The 2016 election is just a few thousand minutes away and it’s time to think carefully about which candidate the American people want to lead them into freedom. Having turned 35 this year, I am finally eligible to be president of the United States and I will be a good one.
I won’t bore you with my past accolades and experience, though it should be noted that I won third place in a swim meet, and I once touched James Cameron’s shoulder at a movie screening.
But I will list my campaign promises. These are not fantastical lies and empty oaths. These are truths. If elected president, this is what you can expect from me.
100. Moon colony.
99. 78% less spiders.
98. I will legalize running at the public pool.
97. Remove the letter N from Autumn.
96. Find new energy sources. (e.g. Harness the power generated by the spinning of the Wheel of Fortune)
95. Force J.K. Rowling to write a 3-year run of Batman comics.
94. Let’s see how long a baby giraffe’s neck would grow if unshackled by the chains of gravity.
93. Make Super Soaker guns look less like candy.
92. Escalator handles will be 7% less sticky.
91. Mars colony.
90. Everyone gets $100 but it must be spent on items found only in the checkout line of Target.
89. Reboot the Police Academy franchise starring Benedict Cumberbatch and Daniel Day Lewis.
88. If your parents named you after a fictional character, you get a 4% tax credit.
87. CHIPS ARE ALWAYS SERVED INSIDE THE SANDWICH! Not along side of the sandwich.
86. Ghostbuster 3 must be good.
85. Zip line from California to Hawaii.
84. Colonize Halloween Town. (Usurp current despot, Jack Skellington.)
83. Develope prescription strength Kit-Kats.
82. Make Rollerblades cool again, perhaps via a rap song.
81. Every June 8th, the first person to find the Obsidian Jackal amulet can make one law.
80. No more lines at amusement parks. (Everyone just signs a big list and then we’ll schedule you accordingly.)
79. Sun colony.
78. Everyone will have the same rights, except those on Rollerblades, who will have considerably more rights.
77. The next new color of M&Ms will be clear.
76. I will listen to an entire Sufjan Stevens album and see what all the fuss is about.
75. I will personally get a ladder and some bulbs and do something about all these stores with broken lights in their exterior signs!!!
74. France colony.
73. String will officially be referred to as either “Baby Rope” or “Fabric Worms.”
72. Shut Down Facebook and use the freed internet space to store the songs of Limp Bizkit in the highest fidelity possible.
71. Re-imagine Cookie Crisp cereal as a film written and directed by Quentin Tarantino.
70. Candy Crush Saga may only be played once a month. This will improve productivity in America and the added productivity will surely lead to cures for all diseases.
69. Let’s stop joking about the number 69. It’s not that funny. It was never that funny.
68. The new funny number will be 55, for reasons TBD.
67. If your car is loud, you’re not allowed to have children or own a yard.
66. We will all agree to forget that season 4 of Arrested Development happened.
65. When I take my shirt off, you can’t look!
64. A decrease of jealousy by 13% over four years.
63. Stop signs must be less mean.
62. Introduce thirty-five new characters to the Clue board game, including Dr. Honeyfroth (who is a werewolf), Lt. Randy (he can communicate with cheetahs), and Miss Licorice (who can sorta fly).
61. Oz colony.
60. Dentists are forbidden to ask you questions during an exam.
59. Decrease military funding. (Pssst. But not really. We just say that so our enemies think we don’t have enough tanks and stuff. And then they’ll be all like, “Hey…wait…is that a new tank?” And we’ll be all like, “Ka-BOOOOOOOOOM!” This military tactic is called: The Bergstein Ah-Hah! Shh.)
58. The next time Apple has a press conference, there’d better be an announcement about jetpacks and invisible phones. If the only thing they change is that the phone is now in zebra colors and mildly salty, then they’re all going to jail.
57. Send Air Bud and his prodigious offspring to handle any foreign crises.
56. Find a better way to pluralize the word “crisis” because “crises” doesn’t look right (perhaps “crisz” or “crisi-pi”).
55. Hahaha. 55!
54. Let’s turn oil back into dinosaurs!!!!!!!
53. Cloud leashes.
52. It will be illegal to post pictures and photo galleries of artistic cappuccino foam.
51. Add small ramps to bowling lanes.
50. Neptune is downgraded from a planet to a floating mountain.
49. If you tell your friends that Leonardo DiCaprio’s totem in Inception is really his wedding ring, you are placed on an FBI list of potential movie-snob assholes.
48. If you graduated from college more than 20 years ago, it will be illegal for you to care a great deal about college football.
47. Articulated joints for the Statue of Liberty.
46. Tell China that we have a unicorn, just to see what they’d do.
45. Educate and train caterpillars for covert missions. They can crawl into target areas, grab sensitive data or assassinate evil, turn into butterflies and soar way!
44. Self-heating cans of soup and Spaghetti-Ohs.
43. More sledding hills.
42. Become friends with Greenland, because Greenland seems lonely.
41. No. New. Dorito. Flavors. Until. We. Finish. Eating. The. Ones. We. Already. Have!!!!
40. Secrets found at Area 51 are to be made public…via shaky, hand-held video recorded in poor light and with scratchy sound.
39. Can’t we do something about parking problems at local festivals? With the help of the Navy SEALs, of course we can!!
38. Fist-sized grapes.
37. Their, there, and they’re will be replaced by one word: Thare.
36. Fridays don’t count. Nothing you do on Friday counts.
35. Women who wear big fluffy boots with yoga pants must submit a 1,000-word essay to the government on the topic of, “I gave up caring about how I look because _______.”
34. No more crime.
33. To battle obesity, carrot juice and hair will be added to all bottles of soda.
32. If we suspect a celebrity is pregnant, that celebrity must immediately appear before a government committee and affirm the pregnancy under oath, along with the baby’s sex and name. Failure to do so will result in imprisonment and/or wild Twitter speculation.
31. Let’s all agree that Hector is a pretty great name. Not enough people named Hector these days and I will raise these sad numbers by 2,000%.
30. New government holidays: Toyotathon, Halloween II, May the 4th Be With You, release date of any Marvel movie.
29. Outlaw the act of using “feels” as a noun.
28. If you send more than 1,000 texts to a crush or significant other, that person becomes your common-law spouse.
27. Clearly we can make hotdogs into any shape, so let’s stop making them look like penises and start making them look like lightning bolts or swords.
26. New Mexico to be renamed “Better Spain.”
25. More red Skittles in every pack!
24. Locate treasure.
23. Vice President: Kristen Wiig.
22. GPS voices must offer encouraging words when we drive. “Wow! That left turn you made was…in a word…epic!”
21. Let’s stop using “epic” so much.
20. Drinking fountains must always work!
19. Reopen the X-files, but hire more than just two agents to run it. Because I’m not an idiot.
18. The soda pooling beneath the grated basin of a soda fountain will be pumped back into the soda fountain and offered as discounted beverage called Wizard Rain.
17. Everyone over the age of 60 gets an official nickname created by a group of creative 5-year-olds.
16. Nebraska gets a castle.
15. To clean our rivers we will do…um…something…with science?…and nets.
14. Gas stations nozzles are too sexy and provocative. I will change this.
13. Clicking a pen more than three times is punishable by non-lethal injection.
12. We have too many crickets! What the hell is up with all the crickets? I’ll figure something out. Promise!
11. DVD and Blu-ray startup menus will be shorter by 37%.
10. You may only tell others about the dream you had last night if you can do it in less than five words and one of the words must be “sorry.”
9. Let’s see what happens if we mate an octopus with a spider.
8. Sell Arkansas to a wealthy, innovative biological engineer who dreams of one day cloning dinosaurs for the purposes of science and entertainment. .
7. Starbucks must add a whipped cream canister to their sugar/cream/napkin area.
6. If you ask nicely, and there is no immediate danger, firefighters must let you turn on the siren and try the fire hose and see what fire hose water tastes like.
5. Hoth colony.
4. If you don’t like something you see online, you must visit a different website (of which there are over 100!). If you still feel raw about it three years later, then, and only then, are you allowed to write an angry comment in that website’s comment section.
3. Change the lyrics to classic Christmas songs to make them hilarious and relevant to today’s pop-culture landscape.
2. Russia and China have to agree that we’re number one at sports and movies!!!
1. There will no longer be a difference between a tortoise and a turtle. Equality!
See you on the campaign trail!!!!