I bet Santa hates the Polar Express. Here he is on the busiest day of the year and Tom Hanks comes along with a train filled with sugared-up tourists. Santa doesn’t need that right now! He needs to focus. He needs to get in the zone.

It’s like running up to Adele right before she goes on stage in front of the whole world and saying, “I didn’t like your music until right this minute because now I believe! Hey?! Hey!? Can I get a picture?! Can you call my mom and leave a message? What soap do you use?!? Can I have a bell?! A bell from Adele! Ha! Why you not laughing?”

Santa’s a good sport about it, but if you look closely, you can see him roll his eyes when the kid asks for bell. A bell? Come on, kid. Santa has real work to do. When the kid grows up and is working as a lawyer or something, I hope Santa comes during the kid’s busiest day and just hangs out asking questions and poking around the office.

Today in the calendar we get… Continue reading →

Dunkin Donuts has this holiday donut called “Frosted Sugar Cookie” and it’s disgusting but also delicious. Filled with a sugar slime that looks like gravy and topped with crumbs of…something…the donut seems to have been created by a a class of second graders who were told to make their own breakfast.

If you need your monthly dose of sugar in one easy-to-eat mound, then I recommend this donut. All the sugar is what Christmas is about!

In today’s calendar, we find… Continue reading →

As Disney buys up every media company, I’d like to state that I would never sell out Power Pencils to Disney. They cannot own my magic pencils or the wondrous instruction manuals that come with each pencil. Nope. I’m not in this for the money or the glory. I’m in this because I want to share magic pencils with a select few people. If EVERYONE had a magic pencil it would be a disaster — volcanoes spewing ice, dragons attacking time machines, everyone would have rocket bikes — it would be terrible.

As such, Power Pencils will remain an independent intellectual property created by me, myself and I. Disney could offer me $5,000 for the entire business, and I’d still say no! Not even for free tickets to Disney World or a real working lightsaber or even $6,000! Nope!

(However, if Disney would like to buy a few pencils for holiday presents, the shipping deadline for Christmas delivery is December 18th!)

Today the glorious calendar gives unto thee… Continue reading →

Is it me, or is this one of the best toy calendars I’ve opened? Even the dud days can bring forth Bird Thing and booze. And that last sentence only makes sense if you’re cool and have been reading these all month.

Today we get… Continue reading →

Fun Fact: “Baby It’s Cold Outside” won an Oscar in 1949 for best Best Song. It was in a movie called Neptune’s Daughter.

This is something you can use to sound smart at a Christmas party. To add emphasis to your wisdom, announce this fact while wearing a cape and then SWOOSH the cape and say, “And I say good day to you!” Then leave and go home and watch the Christmas episodes of The Office. Sound like a plan?

Good.

I have no idea what to expect form the calendar. Yesterday’s Worst Snowman was a dud, but maybe today’s item will put a smile on my face. Today we get… Continue reading →

People and media companies are making their Best of the Year lists, and I cannot understand why Twin Peaks: The Return isn’t winning every category from “Best TV Show” to “Best Sound of Electricity.”

Well, that’s not true. I do know why. The show was a slap in the face to traditional storytelling and many people thought it was frustrating and weird. But I loved it. And mark my words, in 50 years people will come around and discover the show’s greatness. And they will worship it. Because it’s that good! And then I will laugh from my home on the moon and say, “I told you so!” in my moon language.

So maybe the show won’t win any Golden Globes, and maybe if you mention it at Christmas dinner your uncle will hit your nose for bringing up such nonsense and then he’ll go back to misquoting a joke from a Three and a Half Men rerun. But just know that if you did love the show, you’re not alone. There are two of us.

Enough TV talk. What’s in today’s calendar! Something big? Something small? It’s… Continue reading →

Two weeks until Christmas! If you’d like magical pencils delivered to your door for the holidays, order Power Pencils today! Time is running out! So are the pencils!

The weather people said we’d get an inch of snow yesterday. We got 7.5 inches. If only there was a term to describe erroneous news information.

I’m not complaining. It certainly made everything look pretty and Christmas Card-y outside.

Behind today’s cardboard door we find… Continue reading →

We’re getting our first snow here in Pennsylvania. Total accumulation will be about an inch, which means you can’t stay home and pretend it’s a snow day, now matter how many great things are on NetFlix. There are stores to get to and people driving big cars in parking lots to curse at.

Yesterday was a big one for the calendar…and only for me, I suspect. The calendar is intended for children, and it’s hard to believe anyone in the target demographic was as excited for a granny figure as I was.

Now that I got a Mrs. Claus, what else do I want from this calendar? Might as well shoot for the moon and say “Lego Dragon from The Never Ending Story” or “Lego David Lynch.” Hell, why not wish for a “Lego Real Working Playstation 4”? Seems like anything is possible in this year’s calendar.

On the 9th day of Lego Advent, the calendar gave to me… Continue reading →

First and foremost, I saw this box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch at the store and had to buy it because it comes with a FREE SPOON! Also, CTC is one of the best cereals. I would probably buy it anyway. No need to give me a free spoon, Mr. General Mills. I appreciate it, though. Thank you. Heck, now I feel like I have to get him something.

Like an enormous, single-day Advent Calendar, I didn’t know which of the Star Wars spoons would be in this box. Would it be Rey? Captain Phasma? It’s…it’s…

CHEWBACCA!

I have a Chewbaca spoon! And it changes colors. Might as well go to bed because today has peaked!

Or has it? What is living inside the Lego Calendar today? Continue reading →

I’m in the midst of a writing project that’s both fun and nearly impossible to keep organized in a single Google Doc or Excel page. I was having a hard time with it yesterday and then, while using my computer, iPad, phone and a bolt of lightning I keep in a box, I realized the best way out of this is with old-fashioned, non-WiFi, non-electrical tools. Sometimes you need to unplug because human brains are still adapting to this thing called computers. I went out and got a used bulletin board at the thrift store for $2.

I added a Big Foot sticker because that’s where my life path has taken me.

The board is too big, I know. But I think it’ll help. I’ve been staring at it, wondering from whence it came. Was this hanging in a school at one time, alerting snotty third graders to the joys of “Why We Should Recycle!” or “Whales” or “Slut Shaming: Double Standards in the Patriarchy”? I’m sure there’s a secret history to this framed slab of cork, and damn if it’s all I can think about now. If you recognize this bulletin board, please let me know its origin story.

Seven days into the calendar and I’m waiting for the next mini-figure to pop out and say, “Jesus wasn’t even born in December!” (I assume the next character is going to be a teenager who just got home from one semester of college and now knows all information.)

Today we get… Continue reading →