The Terrible Giant

The Terrible Giant
By Dan Bergstein

The terrible giant returned to his castle in the mountains and sat on his giant wooden throne next to his giant hound with its giant teeth.

The giant said to his giant wife, “I have been to every country, every nation, every town, every village. I have seen every animal, every person, every bug, and every tree. I have eaten every fruit and every vegetable and every grain. I have drank from every river and every lake and every pond. And I have slept beneath every star and every planet and every sky.”

“And what have you learned, my dear,” his wife asked.

The giant drank from his giant mug and wiped his giant face with his giant hand. Then he said:

“I met a small girl in a small village in a small country. She was no taller than my knee. And when she saw me she did not run and scream like all other children. ‘Why don’t you scream,’ I asked her. ‘Why should I scream,’ she answered. ‘Because I am tall and strong and mean,’ I yelled. She looked at me and said, ‘You are only tall because I am small. You are only strong because I am weak. And you are only mean because I am kind.'”

The giant walked to the window and looked out. His wife asked, “What happened to the girl?”

“I told the villagers to keep her safe at all costs,” said the giant. “I built her a new, safe home and gave her all of my gold. If anything terrible happens to her, if she is gone, then I am not tall, or strong, or mean.”

And the terrible giant took the chain leash of his giant hound and he and the hound walked out into the mountain fog.

Toy Fair, I Miss You

Toy Fair is happening right now and I’m not there! The New York Toy Fair is a huge convention at which toy companies large and small show off their latest and greatest items for the new year. Unlike ComiCon, Toy Fair is a closed event. To attend you either must be in the toy business or have press credentials.

Side Note: There’s something sad and wrong about an entire convention center and several neighboring buildings filled with toys that children are never allowed to touch, but…sucks to be kids.

I attended at least six Toy Fairs as an editor for Stuff Magazine and Maxim, and I loved it. At the time, magazines were still a big deal and so every major toy company was trying to woo me, hoping I’d cover their products in an upcoming issue. Not only did this mean tickets to Toy Fair, but they would send me free toys…lots of free toys. Cases of free toys. (Full disclosure: Though the other editors and I kept a few, most of the toys were happily donated to charity. I’m not greedy.) Continue reading

Hunt for the Wilderpeople: Review

It won’t win any Oscars and it won’t spawn a 12-part film franchise starring Hollywood’s most athletic actors. So why on Earth did anyone make Hunt for the Wilderpeople?

It’s a sweet and funny movie about a boy and his foster dad running from the law through the wilderness of New Zealand. The director, Taika Waititi, also directed the hilarious vampire mockumentary What We Do in the Shadows and helped bring Flight of the Conchords to life, and if you don’t like those two chunks of entertainment then we cannot be friends.

Hunt for the Wilderpeople is less silly than Shadows and Conchords, but it’s still funny. There’s more heart to it, thanks to a remarkable performance by the young Julian Dennison. It’s similar to Up, another movie about a grump guiding a chubby kid through wilderness, and for reasons I can’t quite explain, this movie has an 80s vibe — think Planes, Trains and Automobiles crossed with Adventures in Babysitting.

It’s a good movie. One of the best I’ve seen in a while. How good? I didn’t pick my phone up to check email during the entire film!

Taika Waititi’s next film is Thor: Ragnarok. I was bored with Thor 2: Loud Punches, but I’m curious to see what Waititi will do with Marvel’s eighth best character. Judging by the hilarious marketing campaign, it could be the best Thor movie possible.

And if you’re tired of super hero movies and bored by Oscar-contenders, don’t forget that there are still small, interesting comedies being made.

Hunt for the Wilderpeople is available now on DVD, BluRay and other magical movie systems.

There’s a Book Under My Bed


Ten years ago, I wrote a book. It’s under my bed.

It’s not a traditional novel and doesn’t fit well into any specific genre. It’s a little bit adventure story, parody, graphic novel, journal and random jokes all written long-hand (because it’s part graphic novel, remember) on sketch paper.

It’s about 100 to 150 pages, I think. And it’s not finished. In its current state, it’s more of a blueprint for a novel — a detailed outline of a something bigger and more robust.

I haven’t looked at it in about five years, maybe longer. Continue reading

My Lance is Free (But It’ll Cost Ya)

For the past eight months, I’ve been writing marketing content for a corporate client. It was interesting work and the people were very nice and professional. There was even a Starbucks in the building! I’m glad I took the gig. But it was a temporary project and it ends this week. Such is the life of a freelancer.

Now I’m free to do whatever the hell I want. And I don’t know what that is.

While I shove my resume around the internet and pitch stories to editors, I also want to reach out to see what other jobs and projects exist.

Do you know how many different jobs there are in the world? More than 100! And as much as I enjoy writing online content for media companies, I’m worried that I’ve been missing out on other types of work.

Hell, had I taken a slightly different career path, I could have been a professional puppet choreographer by now. But because I was never exposed to the world of puppet choreography, I never had the chance.

So I’m putting myself out there. I’m a professional writer and editor with fifteen years of experience. My fee is negotiable. My hours are flexible. And my mind is open.

I’d love to do something different and new. If you or someone you know is looking for creative talent, hit me up! Dan@PowerPencils.com

While I hunt for employment, I’ll still post daily stuff here on the website and you can always buy Power Pencils (until they sell out). Now…time to make some puppets dance.

Thanks!

Doug Climbs a Tree

Doug Climbs a Tree
By Dan Bergstein

Doug couldn’t climb trees. He tried and tried, but couldn’t do it. His arms were too weak, his legs too short and, above all else, he didn’t know how to climb a tree. No one taught him.

The other kids teased Doug. They said, “You’ll never climb a tree!” And then they would run and climb the nearest tree and shout and laugh from the top of the tree.

And Doug was sad. Continue reading

Coach’s Pep Talk

COACH: Listen up. There’s only one person who can take this team to the finals, and that’s me. I’m the guy who can do it. I say what needs to be said and I’ll do what needs to be done. We’re a strong team, but we could be great. And I’ll make this team great.

PLAYER: How coach?

COACH: First, let me remind you all that I am a very successful dentist. I’m the best dentist in the entire state. No contest. Everyone knows that I’m a great dentist. I have decades of dental experience and have won nine dental awards for dentistry, including the Golden Molar, which I brought with me. Pass this around. [Hands award to the players]

PLAYER: It’s heavy.

COACH: Do you have any idea how difficult it was to become coach? It wasn’t easy. Every day I was hounded by people saying, “You’ll never be coach,” or “You have no coaching experience!” Well, look at me now! I’m coaching my second game of college basketball–

PLAYER: Football, sir.

COACH: Football? Okay, good. That’s great. So here I am coaching my second game of football and no one thought I could do it. Everyone said I would fail. But I didn’t fail. And I did it all thanks to my supporters in the Athletics Department who offered me the job because they knew it was time for a change, and I was the person for the job. And know that I got the job because I’m great. It had nothing to do with my best friend sneaking into the office and stealing all the other job applications and resumes. He did that on his own. He just likes to steal applications. Nothing to do with me or how I got this job. And if you say otherwise, that’s slander or libel. You belong in prison. Besides, if the Athletics Department didn’t want the other applications stolen, they shouldn’t have stored them on a computer. Anything on a computer is free to the world. It’s called “the internet.” Look it up, chumps! Fair game. Continue reading