Category Archives: Wonderful

My New Year’s Resolutions

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1. Control stop lights with my mind.

2. Never type the word “——h—–.”

3. Use my hair more.

4. Stop biting my nails.

5. Stop tasting my knee.

6. Learn to dance with just my eyes. Start “eye dancing” trend. Become rich and famous.

7. Forgive and forget Bruce Willis.

8. Save big $$$ by making my own Oreo Cookie filling. Then I can reuse the cookie parts that have only been licked once (or twice).

9. Learn to hurt clouds.

10. Dig a hole just to see what happens.

11. Give up smoking batteries.

12. Finally reveal to the world that I have no clue how bowling scores work.

13. Use magnets to piss off the moon.

14. Read a book that ends with, “Cows?”

15. Live by the motto, “Don’t hate! Roller-skate!”

16. Learn to roller-skate.

17. Learn to falcon-skate.

18. Pronounce “burger” in a sexy manner.

19. See what happens when I eat the bruised part of a banana. (Super powers?)

20. Become good at jumping. Really good.

21. Stop ending phone conversations with, “The fire of our minds burns brightest when we look away.”

22. Get some rope, just in case.

23. End lists on numbers not divisible by 5 or 10.

How to Write a “Best of 2010” List

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Follow this guide before writing your list of the best movies, albums, video games, books, TV shows, oysters, farms, zoos, and websites of the year.

10. Thing that is good.

9. Thing that isn’t as a good as #10.

8. Thing that everyone else hated because everyone else doesn’t “get it.”

7. Thing that everyone else thinks should be #1.

6. Thing that everyone forgot about.

5. Thing that isn’t good, but it’s about something important, so you have to add it.

4. Thing that is bad but is on the list as a cheap attempt to get page views.

3. Something about Kanye West or Darren Aronofsky.

2. Thing that no one has heard of and is written up as if you have single-handedly discovered the world’s greatest thing. You are such a wonderful person for finding this thing. Statues should be built in your honor and all people of Earth should worship you for your ability to find obscure great things. However, upon further review, the thing you found isn’t that great at all. It’s kind of boring, really. (But keep that part to yourself.)

1. Obvious choice.

Lego Advent Calendar: Day 24 (The Big Finale)

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It’s the last day of the Lego Advent Calendar. *sigh* It seems like just yesterday that I first met Robot Snowman and now he’s so grown up. The final day’s item is both expected and surprising. We all knew the train engine was coming. Only an evil Lego Calendar would give you two train cars and then slap you in the face while screaming, “You don’t get the train engine because you’re ugly!”

So yes, there is a train engine behind today’s door. But the engine is not alone, and with this added item I’m left feeling dirty and scared. What has made me shiver in terror?

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Lego Advent Calendar: Day 23

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Two days. That’s it. Two perforated cardboard doors to tear open. Two Lego prizes to find. And then I will be without Lego until next December. I assume Advent Calendars end on the 24th day because the gift of the 25th day is Jesus and Love. Call me a heathen, but I’d prefer more Legos, or a Lego Jesus, than intangible feelings of spirituality and faith. Don’t mind me. I’m just pissed that there’s nothing to open on Christmas Day.

Today’s item is the Christmasiest item of the lot. It’s not Mrs. Claus in a bathtub, though that would be a splendid gift for tomorrow. Instead, it’s a…

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A Holiday Tour of My Office

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I work from home, which means I can decorate my office with anything I damn well please. If I want to hang up a poster of Dame Judi Dench eating a grilled cheese sandwich while sunbathing, the only thing that’s stopping me is the poster store, which says such a poster doesn’t exist and I should stop calling them.

Here are a few of the holiday things I look at while working hard.

Christmas Scene
I apologize for the washed out photo. I have no idea where the Santa came from, but I dig him. If you lost a Santa like this, and you think this is your Santa, it probably is and I’m sorry that he somehow ended up in my stuff.

Moving on…

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Lego Advent Calendar: Day 22

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Christmas is literally right around the corner. (I named the spider in the hallway “Christmas.”) Yesterday’s Lego Item wasn’t spectacular but it’s a necessary part of the Christmas Train that seems to be popping out of the calendar. So I’m glad it’s there, even if I secretly wished for a Lego Sea Serpent.

Today’s item isn’t the train engine. The Lego Company knew I would be expecting an engine. A train needs an engine, right? Wrong. So very, very wrong.

Read on to find out what is providing the locomotion for this locomotive.

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Lego Advent Calendar: Day 21

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Happy Winter Solstice! Today is “hell day” here at Dan Bergstein Industries, with deadlines looming and many gifts yet to buy before the end of the week. It doesn’t help that my Christmas shopping list is made of vague question marks. (Do you know if my brother’s girlfriend is allergic to owl meat?) So much to do. So little time. Not enough Cinnamon Toast Crunch. That’s the kind of day I’m having.

This Lego item write-up is going to be short. It’s another train car. It’s yellow. It has wheels. It tastes like plastic. It fits in most shoes. It cannot feel pain. It’s not green.

It looks like this.

And this is what it looks like with people riding it.

The End

Day 21 Rating: 2.7 out of 4 (Points deducted because I’m really busy and frustrated today – The owl traps, so far, have been a waste of money.)

Lego Advent Calendar: Day 20

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The Calendar is a strange animal. Just when I think I’ve figured out its patterns and tricks, the calendar laughs in my face, “You know nothing!” After receiving a train car yesterday, and with so few days left in the calendar, I was sure that today’s item would either be another train car, or perhaps the train engine. Thus the train would be completed and the final few days could cough up something unexpected…like a Lego Christmas Beast.

I was wrong. Today’s item was not a train car. It was…

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