Chapter Six: Scary Stories
Better Title: Hi Julie!

It’s said that to successfully critique an employee, a manager should say something positive, then something negative, and then something else positive. It’s the criticism sandwich, and it helps present your idea in a less aggressive way, thus increasing the chance for real change.

Let’s give this a shot! Continue reading →

Chapter 5: Blood Type
Better Title: Pricks

I messed up in the last blog and referred to Beau as “her” and Edythe as “him.” I make mistakes but it’s also very confusing to read this book and keep all the pee-pees and vaginas in order. In my head, Beau is just Bella and Edythe just Edward.

So far, there hasn’t been much to distinguish Beau as a guy. A scene of him peeing out a campfire or saying, “I need to shave my man face,” may have helped my mind, but the bigger issue is that Meyer has written characters so utterly boring and one-dimensional that their personalities are as basic as mom jeans. Continue reading →

Chapter 4: Invitations
Better Title: The Beau of the Ball

Chapter 4 begins with a dream sequence. I’ve said it before, but I’ll say it again: I loathe dream sequences. They are terrible, wretched things. Remove them from any story and the story is 2,000% better. The only exceptional dream sequences exist in David Lynch movies because he’s the master and we must be thankful that his homeworld has lent him to Earth. (Also, the “dream” sequence from Rosemary’s Baby is good too.)

I hate dream sequences even when they’re in good stories, like Harry Potter. When dream sequences pop up in the bucket that is Twilight, it’s like the author is screaming, “Writing is hard. Here’s some crap I had trouble expressing. Also, you look stupid so I better yell the information in your stupid face. Byeeeee!”

Here’s a list of things I hate: Continue reading →

Chapter 3: Phenomenon
Better Title: He Said/She Said

“This is the chapter in which Beau nearly dies in a car crash, but is saved at the last minute by Super Edythe. It’s a short chapter, but it has filled me with questions regarding gender roles, and anger regarding stupid quote attribution words,” Dan wrote.

As a general rule, I hate any quote attribution that isn’t a simple “she said,” “he said,” “they said.” Mumbles and mutters aside, this book is filled with unnecessary quote attribution.

Examples from this chapter:

“Don’t move,” someone instructed.

“But it’s cold,” I complained.

“Be careful,” she warned as I struggled. Continue reading →

Have you ever watched a TV show or movie and in it someone is playing a videogame, but you know they’re playing the game completely wrong, moving the controller way too much and spastically slapping at the buttons like a hyper puppy? It’s terrible.

Such is the case with Life and Death. Stephenie Meyer has no clue what it’s like to be a teenage boy, and all she’s doing is moving the controller around and slapping the buttons and hoping no one will notice.

I notice. Continue reading →

Hi.

I wrote and rewrote the opening of this blog several times. There are versions of this in which I explained, in gory detail, what happened between my former employer and I. Versions in which I cried and wept over how things ended. And versions in which I called people terrible names and vowed vengeance for the way in which I was treated. There was also a version told exclusively in food emojis and one that was, it turned out, a word-for-word plagiarization of an episode of Full House.

But I deleted it all, and then emptied the digital trash can icon, partly because I’m taking the high-road, and partly because, sweet mother of God, I love the sound effect of that tiny digital trash can emptying.

So let me start by saying this: I have written of Twilight in the past. You can find these previous blogs with a simple Google search. Hell, the blogs are still still linked in this website…somewhere. My relationship with the former employer has soured well beyond the point of vinegar, all bridges nicely burnt to a crisp, and bygones are bygoned.

I tread carefully here for fear that an army of lawyers will attack me with spears and whips, so I hope you respect the reasons for which I must remain silent regarding…that place…the one where I once worked. It is a place I do not like.

But I love you! Always! I love you more than the sound the digital trash can makes when you empty it!!! And I’ve missed you!!! Look how tall we’ve all gotten! And is that a tattoo?

Point is, it’s time for a fresh start. And what better way to start fresh than by reading a rebooted version of the worst thing to happen to literature since I saw a kid puke on The Giving Tree in the doctor’s office waiting room. Continue reading →