Oscar Prophecy*
La La Land will sweep the awards this Sunday night, but there will be a few surprises including the best supporting actress winner (Viola Davis) and a moment early in the show when a presenter attempts to say, “And the nominees are,” but the words are (purposefully?) caught in his mouth, his tongue slips and the actor says, “Ann Die Nom-An Ize, Kar,” a summoning spell thought lost during the eighth age. And thus, Terrible Isaac appears — a being of capes and claws who cracks through the stage killing instantly the first row of the audience.
There will a rush to the exits as Terrible Isaac bounds from stage to balcony and perches upon a chandelier set high in the ceiling. He slowly devours the celebrity in his clawed hands with five snapping bites. As the blood rains, a young assistant in the 29th row, a baker’s daughter born in April, takes a picture of the horror, a picture that becomes the most shared and liked image of all the internet. But sadly, and despite the teaching of her master, her camera fails to capture the soul of the demon, who looks at her with hunger. Three of his ten arms flex and pull, ready to pounce from the theater’s heaven.
But lo, there in the audience, amidst the nominees for best sound editing, will sit nine women…nine witches — the Nine Witches of Hazz. These sisters have attended the ceremony year after year, feeding on the egos of the pretenders (actors), as is their way. But now, faced with Terrible Issac, they will recall their vow made centuries ago atop the lunar hill: Never Be Slave, Never Be Wife/Always Seek Wisdom, Always Save Life.
The Nine Witches of Hazz shall rise from their seats and float to the ceiling, as even the visual effects nominees whisper, “But how….”
The witches will launch lightning and fire at the creature as it races and rages through the auditorium, upturning chairs and wealthy people. Terrible Isaac will then grab the youngest witch by the throat and carry her to center stage.
“You’ll never win,” Isaac will scream. “Come closer and I shall shred her throat! You are no match for me! You will never defeat me! I am the Hell-Star of Jakee, the Cloven Brother of Vayt! I am the Mad King of Evernight and I wear the Ring of Stones, taken from the hand of the Ice God in the –”
But the witches will not listen. They float to the orchestra pit and began to play “The Song of Ending,” a forbidden tune without mercy that forces all speakers to abandon their proclamation and leave the light.
Hearing the song, Isaac shall release the throat of the young witch and flee stage left, leaving behind smoke and blood. And the witches follow.
There will be a battle, then a war. Only the first minutes are visible on Earth as the fight continues past reality into realms of dream and glass.
The theater will settle. The audience returns. The show goes on.
A joke about Donald Trump’s hair receives mild, polite laughter and Moonlight wins Best Adapted Screenplay.
*Translated from the ancient scroll of Wooden-Holly.