Making a Christmas Tree Story

img_1281As a kid, three of my favorite Christmas tree ornaments were: A wooden castle, a small wooden sled and a wooden airplane with a tiny propeller that spun if you flicked it just right. I would meticulously hang the ornaments on the tree so that it told a story…in my mind. The plane was hung towards the top of the tree, because planes fly. The castle was placed in the middle because it was built on an a hill (or a cloud). And the sled was hung towards the bottom. The story would change from year-to-year, or day-to-day, but essentially a hero would fly to the castle, do something heroic, and then escape on the sled in a dizzying action scene that Peter Jackson and Steven Spielberg would be hard-pressed to recreate in a movie. Imagine the speeder bike chase from Return of the Jedi mixed with Die Hard and seasoned with the first twenty minutes of Temple of Doom.

Those three ornaments were lost somewhere, but I still create stories for my Christmas tree. Glass balls are planets, metal snowflakes become magic portals, the spaceship is…well, a spaceship.

The idea of creating Christmas tree stories was part of the inspiration for the new Pencil of Stories. This Power Pencil comes with six wooden ornaments that (may) spring to life as you use the magic pencil to tell tales of adventure and pterodactyls. What’s the story behind the girl, the yeti, the jetpack werewolf and the goblins? You tell me.

img_1284

I may have lost my wooden airplane, castle, and sled, but I can replace them with new ornaments. The story continues!

The Pencil of Stories and all six ornaments (and a Goblin pencil!) are available now as one set! Click here to visit the store and start writing new, weird, wonderful stories!

img_1303

img_1297

100 Safe Conversations Topics for Thanksgiving (That Are Not Political)

family-fightThis Thanksgiving is gonna be a rough one. Avoid bringing up politics by using any of these topics.

100. What’s more important: Glass or Rubber?

99. Ben Affleck the actor vs. Ben Affleck the director vs. Ben Affleck the person.

98. Prussia.

97. Who’s your third favorite Beatle?

96. “My friend saw Slenderman.”

95. Did the person who invented the high-five know what he was doing? Or was it an accident like penicillin?

94. Whatever happened to the pilgrims after Thanksgiving? Are there still pilgrims? Did they die out like dinosaurs and leprechauns?

93. “Ssssssuper Moon!”

92. [Just start quietly singing TLC’s “Waterfalls,” until everyone joins in and starts dancing around the table.]

91. Internet lists.

Continue reading

My Debate Questions

debate-drawingIf the candidates want my vote, here are the questions they must answer:

If I dig a deep hole in my yard, at what point am I no longer in America? Put another way: How deep is America?

How many people do you know?

Can you tell if my eyes are really closed? [Dan squints tightly, but doesn’t technically close his eyes]

When’s the last time you listened to R.E.M.’s “Stand”? I mean really listened to it.

What’s your third-favorite Bruce Willis movie?

When was the last time you said, “kooky”?

How much does a regular bucket cost?
Continue reading

Better Than Jetpacks?

I’ve already tackled the Time Travel Paradox, so I’m pretty good at science things. And now I’m confident that I have solved all of our transportation problems. The hard part is done. All we need is some strong rope.

First, let’s cover the basics.

ISS OneAbout 250 miles above Earth, the International Space Station is soaring around the planet at speeds of five miles per second. It stays up there thanks to the Earth’s gravitational force and orbits and maybe a little magic and magnets. Whatever. Point is, it’s up there and it’s moving fast and it doesn’t need a push. It will spin around the Earth forever!

ISS TwoYou can download apps that tell you when the Space Station is over your head and on clear nights, you can see it soar above you. I’ve done it. It’s fun. It looks like a bright star traveling in a very smooth arc across the sky. I waved, but the astronauts never waved back, probably because they’re eating dinner.

Let’s say a friendly astronaut inside the I.S.S. lowers a rope down to Earth, a very strong rope. How does it get to Earth? Not my problem. Maybe it’s shot down to Earth via tiny rocket.

ISS ThreeNow, we don’t want the rope to drag on Earth, ruining our lawns and ensnaring our cars and helicopters, so the astronaut would need to lower it down for someone to grab, and then hoist it up above the treeline.

With me?

So I’m on the ground, and I see the rope and I grab it. And now, I get to travel around the world without using any fuel, just the power of orbiting space stations and science.

ISS Four

And that’s how I become Space Tarzan and end terrorism.

ISS Five

The End

This post has been brought to you by PowerPencils.com. When not reinventing the goddamn wheel, I make and sell magic pencils!

The Three Best Books I Read in 2015, and One In 2016

I’m a slow reader. When firing on all cylinders I can probably get through an average-sized novel in three weeks, but usually it takes me a month or more to finish a book. As such, looking over my list of books read in 2015 (thanks, Goodreads, for keeping track!), I was sad and ashamed that last year I read only seven books. I hope to do better in 2016.

But, some of the books I did plow through were great, and because I spent a few months last year whining about a certain vampire novel, I’d like to take a few sentences here to share my favorites of 2015.

Southern ReachThe Southern Reach Trilogy by Jeff VanderMeer
If you and I talked about good books recently, I probably shouted, “Have you read The Southern Reach Trilogy?” into your frightened face. And I’m not sorry. The Southern Reach Trilogy is good. Very good. And I just finished the last book today. I could tell you the entire plot of the three books: Annihilation, Authority and Acceptance, but that would ruin the weirdness of this story.

In broad terms, this is about a strange bit of land where strange things occur, and a government’s feeble attempts at understanding A) what happened there B) why did it happen and C) where did all the rabbits go?

Each book in the trilogy, which has now been collected in a single volume, has a different overall feeling. The first book is similar to the show Lost crossed with H.P. Lovecraft’s genre of Weird Fiction. The second book, to me anyway, reads like a Coen Brother’s film that mixes corporate/conspiratorial satire with rich paranoia. And the third book brings it all home by answering questions you didn’t even think to ask.

Some may criticize the books for being slow-paced, and that’s fair. But I loved the slow burn of these book. It might not be for everyone, but for those who are tired of the same old stories being told again and again, here is something new and weird.

Also, Alex Garland, the director who made the fascinating movie Ex-Machina, is directing the movie version of the first book. So…be cool and read the book first.

Wolf In White Van
The Wolf in White Van by John Darnielle

I read this in January of last year and it still haunts me. The story of a young man who copes with tragedy by creating a mail-order role playing game is a strange, dark mystery that slowly reveals itself. This isn’t a happy story, and after finishing it, you’ll probably need a hug and cup of tea. But it’s so beautifully written by Darnielle, who also fronts the lyrically masterful Mountain Goats band, that even when it’s sad and lonely, the book is a page-turner. Again, do not read this if you’re feeling sad.

And that’s all. Other books I read last year include Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson, which was interesting, and The Tenth of December by George Saunders because if you don’t read that, everyone calls you a stupid head. (I thought it was okay.) The other books I read in 2015 are rather forgettable.

Next up, I want to read The Phantom Tollbooth, because I’ve never read it. And I hope to get the Chronicles of Narnia blog started soon.

What were some of your favorite books from last year? Tell me in the non-existant comment section below!

This blog is brought to you by PowerPencils.com! Order a set of magic pencils and then order the world to cower at your throne!!!

Darth Vader Had A Castle?

Vader CastleDid you know Darth Vader had a castle? Because he had a castle! That’s where he lived. He lived in his Darth Vader Castle!

To Star Wars fans, this is nothing new. They already know all about Darth Vader’s castle. But I didn’t know.

I just found out. I just learned that Darth Vader had a goddamn castle! This is amazing! And then I drew it!

And it was rumored to be included in The Empire Strikes Back.

There was a sketch of it, and everything!

Darth Vader had a castle!

I mean…of course he would have a castle. But until today, I just thought he lived in outer space the whole time. But he had a home. It was a castle. It was a real castle! I bet it had a cushy velvet sofa and a big dinning room table and big scary pictures on the walls and trap doors and hidden passageways and a seven dungeons and a launch pad and a room with relics!

It was called Bast Castle!

Darth Vader’s castle had a name! And the name was Bast! And that’s the coolest name for a castle! That castle could kick the ass of those boring Game of Thrones castles.

Look, maybe I’m just high on Star Wars right now, but finding out that Darth Vader had a castle is the best Christmas present I’ve recieved and it (almost) makes me want to read some of those non-cannon Star Wars books. Because if Darth Vader had a castle, what else was I missing?

Did Han Solo have a jetpack?

This is brought to you by PowerPencils.com! For a limited time, use coupon code PENCIL10 and receive 10% off your order!

2015 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 23

IMG_0312The calendar is almost empty. Christmas is almost here. I am almost ready!

I doubt I’ll open another Star Wars calendar next year. Looking at the items I’ve received over these past two years, I’m not sure there’s anything left in the Star Wars universe that I’d want in Lego form.

Already got myself a Speeder Bike, Millennium Falcon, AT-AT w/ antlers, and Middle School Principal.

So next December might be spent opening the classic Lego City calendar. But we’ll see how we all feel in 2016…when we’re all living on the moon.

What’s behind the penultimate door? Continue reading

2015 Lego Advent Calendar: Day 22

IMG_0293Today is the shortest day of the year and also the busiest. I haven’t finished my Christmas shopping, because…well, I don’t need to explain myself to you! BACK OFF!

Sorry. Sorry. Holiday stress.

It may be that I’m drunk on Star Wars, but I think this year’s calendar is better than last year’s…and last year’s was pretty great.

There are only three doors left! What lives behind door #22? Continue reading