Names: Dr. Slam & Stiltz

Real Names: Dr. Roger Slammington and Sarah Jones

Powers: Stiltz is a very tiny woman who uses her sharpened steel stilts to attack. Dr. Slam is her boyfriend. He’s good at science and knots.

Weaknesses: Dr. Slam has horrible depth perception. Stiltz has trouble converting kilometers into miles. Both are susceptible to earthquakes, lava, and pink lemonade. Stiltz is afraid of being eaten by a cat.

Origin: Dr. Slam used science to shrink his girlfriend. Then he gave her those stilts. It’s a pretty straightforward origin.

Rules: Stiltz will attack without provocation. Dr. Slam will attack anyone who says Kiss is a good band.

Description: Stiltz is the funny one.

Name: The Swing Thing

Powers: Swing Things are unnatural beasts capable of launching themselves off of the swings at the park and soaring 300 feet through the air until they pounce on their victims. They have sharp teeth and a tenacious grip. Their saliva is poisonous and if a human is bitten by a Swing Thing, that person will turn into a Swing Thing in 37 years. During those years, the human will suffer from a mild sore throat. This is the only known symptom. If you have a mild sore throat, assume you’ve been bitten by a Swing Thing and turn yourself in to the nearest government Swing Thing facility.

Weaknesses: Swings that have been wrapped around the top pole. Listerine (a.k.a. polar bear urine). Stupid kids not giving them a turn on the swings. Prey standing 301 feet (or farther) away. Lava. Saber-Toothed Lincoln.

Origin: The virus that turns people into monstrous Swing Things started as a rare strain of gingivitis. The virus hollows out the victim’s bones, making the victim lighter, which explains how they can soar through the air. See? It makes sense, scientifically.

Rules: Swing Things hunt in packs. Some work at Best Buy during the summer.

Description: Swing Things look like airborne zombies. They taste like airborne zombies, too. They make a hissing noise because in their language, “Hiss” means “Weeeee!” but it can also mean “sodium.”

Name: Middle-Aged Twilight Fan

Real Name: Usually Barbra or Aunt Barbra. Or Shelly. Sometimes Diane.

Powers: They have unlimited access to evil black magiks. Deadly scorpions dwell in their mighty purses. They can also communicate with carpet and eat raw dirt.

Weaknesses: Reality. Quality story telling. Books that aren’t movies. Lava. Honesty.

Origin: Every action has an opposite reaction. Middle-Aged Twilight Fans are opposite reactions to cute baby bunnies being born. That’s how evil they are.

Rules: If you question their choice of literature, they will slowly kill you over the course of 100 years, by using what they only refer to as “The Dark Winds.”

Description: They smell pathetic.

Name: The Three-Headed Foot

Real Names: Molly, Gus, and Mr. Shovel. (Mr. Shovel wears glasses, of course.)

Powers: Molly and Gus are cool, but Mr. Shovel can murder you. Don’t ask how he does it. You won’t like the answer.

Weaknesses: They have difficulty climbing spiral staircases. Molly hates loud noises. Gus isn’t a fan of cows. Mr. Shovel isn’t very good at crossword puzzles. Mr. Shovel and Molly are allergic to lava.

Origin: This is what happens when you don’t eat enough corn.

Rules: Molly isn’t allowed to watch R-rated movies.

Description: Three heads attached to one rather large foot. It is naked, but not in a fun way.

Name: The Visible Pig

Powers: Good at pig activities.

Weaknesses: Just about everything.

Origin: It’s a pig with a proud, imaginative owner.

Rules: The owner may also try to convince you that he owns an invisible rabbit which he covered in rabbit fur so it wouldn’t get lost or feel bad about itself for being different.

Description: It’s a pig you can see.

Name: The Hawkodile

Powers: Strong bite. Shrewd Monopoly player.

Weaknesses: Lava. Powerful robots. Long lines. Deforestation.

Origin: The Hawkodile is the result of an accident involving a zoo, a glue truck, and a little boy’s birthday wish.

Rules: The Hawkodile attacks those who tag him in Facebook photos without his authorization.

Description: Part crocodile. Mostly hawk.