Name: Geppetto
Powers: Can create life when he whines about being lonely.
Weaknesses: Whales. Loneliness. Lava. Ethics.
Origin: After building a boy puppet that came to life, Geppetto said, “Hmm,” and then went about building “Fancy Dolores.”
Rules: The less you know, the better.
Description: He’s a lonely toy maker with splinters aplenty.
Last Seen: Buying wigs.
Name: Skelephant
Powers: Difficult to draw. Strong. Curious. Bones are held together by magical glue.
Weaknesses: The orb of power. The sphere of power. The power ball. The globe of wonder. The bad bubble of evil.
Origin: He was a normal circus elephant who accidentally ate a peanut-shaped leprechaun.
Rules: If you look at him with x-ray glasses, all you’d see is his soul.
Description: He rarely wears hats.
Name: Tip Top
Powers: The giant robot has great strength and low-level psychic powers.
Weaknesses: Unknown.
Origin: When you ask him where he’s from, he points to your own brain. But he might just be messing with you. He’s kind of creepy like that.
Rules: The purple button on his back does something…bad.
Description: His beeps and clicks have a distinct Dutch accent.
Last Seen: In the forest behind the school.
Name: The Tonsil-Less Horseman
Powers: He emerges from the fog to hunt his victims with his magical flaming pumpkin tonsil (which looks like a little pumpkin, but he swears it resembles an evil tonsil).
Weaknesses: Mockery, daylight, lava, swords, kicks to the shin.
Origin: The horseman had his tonsils ripped out by a cosmic space witch named Dr. Heather Kaufman.
Rules: His horse, Claire, drinks puppy blood.
Description: He is a caped phantom who does not have tonsils.
Last Seen: Buying a water noodle at a Target in Atlanta.
Name: The Pretz-Hell Snake
Powers: This tiny brown snake uses its unique camouflage to hide in bags of pretzels. The snake’s poisonous venom is strong enough to kill a chubby barber.
Weaknesses: Harpsichord music, daggers, witchcraft, vegetable dip, lava, heavy books.
Origin: The snakes were created after a little kid made a stupid wish at a Zoltar fortune-teller machine.
Rules: Don’t eat them. They hate that.
Description: The “salt” particles are actually eggs, and they are delicious.
Name: Big Bad Larry
Powers: Big Bad Larry has super strength and the ability to control fire, ice, wind, butterflies, birds, snakes, cotton, metal, wood, tigers, gophers, all single-celled organisms, and plastic with his mind. He eats necks.
Weaknesses: None.
Origin: He comes from the attic.
Rules: He hunts those who do not finish reading books. He only speaks in rhyme and he has never seen Star Wars.
Description: He has a blue lightning bolt tattoo on his arm. The tattoo glows red on Saturdays. No one is sure why that happens.
Name: The Tri-Clops
Powers: He has three eyes, or so he says. He might be lying about that. He tends to lie. He also claims to have met Will Smith at a Starbucks and now Will Smith is one of his Words with Friends contacts, but when you ask him to prove it, he gets weird and flips out.
Weaknesses: Questioning. Lava. Horse kicks.
Origin: According to him: He was born inside the eye of a hurricane on Friday the 13th. According to his mom Debbie: He came from South Carolina where he didn’t have many friends.
Rules: Don’t ask him about his third eye. He’ll flip out.
Description: He’s a tall guy who flips out all the time. Seems to have just two eyes. Sometimes hangs around with “Invisible” Kyle with whom he is forming an evil organization called “Team Ultra Skull” or “Team Spider” or “Skull Blood Lords of Murder Death.”
Name: Fire Jerks
Powers: They can extend an organic, bio-luminescent stalk from their head which looks and sounds like a firework. It even shoots out sparks. Humans are distracted by this faux-firework as the monster attacks. The monster eats the victim’s legs first to prolong the agony and because brains are considered dessert in their culture.
Weaknesses: Daylight, lava, pitchforks, regular forks, winter, cannonballs (the dive), cannonballs (the metal spheres).
Origin: They were created by scientists trying to brew synthetic milk.
Rules: They can’t talk, but they can sing.
Description: They still collect Beanie Babies.
Happy Fourth of July!
Name: “Invisible” Kyle
Real Name: Kyle
Powers: He believes that when his eyes are covered, he is invisible.
Weaknesses: Dogs, lava, cats, debunkers, weather, tickling.
Origin: He doesn’t have many friends.
Rules: If you say, “I can see you,” he will try to run so fast that you can’t see him. This rarely works.
Description: He never wears shorts, not even to play basketball.
Name: Tara the Goat Ranger
Real Name: Lisa Glades
Powers: None. She rides a goat, but anyone could do that. She also wields a four-bladed sword called “Justin,” but she’s not good at it.
Weaknesses: Mockery, lava, winds.
Origin: She talks about her origin all the time, but honestly I can’t remember it. Something about a prophecy and an ancient evil…maybe?
Rules: She hates it when you don’t take her seriously.
Description: She whines a lot.