If the candidates want my vote, here are the questions they must answer:

If I dig a deep hole in my yard, at what point am I no longer in America? Put another way: How deep is America?

How many people do you know?

Can you tell if my eyes are really closed? [Dan squints tightly, but doesn’t technically close his eyes]

When’s the last time you listened to R.E.M.’s “Stand”? I mean really listened to it.

What’s your third-favorite Bruce Willis movie?

When was the last time you said, “kooky”?

How much does a regular bucket cost?

If I’m in a virtual reality world, and I kill someone, and that person has a real heart attack in the real world because the experience is so scary, am I in trouble?

What is a better name for my collection of short stories: “Gravity Gravy” or “Mind Hawks: Through the Ever-Realm”?

Can I have a try using a tank?

What’s your Klout score?

Can snakes and worms get married to each other and have babies?

On Thanksgiving, do you eat dinner at, like, 1:00 in the afternoon? Isn’t that weird?

What was Mark Twain’s real name?

You have a magic hammer and three magic nails — but you don’t know what they do. How would you use them and why?

What do you think Phoebe from Friends would be up to these days?

Do you think men look good in tiny, skinny scarves? Of course not. Trick question!

Shouldn’t “missiles” be called “hittiles” unless they fail?

If a person can’t afford a glass of water to offer his thirsty family, and thus needs to rob a bank and kill several people to afford water, how is that a crime?

What is your favorite Simpson’s couch gag?

There was a road near my house growing up and it was spelled W-I-N-D-Y Hill. All my life I thought it was pronounced windy, like fast moving air. But my girlfriend said, “It could be windy, like whine-dee, like a windy road.” And now I don’t know what to think. Thoughts?

Can I have two turtles? (I really only want one, but I know the rules of negotiation.)

What happened to Joe Pesci?

How would you update and improve the struggling Epcot Center?

Corn?

Describe the color blue using only sounds.

Small people take up less space in our country; shouldn’t they pay less taxes?

Dorito Oreos. That do anything for ya?

Did you know Power Pencils make wonderful gifts for anyone with a creative spirit? You can buy them now at PowerPencils.com!

Professional basketball scores are too high. How would you lower the scores? My advice: three tripwires placed across the court.

Did you see Stranger Things? Someone should do an internet thing where they make new lyrics to “My Favorite Things” from The Sound of Music but use “Strangiest Things.” It would be so rad! I don’t know how to make internet music things, or else I’d do it. Can you help?

Can you throw a banana like a boomerang? Prove it!

On a scale of 1 to 10, how would you rate my eyebrows? (10 is the best.)

Can you tell I’m half-Jewish?

Can you make sure Christmas isn’t on a weekend. It throws everything off and it’s not fun.

Do you want to ride bikes?

What’s the best country?