Name: Bucket of Hair
Powers: Unknown. Can make a person say, “What the hell is that? A bucket of hair? Gross.”
Weaknesses: Unknown. Resistant to being poked with a stick.
Origin: Mike found it in the woods behind the 7-11.
Rules: Unknown. Poking it with a stick produced no results.
Description: Bucket filled with hair.
Last Seen: Out in the woods behind 7-11.
Name: Anti-Giraffe
Powers: It is smaller and lacks the long neck of a normal giraffe. As such, it’s sneakier and it’s venom is more potent.
Weaknesses: Poachers, lava, the crimson diamonds of Mars.
Origin: There’s a chance it’s just a strange, yellow cow.
Rules: It hasn’t seen The Wire yet, so don’t spoil it!
Description: Strange, yellow cow. Because I forgot to draw the ground, I guess the Anti-Giraffe can also hover in the air.
Last Seen: Floating above a house in South Carolina.
Name: Bad Bike
Powers: The handlebars are covered in sandpaper. The crossbar is a poisonous snake. The front tire is also a snake, and is most likely poisonous. The pedals are on fire. The rear tire is made of glue, impairing mobility. The seat is covered in bird beaks.
Weaknesses: Hills.
Origin: The bike was built to punish kids who forgot to lock up their good bikes.
Rules: Must only be ridden in designated bad bike lanes.
Description: It smells like hair.
Last Seen: Parked outside a Wendy’s in Nebraska.
Name: Hipster Astronaut
Powers: They hover above the Earth with a feeling of superiority.
Weaknesses: Coffee that can be purchased. Music that anyone may hear. Books that are good. Fun. Genuine emotions.
Origin: One hipster said to the other, “We should live in space, and just get away from all this fashion, entertainment, good things, pets that aren’t ironic, food, and people who don’t ‘get’ the sarcasm of my racist Tweets.” And the other hipster just nodded because she was too busy getting “Tattoos Hurt” tattooed on her forearm.
Rules: Hipster Astronauts only attack when provoked or when someone says, “Does vinyl really sound that much better?”
Description: They’ll be the only astronauts in space wearing vintage Nike Airs and riding impractical BMX dirt bikes.
Last Seen: Staring at the planet Mercury and saying, “Pff. Whatever. Anyone want to play Super Nintendo?”
Name: Real Pegasus
Powers: This sad creature is a true Pegasus, born with the body of a horse and the limbs of a bird. He has wings instead of front legs, and his hind bird legs are too frail to support his body upright. The wings are not strong enough to lift the weight of a horse torso. As such, he just crawls around on the ground, and keeps hitting his head on the dirt.
Weaknesses: Everything.
Origin: This is what happens when little girls wish for things they don’t understand.
Rules: Try not to stare.
Description: His whines of sadness will shatter even the warmest heart.
Last Seen: Slumping around a park in Utah.
Name: Fire-cicles (Or Firicles)
Powers: They are cicles of fire that dangle from roofs and electrical wires during the hot summer months. They are painful.
Weaknesses: Water and turtle shells.
Origin: They occur naturally in the wild but have grown in numbers since man first landed on the moon. Could be unrelated.
Rules: Don’t touch, lick, or mock them.
Description: Thin cones of fire that drip to the ground.
Last Seen: In the above drawing.
Name: Eyeball in a Jar on a Roller Skate
Powers: May cause instant death. Was the first being of all time to say, “Will Ferrell and the drummer from the Red Hot Chilli Peppers look alike.”
Weaknesses: Most things, particularly rocks.
Origin: The eye belonged to a warlock, the jar belonged to a sea hag, the roller skate came from a Walmart…a Walmart from the future!!!
Rules: Thinks Lady Gaga tries too hard.
Description: The liquid in the jar tastes like minty falcon blood.
Last Seen: At the bottom of a hill in South Carolina.
Name: 80-year-old Anime Fan
Real Name: Fred
Powers: He has the power to wear up to 17 belts at one time. He also has the power to creep out anyone. Anyone!
Weaknesses: Mall security. Stairs. Anything that happens after 7 o’clock at night. People who “just don’t get it.”
Origin: At first everyone thought he was some sort of Benjamin Button man/child, but it turns out he just really digs Anime culture, particularly the erotic statues of young women kicking.
Rules: His bedroom is scary.
Description: He tends to make “hnnnn” noises without knowing it. Still not as scary as a Middle-Aged Twilight Fan.
Last Seen: Using his Social Security check to buy fingerless gloves and ridiculous boots that feature 14 buckles and 10 zippers.
Name: Spumky, the Pool Demon
Powers: Spumky is a patch of pool water that feels either slightly warmer or colder than the rest of the water. Upon contact with Spumky, you may become sick with a tongue rash, diarrhea, gonorrhea, pumpkin-rrhea, or spider-rrhea. The only known cure is true love and/or antibiotics.
Weaknesses: Ammonia, lava, the Elder Wand.
Origin: Pounds and pounds of invisible bacteria and filth float in every pool. When this filth is struck by lighting, it comes to life, and Spumky is born.
Rules: Don’t drink Spumky.
Description: Greenish-invisible.
Last Seen: Hanging out near the clump of hair and the floating Band Aid.
