NEWS ANCHOR KIRK FATHOMS
…and despite the lion’s appetite, none of the astronauts were injured. Now let’s get a check on the weather from Channel 18’s Dory Milltrout. Dory, what can we expect with this storm?

DORY MILLTROUT
Thanks Kirk. We’re tracking the storm and it looks like we could be in for some significant snowfall totals. Let’s take a look at the big board.

As you can see, the storm is moving in from the west and bringing with it a lot of moisture. Now, the storm could change track, and instead of snow, we may end up with three inches of dead turtles. It all depends on how the storm tracks. The next twelve hours are critical.

The computer models for the storm can’t seem to agree on snowfall/turtle totals. In fact, one model says the storm will miss us completely, but this is the same weather model that once told us Vicky’s party was a costume party, when it was definitely not a costume party. So…that’s something to consider.

In the city, you can expect to see between 6 – 12 inches of snow in height, and about 264,000 inches of snow in width.

Snow will mix with rain and birds, so expect messy conditions during the overnight and undermorning hours. Snow will turn to sleet and freezing rain for a few minutes, then it will turn into burning rain, then it will become a ten-speed bike thanks to a misguided birthday wish before finally turning back into snow.

During a storm of this magnitude, we get a lot of questions on social media, chief among them: Are snowflakes the ghosts of bugs? The answer: Not always. That’s why it’s important to stay indoors if possible.

Temperatures will be holding in the mid 0s, but if everyone rubbed their hands together at the same time, we can probably squeeze out a few more degrees of Fahrenheit…maybe even Celsius. Let’s agree to rub our hands together at 4:30, just to see what happens.

With temperatures this cold, we want to remind our viewers to wear layers if you are going outside. The first layer should be cotton, then a layer of pecans, then a layer of acrylic paint, then put on an ironic nerd shirt like Super Mario driving the Back to the Future DeLorean for some reason. The next layer should be sunscreen, and then a layer of whispers, then a coat, then take that coat off and wear a better coat, and the final layer should be cold mud so the Predator can’t see you.

Now let’s cut to some footage of a salt truck loading up on salt.

[Cut to video]

Look at all that salt.

[Cut back to Dory]

We want to remind our viewers that shoveling snow is strenuous work. The best way to remove snow from driveways is by paying the Anderson’s boy $30. He needs the work and promises not to use the money on beer and Deadpool merchandise. He’s also very sorry for the fire last summer.

If the Anderson’s boy is busy crouching behind nearby sheds, shovel the driveway yourself as fast and as furiously as possible. Get angry! Your anger generates heat that helps melt the snow faster. Think about politics.

Or, wait for thirsty cats and wolves to lick your driveway clean. Attract thirsty cats and wolves by standing on the porch saying, “Pss, pss, psst. Here. Pss, psst. Free water. Pss, pss, psst.” Then scratch your pant leg.

KIRK FATHOMS
Thanks for the helpful tips, Dory. With slick conditions, should drivers take caution or take no caution on area roadways?

DORY MLLTROUT
There’s no need to take caution on the roadways. Snow acts as nature’s airbag, so have at it.

KIRK FATHOMS
Great. We’ll check back with you in about two minutes so you can say the exact same things again, and again, and again. But first, we go live now to reporter Hank Billthew who is live at a nearby gas station. Hank, what’s it like out there?

HANK BILLTHEW
It’s cold. It’s snowing a little. Some of the snow is ghost bugs. Here’s some footage of salt trucks loading up on salt

[cut to footage]

Back to you.

KIRK FATHOMS
Thanks, Hank. When we return, how you can save eight dollars a decade by making your own mouthwash, plus Nick Ganders will have highlights from this game of Candy Crush Soda he just played since there are no sports since everything is canceled. We’ll be right back.