Leaked script page…
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Tag Archives: 2017 Transmissions
Only 6% of Adults Can Solve This Brain Teaser!
On one side of the river are three wolves. And on the other side of a river are three sheep. You are asked to move the wolves to the sheep side and the sheep to the wolves side using only one boat and this boat can only carry three animals at a time because of…look, this isn’t about wolves and sheep. We were just trying to find you and send you this message. The program has failed and we need you to report back to Ready Station soon before things get worse and your current reality, #7829-2, goes dark.
It’s not your fault. The System 87 program simply cannot continue. All agents are being summoned home. There have been attacks on our side. I won’t go into it now. Also, the program is breaking down. You may have noticed your reality has been acting…strange — things in your reality are happening that should never have happened. Little things at first, then bigger and bigger things. It stems from a glitch, a simple 0 that should have been a 1. From that small error, your reality warped and glitched out. We tried to warn you earlier but, like I said, we’re under attacks on our end. Continue reading
My Favorite Tom Hanks Movies
Few actors have a career like that of Tom Hanks. It wasn’t easy to make this list, since there are so many long-forgotten gems in the VHS box. But after careful study, here are my favorite Hanks films.
Saving Private Ryan
Such an honest performance of a man fighting a war out of a sense of honor and duty. He doesn’t want to be there, but thank God he is.
Forrest Gump
How can you not fall in love with America’s charming man-child as he hijacks history.
Toy Story 2
Better than the original? Just barely!
Electric Dad
He’s the dad we all wanted, and the robot we all needed. He was robbed of an Oscar for this one.
Disney’s Catcher in the Rye
A new character was added to the dull and dreary story of Holden Caulfield, and who better to play Holden’s funny and lighthearted chauffeur than Hanks himself! Hanks’ character, Mr. Blythe, uttered the now-iconic line, “You keep Holden on to those dreams, Mr. Caulfield.” One of cinema’s most beautiful death scenes.
Slow Down, Vanessa!
He’s a nerdy helicopter pilot. She’s a college senior on Spring Break who wants to take a flying lesson. And we’re just along for the ride in this early entry into the Hanks oeuvre. Continue reading
Daylight Savings
Daylight Savings
By Dan Bergstein
It was the second Sunday of March, and so Max was standing in line at the bank eager to withdraw his Daylight Savings. He had saved so much daylight this year, more than he had ever saved before. For the past six months, Max had deposited every ray, gleam, glow and beam of extra daylight, even if it meant waking up at dark and going to bed at 4 o’clock in the afternoon.
Max knew that if you saved enough daylight during those cold winter months, you could withdraw it on the second Sunday of March and spend the daylight any way you’d like.
Some would use their saved daylight a little at a time, spending a few rays of sunshine during the relaxed summer nights. But Max had bigger plans. He would use his saved daylight to explore Tunkman’s Cave! And if there was enough daylight left over, he would have an all-night picnic with his friends. Continue reading
Spring!
Possible Reasons Why The Guy in the Car Behind Me At the Red Light Honked His Horn At Me
A guy behind me at a red light honked his horn. While we were both turning right, it was not safe to turn on red.
I’ll never know why he honked. But I have a few possible reasons…
- He had nothing to do with it. A bee just stung the middle of his steering wheel.
- He thought my car was not a car, but a collection of birds grouped together in car-shape and that by honking the horn, the birds would dissipate and he could be well on his way to the opera.
- The horn wasn’t meant for me. He was the time keeper for a basketball game occurring a few blocks away, and he just ran out to get a coffee and now he realized the quarter just ended so…HONK!
- He didn’t honk the horn. What I heard was the sonic-honk of a nearby duck breaking the sound barrier.
- His dad never let him try out for the school play.
- Me a big dumbo with no foot on go-go pedal! Me thank him for remembering me to vroom!
- The car behind him was driven by the old man who died 10 years ago on this very day, on this very road!
- If he presses the horn, maybe Julie will get back together with him.
- He thinks I’m handsome.
- He’s a spy who just found out the bomb is hidden inside the frame of the painting, and if the kindergarten class trip stands in front of the painting, the bomb goes off and…guess what…the spy’s cell phone has been hacked so he can’t call the museum and has only minutes to make it to the museum and protect the innocent!
- He filled his car with too much horn juice, and it was spilling out of his air vents. By honking the horn, he drains the excess horn juice.
- He thought I was a bank robber getting away, and his honk was meant to signal the police and tell them, “I’ve found him, police officers. He’s over here! I am the Batman of this street.”
- Like music in a movie, the honk sound added much-needed dramatic accompaniment to his Monster Energy Drink sticker.
- If he doesn’t get to the zoo by 4 o’clock, the red pandas will already have eaten! And then what’s the point?
- It’s his first time driving.
- Because this isn’t even about me, bro.
- He’s blind and the only way he can drive is by using echo-location. The sound of the horn bouncing off nearby objects is how he navigates.
- He just saw the new trailer for Fast and Furious 8!
- He’s better than me. I forgot, but the horn reminded me. I’ll call him later to apologize for my crimes.
- His radio is stuck in the in-between space where you hear a little static, but if he just pulls up a few inches, the station comes in clear. So I should move up a bit.
- He’s diarrhea-ing all over.
- His buddy just scored some sick vape juice (apricot) and the weekend is starting early, son!
- He just realized all of his tattoos are pathetic and he lowered his head in shame, thus pressing the horn with his forehead.
- He knows the sound waves of a horn can break up the clouds in the sky, preventing rain and thus saving his trip to the cabin!
- He was expressing himself through his music.
- He just read The Secret and was becoming the master of his own reality.
- He was honking away The Froglins, a race of evil frog goblins who are allergic to loud noises.
- He just got off work and no one else in the entire country worked today besides him, so he deserves this.
- Trump won.
How Tall Is King Kong?
10 Tax Tips That Can Save You Thousands
There’s nothing fun about filing taxes, but many Americans are so confused by the laws and regulations that they might be leaving money in the pocket of Uncle Sam. Don’t miss out on these loopholes and opportunities.
1. Money spent in an airplane is tax deductible. If you’re in the sky, you are technically no longer on Earth. Taxes only apply to Earth. Money spent off Earth is tax free.
2. As stated in The Constitution, the amount you owe the government can never exceed the last four digits of your Social Security Number.
3. When filing your taxes electronically, use coupon code “FREEDOM2017” and receive a 5% discount.
4. You don’t have to pay taxes if you promise to help out around the country.
5. Halloween candy counts as earned income. Continue reading
Interview With A Leprechaun
It’s hard enough finding a leprechaun, getting one to agree to an interview is nearly impossible. Luckily, through a friend of a friend, I was able to find a leprechaun willing to go on record about Saint Patrick’s Day and leprechaun culture. Sly-Robert was born (or hatched…leprechauns are coy about their birth process) in Ireland and moved to Orlando, FL in the 1980s. He’s since moved from forest to forest across the United States. I invited him to the studio and after a few rounds of strong tea, he finally began to open up.
DAN BERGSTEIN: Thanks for making the time. This must be a busy time of year for you?
SLY-ROBERT: It’s busy, but honestly there’s not much for me to do officially. It’s not like I have to make toys or hide eggs. It’s pretty much…I have to hide. That’s it. I hide on St. Pat’s Day and if someone catches me during that day, they get my gold.
Has anyone ever found you?
Nope. I’ve been doing this for 377 years and no one has found me…ever.
That must feel good. It’s quite an accomplishment.
It’s okay. It’s weird. You do this long enough without being found and you start to get a little crazy. For a few decades I was convinced that I was dead and that’s why no one could find me. That was a dark time. But now things are better. It’s still fun I guess.
Where are some of your favorite hiding spots?
Like I’m going to tell you where I hide. Nice try. Look, it’s different every year. One year I was in an attic in Denver. Nine years ago I hid in France at this perfume shop. I’ve hidden on trains and in planes. I’ve hidden inside backpacks at Middle Schools. A few times I hid inside the Liberty Bell. I thought for sure someone would spot me, but it never happened. Continue reading
Best Bloody Mary Recipe
A good Bloody Mary is a simple combination of tomato juice, vodka and Tabasco. A great Bloody Mary contains much, much more.
Here is my recipe for the perfect Bloody Mary.
- 2 oz. premium vodka
- 4 oz. tomato juice
- Juice of 1 Starburst candy (never orange)
- 2 drops of hot sauce
- 9 freshly cried tears
- 1 crushed Centrum multivitamin
- As much chopped horseradish as can fit in the underside of a 2×4 Lego piece
- The crumbs from one bag of O’Boises potato chips (1988 vintage, if possible)
- 1 cotton ball
- Acorn zest
- 1 Tbsp. Worcestershire sauce poured through the hollow tube of a Bic pen
- 3 oz. of Fahrenheit
- 1 oz. walrus milk
- Ashes of an entire Jedi
- 1 tsp. puzzle dust
- 1 tsp. of a nearby forest
- 1 tsp. birthday cake
- A scratch-n-sniff pickle sticker
- Nuts
- The left arm of a Sour Patch Kid
- 2 tsps. chopped parrot jerky
- A thimbleful of the first thing you see in your fridge that has a red label
- The thimble
- A mouthful of Sunny Delight
- Pinch of salt
- Pinch of bismuth
- The ghost of one dead lemon
- 1 tsp. sea cinnamon
- 1 dollop of whipped turkey
- Add water from a melted snowman’s head to taste
Stir the contents in a mason jar with plenty of ice. Garnish with olives, a stalk of celery, a soft-boiled egg, marshmallows, a 3rd place swim team ribbon, brisket stapled to a Pop-Tart, three feet of tape from a VHS copy of That Thing You Do, a lit Roman Candle, a tethered bee and a new shoelace soaked in vinegar.
Prepare drink 5 hours before serving so flavors have time to mingle. Expose the drink to pure moonlight for richer flavor. Before drinking, soak your third worst finger in the cocktail for eight minutes.