled metal is made into screws.
We then see a bunch of recycled screws being juggled down an assembly line. We follow a few screws closely, screws we know were once part of Lightning McQueen. Where are they going? The screws are packed up and shipped out. The folk song hits a very low note. Is this the end? Screen goes black as shipping truck door slams.
The door opens. There’s a bright light. The folk song hits a happier chord. Something is happening. But what? The boxes of screws are poured into sorting machines. We follow the same four screws. More assembly lines. More music. Look at the detail on these machines! Pixar loves detail!
And then the screws are picked up and placed into…something.
Camera pulls back. It’s a Buzz Lightyear doll. A new one. With new screws…screws that were once Lightning McQueen’s flesh and bones.
The doll is stiff at first.
When it’s alone in the box, its eyes blink and he looks around. McQueen’s voice speaks, “What? What is going on?”
Cars 3 logo appears on the screen.
Rest of the movie is Lightning McQueen in a Buzz Lightyear body grappling with questions such as: Where did the cars from Cars come from? Do Cars have babies? Is there a Car god? Who makes the toys?
Film ends with Lightning McQueen Lightyear crucified for asking difficult questions. He looks directly at the camera before dying and whispers, “You.”
Also, there’s a big chase scene in a mall parking lot on Black Friday. It’s fun!
Pop the corn and get ready! Here are the best films to see in 2017.
Star Wars Episode VIII: Force It
Who are Rey’s parents? What does the Force taste like? Does Luke have secrets? What is BB-8’s origin story? What are the names of every stormtrooper? Where on the sexuality spectrum does Boba Fett live? Can Yoda be in this one? How about two Death Stars at the same damn time!? Is Kylo Ren a ghost? All will be answered!
Back to the Future: Rise of Time
In this all-female reboot, teenager Martha McFly must travel back to 1985 to make sure her parents fall in love at prom. 80s references galore! The movie exists outside of the original movie, and yet there are references to the original movie so that audiences will be left confused. The trailer gives away the only funny joke, which is about Donald Trump being president in 2017.
Untitled PG-13 Movie Starring The Rock
The Rock plays Craig or maybe Eli — a cop (or dentist? or renegade soldier?) who tilts his head often and says, “Not today, bub.” Plot involves jumping/falling from helicopters and a car flips over. Soundtrack relies heavily on 80s pop rock, though the trailer makes great use of “Who Let the Dogs Out.” Kevin Hart is there, also. Movie is somehow based on an old TV show that everyone vaguely remembers. (Not sure what show yet. Doesn’t really matter. Whatever’s available. Maybe China Beach, or Northern Exposure?)
Celebrity interviews are rarely good. This is not the fault of the writer, or the interview subject. The very concept is flawed. There are only so many ways you can ask, “Tell me about your latest project,” and only so many ways a celebrity can answer.
It’s like asking, “What’s the capital of Pennsylvania?” The answer will be Harrisburg, or, if the interview subject is quite clever, “Not Miami.” You can’t ask for the capital of Pennsylvania and expect the interview subject to explain their thoughts on the human condition. There’s just not much meat in the question, or the format.
Ask a celebrity about their latest project and they will spit out the one sentence, well-rehearsed answer which will lead to a stale anecdote about something mildly funny that happened on the set of the new movie.
And the interview ends.
It’s the nature of the beast. That’s how quick, celebrity interviews are handled. (Spoiler Alert: It’s all marketing, and if you needed me to tell you that, deduct 100 points from your final score.)
I’ve interviewed between 50 and 1,000,000 people for stories during my career. I can’t keep track of them all. They happen fast and are forgotten seconds after the story is published. Continue reading
The concept of multiple universes or infinite realities seems to have taken hold of our sci-fi/fantasy worlds recently. One basic theory: Every decision you make creates a reality, but there also exists trillions upon billions of other realities based on the decisions you didn’t make. If you drink orange juice in the morning, your reality is based on that decision. Drink milk instead, and another you — an alternate you — will experience an alternate reality with different events.
Walk that theory out past your brain meat and you get something that states: There exists an infinite number of realities in which an infinite number of possibilities occur.
As such, there is a reality for everything — a reality in which you’re reading this on a beach in Hawaii, another in which you’re not reading this at all because you died in a fight with a dinosaur, another reality in which you can’t understand these words because they are not written in Moon Language, your native tongue. There is a reality for every scenario.
Cool stuff, right?
But there’s a huge problem with that thinking, something that has given me headaches and nosebleeds for months.
Consider this: If there are are infinite number of realities, one of those realities must be a reality without any other realities. Therefore, we must be in that reality because there can only be that one reality, because we’re already in it.
Confused? SHUT UP! I’m not an astro-doctor, so it’s difficult to express my think sauce clearly.
Let me try to repeat the idea again with different words.
If there is a reality for every possibility, one of those possibilities must be a reality in which no other realities exist. And if that one reality exists, no other realities can exist…so that must be the one we’re living in.
Get it?
It helps if you’ve been drinking a lot of coffee, but trust me…my findings are sound. And I’m not just saying that so you’ll stop trying to find the Good Dan who is definitely not trapped in the Laser Farm root cellar. So don’t even bother looking there.
I’m not a music nerd, so forgive me if my year-end list is a little obvious or lame. Here are the songs I’ve listened to the most in 2016. Some are new songs, others are songs new to me.
Let’s not fight about this.
“Fill In the Blank” by Car Seat Headrest
It sounds like something from high school that was transported into the future where I listen to it as an adult.
“Lady Luck” by Richard Swift
This came up on my Spotify’s Discover playlist, and is one of the few times when Spotify totally gets me. I don’t know who Richard Swift is, or if his other music is any good, but I loved this song all year.
“715 – Creeks” by Bon Iver
That’s not the correct way to spell the song’s title. The actual title is made of symbols that would require me to hit the control key, or shift, or F7 to generate the accurate text. But let’s just call it Creeks. Bon Iver’s latest album, “22, A Million”, is a weird collection of alien folk rock that sounds like it was made by an artificially intelligent keyboard with a beard. I like it…I think. I listened to the album, and this song in particular, a lot during a very rough August/September period of the year when my family was dealing with a great loss. As such, this song is now associated with that time and those feelings.
“Famous” by Kanye West
Kanye West is an asshole, but I’m glad he exists. Too much pop music is safe and precious. If a pop star dares to try anything new, or say anything strange, Twitter will attack with enough ferocity to kill a career. But Kanye does whatever the hell he wants, and I admire that even if he’s also an egotistical sack of stupid. Plus, this song is great.
“Frankie’s Gun” by The Felice Brothers
Makes me happy, even if the subject matter is grim.
“I Really Like You” by Carly Rae Jepsen
Makes me happy, even if the subject matter is corny.
“Hurdy Gurdy Man” by Donovan
This is an old song, but I “discovered” it this year and put it on most of my playlists. If you haven’t heard the song yet, listen to it. It’s weird in the best way.
“Super Mario World” by Logic
“Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my God!” It gets in your head and lives there all day.
“Walk on the Wild Side” by Jimmy Smith
I heard this jazz song for years, thanks to the Casino soundtrack, but I re-discovered it this year. So good! So jazzy! So cool!
And that’s about it. There are some other great songs, but too many to mention here.