I work from home, which means I can decorate my office with anything I damn well please. If I want to hang up a poster of Dame Judi Dench eating a grilled cheese sandwich while sunbathing, the only thing that’s stopping me is the poster store, which says such a poster doesn’t exist and I should stop calling them.
Here are a few of the holiday things I look at while working hard.
Christmas Scene
I apologize for the washed out photo. I have no idea where the Santa came from, but I dig him. If you lost a Santa like this, and you think this is your Santa, it probably is and I’m sorry that he somehow ended up in my stuff.
Moving on…
Mission: SPACE ornament
Going to Disney World as a kid is fun. Going as an adult is better, because no one can tell you, “Don’t waste your money on overpriced ornaments, idiot.” EPCOT is having a hard time competing with the Magic Kingdom, MGM Studios, and Animal Place (which isn’t called Animal Place, but I don’t care enough to look up its real name).
To help lure people away from The Haunted Mansion, Disney built the Mission: SPACE ride in EPCOT. (Boy, that’s a lot of capital letters. I hope I don’t run out.) It’s a fun ride, and since the thought of decorating my Christmas tree with spaceships gives me an opium high, this item was destined to be mine seconds after entering the gift shop. The day after we rode Mission: SPACE, a kid tragically died on the ride. Mission: SPACE is hardcore. It’s a life-taker. Merry Christmas. (Bonus: If you look carefully, you can see Tom Hanks beneath the tree. He’s dressed as Santa.)
Robot ornament
For the longest time I wanted to put a robot on my Christmas tree but could never find one. It’s a shame I wasn’t after a Wizard of Oz ornament, as every Hallmark store this side of the equator is stocked with about 6 zillion varieties of Wizard of Oz tree decorations. Did I miss the scene in The Wizard of Oz when Dorothy celebrated Christmas? Is winter even represented in that film? Why the hell do people associate Christmas with The Wizard of Oz?
Eh…I shouldn’t really talk. After all, I’m the guy who puts souvenirs of life-taking thrill rides and robots on his tree. Anyway, my girlfriend finally found a robot ornament. Yes, he is reminiscent of the Tin Man, and yes, he has a cutesy heart on the front, but I choose to believe it’s the heart of his enemy, which he ripped out and pinned to his chest as a hunting trophy. His name is Paul.
Darth Vader and Storm Trooper Decorating a Tree-Man
Two years ago, I found these Star Wars holiday toys at Target. I cried. Each figure came with an inexplicable Christmas item. I got the pack that came with Darth Vader holding a candy-cane light saber, a storm trooper with a Christmas wreath, and Boba Fett holding Christmas lights.
Since then, I’ve lost Boba Fett, but I still have Fett’s lights. And of course I have a toy evergreen tree. You do too, right? Put these elements together, and you have the makings of Christmas joy.
Spree Candy Canes
I only have two left. That’s a good sign. Usually I buy a box of candy canes at the beginning of December and it remains untouched until April when I throw it away in a fit of Springtime Rage when all things related to cold weather must be destroyed (Sorry, polar bears).
The Spree candy canes are good. The taste is sweet with a hint of sour. There’s nothing Christmas-y about them, beside the shape, so if you know someone whose name begins with a J, go ahead and give a Spree candy cane to that person year-round. I won’t stop you.
Good World
The Lego Advent Calendar is taking up prime real estate on my desk, right next to my computer. It’s amazing in every possible way. Naked Shower Santa is clearly the showstopper, but all the items are welcome additions to my holiday experience.
It looks disorganized now because every time I cough or think hard about something, one of the Lego pieces falls over, and I never fix it. I’ll rearrange Good World into a lovely holiday scene by Saturday. I promise. (Bonus: Give yourself 12 Dan Points if you can find Robot Snowman’s head.)
The End