I want to interview you. Yes, you.

In the coming weeks and decades I will start interviewing random people and transcribing the interviews for funny posts on this very website. These interviews will be short and great. They may be conducted in a chat window, via e-mail, Skype, semaphore, Google, Yappers, Titoe, FuzzleBot, or any other form of communication. (Some of those may not be real forms of communication…yet.)

The questions will be fun, goofy, and nice. I won’t make you appear stupid. All stupid jokes will be done to make myself seem stupid. The end result will be something that is entertaining and (hopefully) funny.

As a hot-shot professional magazine writer, I have interviewed billions of people including ultra-mega celebrities such as Bam Margera, Stacy Keibler, and some woman whose name I forget but it was probably something like Bridget McTiffany who starred in a TBS show that I think was called Nurse Doctors…or something. You could join this prestigious list!

Now I’m using my amazing interview skills for Dan’s Interview Project of Goodness (better title TK.) [TK is a technical publishing term. It means “Toby Keith.”]

Interested in being part of this project? Keep reading!

Criteria:

Must be 18 or older. I know many of my readers are younger, but sadly the world is a creepy awful place and you shouldn’t be talking to strangers if you’re not an adult. I’m sure you understand. My legal and ethics teams are currently working hard to see if we can change this, but for the time being: Adults only. If you’re underage, keep in mind that I could interview your parents, teachers, older siblings, dog catchers, or president. If you know someone above the age of 18 who would be interested, send them this pitch. I need a lot of people to interview, so spread the word!

Be real. I’m only interested in interviewing real people, and not the eccentric British character you improvised named Hilary Bossombottom, who enjoys feathers and butlers. If I suspect you’re lying/acting, the interview will come to sad, abrupt end. I don’t mind using fake names for the sake of anonymity, but your answers and personality should be 100% honest.

Legal junk. Before raising your hand and offering your words, know that there’s a small chance these interviews will be collected in book form. If/when this happens, you may need to sign a form giving me permission to use your words in the book. If you don’t like the idea of signing things, please don’t offer to participate.

If I haven’t creeped you out yet, and you still want to be part of this incredible project, please contact me at dan@laserfarm.com or you can contact me publicly on my Facebook wall. Or stop by the Starbucks I’m currently visiting. (I’m the dopey guy in the back who appears to be hard at work but is secretly just writing the words “Jetpacks ahoy!” again and again on his computer.)

To give you a general idea of what the interviews will hopefully look like, here are two interviews that I wrote up for SparkNotes.

Interview with Spellbound Author Cara Lynn Shultz

Interview with an English Teacher

And for reading this entire thing, here’s a link to a picture of a dog. Enjoy.

UPDATE:
I’m getting a lot of great responses. To keep track of everyone please either join this brand new Facebook page or send me an e-mail to dan@laserfarm.com. If you simply say “Interview me” on my Facebook wall, there’s a small chance you will get lost in the shuffle, so liking the Fanpage or sending an e-mail is your best bet. In the coming week, I’ll send out more information to those interested, including a brief questionnaire to help get us all organized with technology and whatnot. Thanks again. You are amazing.

UPDATE #2:
I’m getting your e-mails and reading them all. I promise. I’ll reply to everyone in the next few days.

I was contacted on Facebook by a lovely young woman named Elena. Elena’s mom works at a school for the deaf, and Elena asked if could write a story about A Wizarding School for Deaf Students. Instead of a story, I wrote a poem (because I’m wearing my poetry pants today). Hope you like it, Elena! Thanks!

Wizards of Sign
By Dan Bergstein

At the Wizarding School for the hearing impaired,
The students are silent, but not unprepared.
With their deft, mighty fingers and magical thoughts,
They can summon a dragon or charm Bertie Botts.

With a ninja-like stealth that you must admire,
The language of sign is all they require.
To blast a Dementor, they need only blink.
To Accio a broom, they need only think.

There’s a sign for Stupefy, but it’s secret and fast.
You’ll hear only your scream by the time that it’s cast.
And when it’s dark out, shouting seems dumb.
So Lumos is cast using only a thumb.

Some can read lips, most can read minds.
Some can read knees, throats, eyes, and hair of all kinds.
The students are brave and so very smart,
They knew Snape was good, right from the start.

With a wave of their hand, they tame a hippogriff.
They can locate a Horcrux with one simple sniff.
While Harry Potter and Ron must holler and yell,
These students are silent, yet know every spell.

They are tricky and cunning; as quiet as a cat.
They might be in this room. Did you just feel that?