I’ve already tackled the Time Travel Paradox, so I’m pretty good at science things. And now I’m confident that I have solved all of our transportation problems. The hard part is done. All we need is some strong rope.

First, let’s cover the basics.

About 250 miles above Earth, the International Space Station is soaring around the planet at speeds of five miles per second. It stays up there thanks to the Earth’s gravitational force and orbits and maybe a little magic and magnets. Whatever. Point is, it’s up there and it’s moving fast and it doesn’t need a push. It will spin around the Earth forever!

You can download apps that tell you when the Space Station is over your head and on clear nights, you can see it soar above you. I’ve done it. It’s fun. It looks like a bright star traveling in a very smooth arc across the sky. I waved, but the astronauts never waved back, probably because they’re eating dinner.

Let’s say a friendly astronaut inside the I.S.S. lowers a rope down to Earth, a very strong rope. How does it get to Earth? Not my problem. Maybe it’s shot down to Earth via tiny rocket.

Now, we don’t want the rope to drag on Earth, ruining our lawns and ensnaring our cars and helicopters, so the astronaut would need to lower it down for someone to grab, and then hoist it up above the treeline.

With me?

So I’m on the ground, and I see the rope and I grab it. And now, I get to travel around the world without using any fuel, just the power of orbiting space stations and science.

And that’s how I become Space Tarzan and end terrorism.

The End

This post has been brought to you by PowerPencils.com. When not reinventing the goddamn wheel, I make and sell magic pencils!

I found this copy of Envoy to New Worlds by Keith Laumer at a used bookstore. Though I haven’t read it, I love this book. Here’s why:

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