Hi.

I wrote and rewrote the opening of this blog several times. There are versions of this in which I explained, in gory detail, what happened between my former employer and I. Versions in which I cried and wept over how things ended. And versions in which I called people terrible names and vowed vengeance for the way in which I was treated. There was also a version told exclusively in food emojis and one that was, it turned out, a word-for-word plagiarization of an episode of Full House.

But I deleted it all, and then emptied the digital trash can icon, partly because I’m taking the high-road, and partly because, sweet mother of God, I love the sound effect of that tiny digital trash can emptying.

So let me start by saying this: I have written of Twilight in the past. You can find these previous blogs with a simple Google search. Hell, the blogs are still still linked in this website…somewhere. My relationship with the former employer has soured well beyond the point of vinegar, all bridges nicely burnt to a crisp, and bygones are bygoned.

I tread carefully here for fear that an army of lawyers will attack me with spears and whips, so I hope you respect the reasons for which I must remain silent regarding…that place…the one where I once worked. It is a place I do not like.

But I love you! Always! I love you more than the sound the digital trash can makes when you empty it!!! And I’ve missed you!!! Look how tall we’ve all gotten! And is that a tattoo?

Point is, it’s time for a fresh start. And what better way to start fresh than by reading a rebooted version of the worst thing to happen to literature since I saw a kid puke on The Giving Tree in the doctor’s office waiting room.

I don’t like Twilight. I don’t like what it was, and I don’t like what it became. Thankfully, in the past few years, Twilight fandom has all but died out. Bookstores are more interested in the sexy fan-fiction version of the story, and even 50 Shades of Grey is cooling in popularity.

So it makes perfect sense that Stephenie Beulah Meyer (don’t know her real middle name, not gonna look it up) has taken another poke at the money tree with this brand new, 10th anniversary edition of Twilight.

For the record, after I conclude this blog series, I will be auctioning off all my copies of the books and donating all proceeds to charity. That’s the only way I can justify handing over even one dirty, green penny to the Meyer empire.

Good? Good! Let’s do this…

Life and Death is a retelling of Twilight with gender roles reversed. The idea of swapping genders in fiction is fascinating, and I’m all for discussions regarding how Indiana Jones would have acted had he been female or what a male version of Belle from Beauty and the Beast would have looked like, but to publish a whole book in which all you do is swap swimsuit areas seems too easy, cheap and desperate, like replacing the S in USA with a dollar sign and screaming, “Look! Look! It’s new and provokes thought!”

Maybe in ten years Meyer will release a version in which all the characters are African American or every character has a gluten allergy, but giving a broken fence a new coat of paint won’t fix the fence.

Had another writer decided to gender-swap their characters, I’d be less harsh. But we know Stephenie Meyer. We know what she does. Before I open to page one, I’m expecting to find a book that has all the thoughtful depth of a budget greeting card, but with even more glitter.

Prove me wrong, Stephenie Hercules Meyer. Prove me wrong…

This book is actually part of the 10th Anniversary edition of Twilight, and they come bound together. Life and Death is on the back, Twilight on the front.

And on page one, we find what I’ve always wanted — an apology!

However, the apology doesn’t end with, “…for writing wretched fiction.” Instead Meyer is apologizing for not finishing Midnight Sun. It must be hard to be a famous writer with a schedule so busy that in ten years all she has time for is clicking “Find/Replace” in Word and change “He” to “She.” How does she manage?

The intro also includes this wonderful sentence.

It might be the most honest and true thing Meyer has ever written. [Wipes tear away]

Meyer then explains how and why she changed character genders. She was tired of people saying Bella was a stereotypical damsel in distress and wanted to prove to the world that Bella wasn’t weak because she was woman, she was weak because…whatever.

According to Meyer, every major (and minor) character has been gender swapped, except for Charlie and Renee. Her reason is that custody laws often favor the mother, so it wouldn’t make sense for Bella to have been raised by her dad, especially a dad who’s flakey and dates baseball players.

So the story begins with Beaufort, yep — that’s his name, starting school in Forks.

Beaufort. Let it sink in. I’ll wait.

After the success of Twilight, there was a spike in newborn girls being named Isabella. Will that happen with Beaufort? No. Beaufort is a terrible name. I’m surprised Meyer didn’t name the character Bella-thew, or Boyella.

Beaufort prefers to be called Beau, which I know is pronounced “Bow,” but I always read it as a sound a funky cat would say after seeing a sexy girl cat. “Beeeowww!”

Most of the chapter (and I assume the entire book) is a word-for-word retelling of Twilight, so I won’t bore you with the details we all know. Here’s a quick reminder:

Beau gets a truck.
It rains a lot in Forks.
Beau is clumsy and pale.
Beau is super smart and has read all books.
Beau is introverted and quiet.
Everyone LOVES Beau.

One major difference is that Beau is very tall. Gender swaps and height differentials? What’s next? Will Beau now also…dare I say it…wear glasses and object to baby dating? It’s like reading a whole new book! (Sarcasm hand)

Ouch. That hurt my shoulder. Should have stretched first. It’s been a while.

One of the first characters we meet is good ol’ E-rock! Though he’s no longer Eric. Instead, this character’s name is Erica. CAN YOU EVEN HANDLE THIS?

E-rock-a is the first girl Beau meets. She’s a somewhat geeky girl with girl hair. (I think that’s more character development than Eric had in the original.)

Other new people are McKayla (formerly known as Marshmallow Mike), and Jeremy (formerly known as Anna Kendrick).

But who cares about them, when we all know this series of books will forget about these characters like you forget the cousins from Virginia who randomly “Like” your Facebook posts.

I wonder if this gender-swap version will continue to other Twilight books. If it does, how the hell would the wedding/pregnancy/birth events be told? Maybe instead of a baby, Beau will get a demonic kidney stone that must be passed through his waterworks. And then lady-Jacob will love the kidney stone? And the kidney stone will grow super fast and solve all problems? And it will be named Optimus Jay-Z!

Dear Santa, please let the happen. (And I want my own Slurpee machine, too. With Slurpee sauce.)

And then we meet her — the perfect lady-vampire. The one character who was the reason for buying this book. The one character I’ve wanted to see since Blogging Twilight: Part 1. Ladies and gentleman…

LADY EMMETT!

It’s real and it’s happening. (More on Lady E in a bit.)

Beau describes the vampires as being the usual perfetcty set of perfect perfects in all of Perfectland.

There’s boy-Alice, now called Archie. She/he’s the same…so far, but now with more penis powers, I presume.

There’s boy-Rosalie, who is named Royal, which sucks because The Royal Tenenbaums is one of my favorite movies and now it’s ruined thanks to this pretty-boy, all-star athlete hunk.

Plus now we have lady-Jasper, called Jessamine, which is something a toddler says while refusing to share her cowgirl Jessie doll.

And of course, lady-Edward who is now a beautiful girl named Edythe, which is spelled that way because Meyer wanted to spell it using only hieroglyphics of roses and thorns, but the printer say that’ll cost too much.

But back to Lady Emmett, now called Eleanor. She’s a giant woman of power and raw sexuality, the type of girl who could save all the days with strength and courage. Powerful enough to stop a bear, yet sensual enough to let you run your fingers through her hair as the two of you watch Robocop by the fire.

Where was I?

Oh yeah, Edythe is dumb. Edward was never the most masculine of characters, so turning him into a woman doesn’t stretch the imagination. It’d be more shocking if the Edward character was written as a woman who likes to party and have fun, and then he meets the Bella character and through her, he uncovers his sensitive side. I’m just spitballing here.

It’s very easy to turn Edward into Edythe in my head. I close my eyes, say “Bippity-boppity-boo,” and he has a vagina. Done.

Beau sees these beautiful creatures and describes their beauty as no 18-year-old man has ever described anything. Even with home team advantage, Meyer couldn’t write a realistic female protagonists, so asking her to write a realistic male character is like asking a dog for a cup of coffee. It’s just gonna roll over and show its belly.

This is clear in the cafeteria scene, but even more so a few pages earlier when Beau is describing his mom’s beauty. Teenage boys, no matter how much they love their mamma, do not spend any amount of paragraphs thinking things such as, “Her chin is pointy and her lips full.” And of her eyes, Beau tells us, “On her they’re child-like — so wide and pale blue.”

As a former 18-year-old guy, I’m an authority on this issue and will state before Congress that guys do not think like that.

Also, though I know this is a YA book, not once does Beau describe the boobs and butts of the perfect vampire clan. Hooray for not being a male-pig, I guess, but it seems disingenuous for a teenage boy to not MENTION the female anatomy when describing the most hottest girls he’s ever seen.

I’m not expecting Beau to say, “Them honkers be cray-cray!” or “I wish I was her chair,” but perhaps a gentle, “The curve of her body was a delicate letter S in an alphabet no language can capture.” Or something…(See how easy it is to write Twilight?)

Beau sits next to Edythe in biology, Edythe acts like jerk, and Beau is left wondering, “Dude? What’s her problem?” Only it takes several pages for Meyer to explain that scene.

Prediction
BEAU: My friends back home took me to a strip club.
JEREMY: What did you see there?
BEAU: There were tables and chairs.
JEREMY: And?
BEAU: The tables were black, black as night on a winter’s eve.
JEREMY: What about the girls? Were they hot?
BEAU: They had eyes, noses too.
JEREMY: Did you notice anything…else?
BEAU: I couldn’t help but notice one of the girls had earrings. Silver earrings. Like rain drops framing her head.
JEREMY: But…like…what about their bodies?
BEAU: One of the dancers had really perfect knees and shin bones that did not quit!
JEREMY: I guess it’s wrong to objectify women.
BEAU: This is a story of progressive sexual politics.
JEREMY: Good point, Beaufort.
LADY-QUIL: Did someone say “Boy Fort?” Know anyone who needs a babysitter? I’m starting my own babysitting company.

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