A book’s opening line slaps the reader in the face and says, “You have no idea what you’re in for, dude.” A first sentence can make or break an entire novel. We’re all familiar with the classic, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, yadda, yadda, yadda.” But coming up with memorable opening sentences is difficult.

To my fellow writers out there staring at the blank screen, desperate for the perfect words to begin a novel, I offer the following opening lines. Use them. I ask nothing in return, except that you not, under any circumstance, alter or edit the sentence. The sentence must remain pure or else all meaning is lost. Enjoy.

• There comes a point in every Slurpee when the straw is useless and one must resort to digging.

• The wind chilled the summer air like Superman’s breath on lava.

• Florida is a place in America that is nice.

• “Balloons,” said Davia.

• A storm wasn’t coming.

• Faster than a bolt of lightning, Tiffany killed the opossum with a spoon.

• Sheep aren’t birds.

• The puppeteer went missing in the thick forests of Ninth Earth.

• Soup?

• Some will tell you that Jefferson died from a broken heart, but he really died because he tickled a wizard named Petey Howard.

• “Vroooooooom,” went the crazy lady.

• Since the accident, the man in the clear plastic shoes knew karate…somehow.

• Hats are stupid.

• It’s not easy raising three kids on your own, unless you have the power crystal.

• No one knows what it feels like to taste your own appendix, but me.

• There once was a lady who could do all kinds of neat crap.

• The flowers never bloomed because they were dumb.

• The Johnson File landed in the wrong hands and the only thing to do now was wait and hope no one wore denim.

• The moon is really a type of big space fish.

• “Gosh, I don’t know how we’re going to live through this Great Depression,” said the talking apple.

• The fingers I used to type this sentence are wet with my own saliva.

• Snow couldn’t cover the pain of never knowing your father, but at least school was canceled.

• A hand reached up through the ground, waved, and then went back to hell.

• The mountain loomed in the distance like a big thing that is far away but can almost be seen clearly.

• Shoelaces are just string, if you think about it.

• Paul was really Harry, and this will be important by the end of the book, so don’t forget it.

• I could jump over most children, if I had to.

• “Your girlfriend died because of quicksand and I’m going to be your new girlfriend,” she whispered.

• Help me, Mrs. Claus!

• The bitter taste of cheap wine slicked the inside of his mouth as Fluffy Sandwiches: The Outer Space Lion Tamer walked towards the funeral parlor.

• This is a book about ham.