Thanks to everyone who ordered Power Pencils this holiday season!

I have to run off to the post office and send out the last of the orders. I expect the line at the post office during lunch to be short and there will be happy people handing out free eggnog and cookies as every customer is treated to a back massage and a puppy! Yay! Post Office!

In today’s calendar we find… Continue reading →

Tonight you will be visited by the Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come, and this spirit will warn you of the terrible future that awaits if you do not order Power Pencils by midnight tonight.

Tonight is the deadline for Christmas delivery. If you’ve ever thought of giving the gift of magic, etched wooden pencils, this is your last chance!

Visit the Etsy store for more details!

In today’s calendar we get… Continue reading →

Growing up, we never put Christmas lights on the outside of our house. While inside, things were festive and bright, the exterior was always dark and dead. We were a Christmas geode.

In my defense, our house was half-Jewish and it was the 1980s, back when outdoor decorations meant a few strings of lights and maybe a light-up snowman. It’s only been in the last two decades that homes have gotten more and more luminous and balloominous, thanks in part, I suspect, to the Griswold house of National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation and the versatility of inflatable decorations.

I still don’t decorate outside, mostly because I’m lazy and because how can a few lights compete with neighbors who ignite the night’s sky with holiday cheer?

So instead of decorating my own yard, I feed off the sparkles of others.

Last night, we spent three hours looking at lights and I’m happy to report we saw at least six, maybe seven, Christmas dinosaur decorations. That gives me hope for this world.

Someone also decorated their street signs, which seems illegal to me but I’m not about to call the cops because someone’s Christmas oozed out too far.

Today in the calendar, we get… Continue reading →

I bet Santa hates the Polar Express. Here he is on the busiest day of the year and Tom Hanks comes along with a train filled with sugared-up tourists. Santa doesn’t need that right now! He needs to focus. He needs to get in the zone.

It’s like running up to Adele right before she goes on stage in front of the whole world and saying, “I didn’t like your music until right this minute because now I believe! Hey?! Hey!? Can I get a picture?! Can you call my mom and leave a message? What soap do you use?!? Can I have a bell?! A bell from Adele! Ha! Why you not laughing?”

Santa’s a good sport about it, but if you look closely, you can see him roll his eyes when the kid asks for bell. A bell? Come on, kid. Santa has real work to do. When the kid grows up and is working as a lawyer or something, I hope Santa comes during the kid’s busiest day and just hangs out asking questions and poking around the office.

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Dunkin Donuts has this holiday donut called “Frosted Sugar Cookie” and it’s disgusting but also delicious. Filled with a sugar slime that looks like gravy and topped with crumbs of…something…the donut seems to have been created by a a class of second graders who were told to make their own breakfast.

If you need your monthly dose of sugar in one easy-to-eat mound, then I recommend this donut. All the sugar is what Christmas is about!

In today’s calendar, we find… Continue reading →

As Disney buys up every media company, I’d like to state that I would never sell out Power Pencils to Disney. They cannot own my magic pencils or the wondrous instruction manuals that come with each pencil. Nope. I’m not in this for the money or the glory. I’m in this because I want to share magic pencils with a select few people. If EVERYONE had a magic pencil it would be a disaster — volcanoes spewing ice, dragons attacking time machines, everyone would have rocket bikes — it would be terrible.

As such, Power Pencils will remain an independent intellectual property created by me, myself and I. Disney could offer me $5,000 for the entire business, and I’d still say no! Not even for free tickets to Disney World or a real working lightsaber or even $6,000! Nope!

(However, if Disney would like to buy a few pencils for holiday presents, the shipping deadline for Christmas delivery is December 18th!)

Today the glorious calendar gives unto thee… Continue reading →

Is it me, or is this one of the best toy calendars I’ve opened? Even the dud days can bring forth Bird Thing and booze. And that last sentence only makes sense if you’re cool and have been reading these all month.

Today we get… Continue reading →

Fun Fact: “Baby It’s Cold Outside” won an Oscar in 1949 for best Best Song. It was in a movie called Neptune’s Daughter.

This is something you can use to sound smart at a Christmas party. To add emphasis to your wisdom, announce this fact while wearing a cape and then SWOOSH the cape and say, “And I say good day to you!” Then leave and go home and watch the Christmas episodes of The Office. Sound like a plan?

Good.

I have no idea what to expect form the calendar. Yesterday’s Worst Snowman was a dud, but maybe today’s item will put a smile on my face. Today we get… Continue reading →

People and media companies are making their Best of the Year lists, and I cannot understand why Twin Peaks: The Return isn’t winning every category from “Best TV Show” to “Best Sound of Electricity.”

Well, that’s not true. I do know why. The show was a slap in the face to traditional storytelling and many people thought it was frustrating and weird. But I loved it. And mark my words, in 50 years people will come around and discover the show’s greatness. And they will worship it. Because it’s that good! And then I will laugh from my home on the moon and say, “I told you so!” in my moon language.

So maybe the show won’t win any Golden Globes, and maybe if you mention it at Christmas dinner your uncle will hit your nose for bringing up such nonsense and then he’ll go back to misquoting a joke from a Three and a Half Men rerun. But just know that if you did love the show, you’re not alone. There are two of us.

Enough TV talk. What’s in today’s calendar! Something big? Something small? It’s… Continue reading →

Two weeks until Christmas! If you’d like magical pencils delivered to your door for the holidays, order Power Pencils today! Time is running out! So are the pencils!

The weather people said we’d get an inch of snow yesterday. We got 7.5 inches. If only there was a term to describe erroneous news information.

I’m not complaining. It certainly made everything look pretty and Christmas Card-y outside.

Behind today’s cardboard door we find… Continue reading →