Tag Archives: Movies
Dan’s 2016 Movie Awards
I haven’t seen many of the Oscar nominated films this year, but that doesn’t mean I can’t hand out awards for specific achievements.
Best Random Nudity: Viggo Mortensen, Captain Fantastic
Here’s a great movie about family and modern society and then WHAM, there’s Viggo sipping his morning coffee with his ding-dong on display. It’s a funny moment. And Viggo deserves the Oscar nomination this year for his modern-society-hating character. It’s also not the first time I’ve seen Viggo’s ding-dong — he showed it off during a tense fight scene in Eastern Promises, another film which earned Viggo an Oscar nomination. Seems like whenever Viggo let’s the little guy breath, he gets nominated for an award. That’s enough to boost any man’s ego.
Best “Wow” Moment: The airport fight, Captain America: Civil War
I never would have thought that of all the Marvel characters, the best movies would focus on Captain America, but with Civil War and Winter Soldier, it’s clear that the Cap movies are Marvel’s strongest. Part of the reason these movies worked so well is the writing — characters who feel real facing decisions with huge consequences. The other reason these movies work is that Ant-Man becomes Giant Man and it I lost my mind. Civil War isn’t just a great comic book movie, it’s a great action movie …that just happens to feature super heroes.
Most Average Movie: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story
There are great things about this movie and there are bad things about this movie. The end result is a so-so movie, most of which I’ve already forgotten. I wanted to love it, but then the finale was just a bunch of people flipping switches. It looked pretty, though. Continue reading
Oscar Prophecy
La La Land will sweep the awards this Sunday night, but there will be a few surprises including the best supporting actress winner (Viola Davis) and a moment early in the show when a presenter attempts to say, “And the nominees are,” but the words are (purposefully?) caught in his mouth, his tongue slips and the actor says, “Ann Die Nom-An Ize, Kar,” a summoning spell thought lost during the eighth age. And thus, Terrible Isaac appears — a being of capes and claws who cracks through the stage killing instantly the first row of the audience.
There will a rush to the exits as Terrible Isaac bounds from stage to balcony and perches upon a chandelier set high in the ceiling. He slowly devours the celebrity in his clawed hands with five snapping bites. As the blood rains, a young assistant in the 29th row, a baker’s daughter born in April, takes a picture of the horror, a picture that becomes the most shared and liked image of all the internet. But sadly, and despite the teaching of her master, her camera fails to capture the soul of the demon, who looks at her with hunger. Three of his ten arms flex and pull, ready to pounce from the theater’s heaven. Continue reading
The Problem With Spaceships
I’m two episodes into The Expanse, a SyFy show about space and pretty people. So far, it’s okay. It uses plenty of sci-fi cliches and tropes, but that’s to be expected. And I’m told it gets better. I’ll stick with it…for now.
Watching the show stirred up a recurring problem that most sci-fi space stories rarely deal with: Why are humans flying spaceships?
In the first episodes of The Expanse, it’s clear that drone technology exists and society as a whole seems far more technologically advanced than our current world. And yet ten minutes into the show there’s a gruff and tough human pilot taking the controls of a spaceship like its some sort of giant helicopter. That doesn’t make sense. Continue reading
Hunt for the Wilderpeople: Review
It won’t win any Oscars and it won’t spawn a 12-part film franchise starring Hollywood’s most athletic actors. So why on Earth did anyone make Hunt for the Wilderpeople?
It’s a sweet and funny movie about a boy and his foster dad running from the law through the wilderness of New Zealand. The director, Taika Waititi, also directed the hilarious vampire mockumentary What We Do in the Shadows and helped bring Flight of the Conchords to life, and if you don’t like those two chunks of entertainment then we cannot be friends.
Hunt for the Wilderpeople is less silly than Shadows and Conchords, but it’s still funny. There’s more heart to it, thanks to a remarkable performance by the young Julian Dennison. It’s similar to Up, another movie about a grump guiding a chubby kid through wilderness, and for reasons I can’t quite explain, this movie has an 80s vibe — think Planes, Trains and Automobiles crossed with Adventures in Babysitting.
It’s a good movie. One of the best I’ve seen in a while. How good? I didn’t pick my phone up to check email during the entire film!
Taika Waititi’s next film is Thor: Ragnarok. I was bored with Thor 2: Loud Punches, but I’m curious to see what Waititi will do with Marvel’s eighth best character. Judging by the hilarious marketing campaign, it could be the best Thor movie possible.
And if you’re tired of super hero movies and bored by Oscar-contenders, don’t forget that there are still small, interesting comedies being made.
Hunt for the Wilderpeople is available now on DVD, BluRay and other magical movie systems.
Daily Transmission #31: The Last Jedi Opening Title Crawl (LEAKED!)
We have the title for the next Star Wars movie and now we know how the movie will start! This is the opening crawl of the movie. We have confirmed it 100%! Please share now before Disney takes it down! (Full text below the images.)
Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi
The galaxy is a mess. It’s a mess. It’s an all the way mess. The First Order has begun preparations on a new planet-sized weapon called The Kill Cannon. Meanwhile, the Resistance is very sad most of the time despite the fact that they have cool spaceships and laser guns. It’s like…what more do you want?
Anyway, Rey has handed the lightsaber to Luke, and Luke gave her a cryptic frown as if he tasted beer for the first time in front of cool guys and doesn’t want them to know he thinks it tastes bad.
Rey and Luke then talked for a bit. Luke asked, “Did you see my robot hand?” And Rey didn’t seem that interested. And Luke said, “Want me to build you one?” And Rey said her hands were fine, and that pissed Luke off for some reason. And he made her do all these chores for no real reason!
Meanwhile, Poe found the missing locket that, when placed inside The Kill Cannon’s engine core, will make everything go BLAST-O! And Finn’s okay, but…well, you’ll see.
So now sit back and get ready! Because here comes the first part of the movie! There’s going to be a whooshing shot of spaceships! Oh, and Lando’s in this one! Don’t tell anyone. It’s a secret. This part of the song is the best…duh, duh, duh daaah! DAH! Duuuh! DAAAAH!
Daily Transmission #9: Another Online Opinion About “La La Land”
La La Land is a fun movie. The 8,000 online articles and Tweets about the movie and “the return of musicals” and how “the country really needs this right now” are not so fun. Shut up. Stop talking about this movie as if it’s Hamilton 2. Why are so many people falling over themselves to praise La La Land?
It’s just a fun movie. There were many fun movies this year. There are many fun musicals in the universe. Why is this one placed on such a high pedestal? And remember — I liked the movie. It’s not a bad movie. It’s a fun movie.
I would have enjoyed La La Land even more if I didn’t go into the theater expecting the most amazing piece of cinema since Edison first captured moving images with chemicals. There’s a level of hype around La La Land that is impossible to live up to. It seems movie bloggers and critics want La La Land to be a perfect, amazing thing and hope to make it so by will and word count alone.
La La Land is not the greatest artistic achievement of the new millennia. It is a good, fun movie. I’m glad I saw it. I might see it again in a few years.
But come on…it’s not like this is Jesus Christ Superstar. JCS was a movie worthy of hype. JCS is a pop-art masterpiece. JCS is my favorite movie musical.
In Middle School, my summer job was mowing lawns — or rather, mowing lawn. I mowed one lawn. It was the lawn of a family friend who took pity on my lack of employment and offered me $20 a week to mow the lawn. To pass the time (because how could a Middle School kid ever get anything done without rockin’ tunes?) I would listen to rockin’ tunes on my budget walkman at max volume while mowing the lawn. This was before I had a CD walkman and in a decade when “iPod” was how toddlers asked to use the bathroom, so I could only listen to cassettes. The Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack (film soundtrack, not Broadway) was in my walkman for most of the summer. I had it memorized. I wore the tape out. I loved it. I still love it. I still know most of the words.
If you haven’t seen the movie/stage show Jesus Christ Superstar, here’s the best way I can describe it: Hippies out hippy themselves with their hippiness.
It’s goofy and corny. The acting is over-the-top terrible and the songs sound like they were written by theater kids who stayed after rehearsal to mess around with the piano until their parents pick them up. The anachronistic use of modern weapons and clothes is so forced it hurts the brain. And the “twist” ending is laughable. But it works. It all works so well! It works much better than it should!
It’s a movie of its time. And that’s okay.
No one would make a Jesus Christ Superstar movie today, or if they did, it would be too bland and boring, without any of the heart or sincerity of the 1973 film. They’d get Armie Hammer to play Jesus and Olivia Munn to play Mary Magdalene. Terrence Howard would turn the soulful, complicated Judas into a stale loaf of a character. Seth Rogen would be added as a disciple for unneeded comic relief. There would be big budget special effects and soft makeup that would hide the sweat and grit on the faces of the actors. And a new song and scene set in China would be added to get those precious Chinese movie dollars. It would be too safe.
The 1973 movie was not nominated for best picture (though a few actors received Golden Globe noms). It did not light the world on fire with its box office take of $24 million. It’s remembered more for being controversial (Jesus…singing?!?) than for its music or staging. But it was weird and wild and unlike anything else. And it existed. It actually happened.
That’s why it’s my favorite movie musical.
La La Land is okay, too.
Daily Transmission #6: My Pitch For Cars 3
There have been a few teaser trailers for Disney/Pixar’s Cars 3. It looks like it’ll be a darker movie.
I liked the first Cars and cannot remember anything at all about Cars 2.
Here is my pitch for Cars 3, a darker story for a darker time.
The film opens with Lightning McQueen racing around a track and being cocky. And then he crashes. We’ve seen this in the teaser trailer, so I’m sticking with it.
Here’s the twist: McQueen dies. He’s dead. His car isn’t alive anymore.
The car parts are disassembled and recycled as a sad folk song plays. Everyone in the theater is crying. At the recycling plant, we see the metal and plastic of his body being melted down and formed into new material. The recycled metal is made into screws.
We then see a bunch of recycled screws being juggled down an assembly line. We follow a few screws closely, screws we know were once part of Lightning McQueen. Where are they going? The screws are packed up and shipped out. The folk song hits a very low note. Is this the end? Screen goes black as shipping truck door slams.
The door opens. There’s a bright light. The folk song hits a happier chord. Something is happening. But what? The boxes of screws are poured into sorting machines. We follow the same four screws. More assembly lines. More music. Look at the detail on these machines! Pixar loves detail!
And then the screws are picked up and placed into…something.
Camera pulls back. It’s a Buzz Lightyear doll. A new one. With new screws…screws that were once Lightning McQueen’s flesh and bones.
The doll is stiff at first.
When it’s alone in the box, its eyes blink and he looks around. McQueen’s voice speaks, “What? What is going on?”
Cars 3 logo appears on the screen.
Rest of the movie is Lightning McQueen in a Buzz Lightyear body grappling with questions such as: Where did the cars from Cars come from? Do Cars have babies? Is there a Car god? Who makes the toys?
Film ends with Lightning McQueen Lightyear crucified for asking difficult questions. He looks directly at the camera before dying and whispers, “You.”
Also, there’s a big chase scene in a mall parking lot on Black Friday. It’s fun!
Daily Transmission #5: Must-See Movies of 2017
Pop the corn and get ready! Here are the best films to see in 2017.
Star Wars Episode VIII: Force It
Who are Rey’s parents? What does the Force taste like? Does Luke have secrets? What is BB-8’s origin story? What are the names of every stormtrooper? Where on the sexuality spectrum does Boba Fett live? Can Yoda be in this one? How about two Death Stars at the same damn time!? Is Kylo Ren a ghost? All will be answered!
Back to the Future: Rise of Time
In this all-female reboot, teenager Martha McFly must travel back to 1985 to make sure her parents fall in love at prom. 80s references galore! The movie exists outside of the original movie, and yet there are references to the original movie so that audiences will be left confused. The trailer gives away the only funny joke, which is about Donald Trump being president in 2017.
Untitled PG-13 Movie Starring The Rock
The Rock plays Craig or maybe Eli — a cop (or dentist? or renegade soldier?) who tilts his head often and says, “Not today, bub.” Plot involves jumping/falling from helicopters and a car flips over. Soundtrack relies heavily on 80s pop rock, though the trailer makes great use of “Who Let the Dogs Out.” Kevin Hart is there, also. Movie is somehow based on an old TV show that everyone vaguely remembers. (Not sure what show yet. Doesn’t really matter. Whatever’s available. Maybe China Beach, or Northern Exposure?)
Daily Transmission #4: Interviewing David Lynch
Celebrity interviews are rarely good. This is not the fault of the writer, or the interview subject. The very concept is flawed. There are only so many ways you can ask, “Tell me about your latest project,” and only so many ways a celebrity can answer.
It’s like asking, “What’s the capital of Pennsylvania?” The answer will be Harrisburg, or, if the interview subject is quite clever, “Not Miami.” You can’t ask for the capital of Pennsylvania and expect the interview subject to explain their thoughts on the human condition. There’s just not much meat in the question, or the format.
Ask a celebrity about their latest project and they will spit out the one sentence, well-rehearsed answer which will lead to a stale anecdote about something mildly funny that happened on the set of the new movie.
And the interview ends.
It’s the nature of the beast. That’s how quick, celebrity interviews are handled. (Spoiler Alert: It’s all marketing, and if you needed me to tell you that, deduct 100 points from your final score.)
I’ve interviewed between 50 and 1,000,000 people for stories during my career. I can’t keep track of them all. They happen fast and are forgotten seconds after the story is published. Continue reading






