Tag Archives: Writing Tips

Daily Transmission #4: Interviewing David Lynch

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Celebrity interviews are rarely good. This is not the fault of the writer, or the interview subject. The very concept is flawed. There are only so many ways you can ask, “Tell me about your latest project,” and only so many ways a celebrity can answer.

It’s like asking, “What’s the capital of Pennsylvania?” The answer will be Harrisburg, or, if the interview subject is quite clever, “Not Miami.” You can’t ask for the capital of Pennsylvania and expect the interview subject to explain their thoughts on the human condition. There’s just not much meat in the question, or the format.

Ask a celebrity about their latest project and they will spit out the one sentence, well-rehearsed answer which will lead to a stale anecdote about something mildly funny that happened on the set of the new movie.

And the interview ends.

It’s the nature of the beast. That’s how quick, celebrity interviews are handled. (Spoiler Alert: It’s all marketing, and if you needed me to tell you that, deduct 100 points from your final score.)

I’ve interviewed between 50 and 1,000,000 people for stories during my career. I can’t keep track of them all. They happen fast and are forgotten seconds after the story is published. Continue reading →

Freelance Writing Tip #355

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No matter how many times you pitch your editor the story, “Opossums Are Probably Dogs That A Witch Cursed,” the editor won’t assign it until you get an actual quote, and quoting yourself, even if you use an Irish accent, apparently does not count as a primary source…even if you totally know the truth about opossums.Possum

The Time I Joined a Writing Group

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Writing is a lonely, lonely job. Unless you’re fortunate enough to have a staff position at a media company, a writer will spend their working hours in a bubble of solitude. It’s possible and likely that a writer will spend days or decades without conversing with other human beings unless saying, “Number one, with cheese,” counts as conversation.

One possible solution to the loneliness is to join a writer’s group, where like-minded word artists can meet and discuss the work and passion of writing. Such groups will help inspire, motivate, and blow away the cobwebs of a lonely writer’s mind! Or so I thought.

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In a Small Room on a Warm October Day, Dan Bergstein Writes This Sentence

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There seems to be only three ways to start a magazine feature story. They all begin the same. And if you combine the first sentences from articles in any issue of Rolling Stone, you can create a weird, nightmarish tale. Here’s an example. Each sentence comes from the first line of an article in the October 13, 2011 issue of Rolling Stone.

It’s near midnight, and I’m holed up in a rickety hotel in Proserpine, a whistle-stop town on the north-east coast of Australia.

On a leafy corner lot in L.A.’s Laurel Canyon, in a three-bedroom house that used to belong to Rob Lowe, Tom Morello is showing off the Marshall amp he’s used for 22 years.

“You have to feel it,” Lou Reed says with a hard look at Metallica singer-guitarist James Hetfield. Five hours before Blink-182 take the stage in Saratoga Springs, New York, drummer Travis Barker is stuffing his face with broccoli and fake meat in his dressing room. A few days before his 85th birthday, Tony Bennett stands next to Lady Gaga in a midtown New York studio, working up a duet on Rodgers and Hart’s “The Lady Is a Tramp.”

Wrapped in a hotel bathrobe and sipping red wine, Leslie Feist brandishes a tiger finger puppet and makes it say, “Hi, I am Fraulein Forever Jet-Lagged!”

In Capitol Records’ giant Studio A in Los Angeles this summer, the surviving members of the Beach Boys – Brian Wilson, Mike Love, Al Jardine, and Bruce Johnston- gathered around a microphone and, for the first time in two decades, harmonized on a track.

Peter Gabriel set a strict rule for his 2010 world tour: no guitars or drums.

The End

Writing Lesson #4: Outlining Your Novel

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Writing a novel is tough work, but an outline can help you stay focused. Before getting flustered with dialogue and plot, it’s important to create a basic roadmap for the story. I don’t have all the pieces figure out for my new novel “Night Place” but I spent most of the week coming up with the following outline of what I want to accomplish with each chapter. Here is the only way you should ever outline a novel. (Spoiler alerts galore!)

See the exciting conclusion after the jump.

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Writing Lesson #3: Choosing a Point of View

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It’s important to establish the point of view of your story. Before typing the first word, you must identify who’s telling the story and how. Will your story be told by a man? A woman? A sexless beast named The Un-Thing? Maybe a cat is telling your story? Or a really smart pen. The possibilities are endless, and by endless, that means you have about ten options.  Let’s examine the use of each POV type.

First Person Narrative

If you’re writing about a sad woman trying to find herself in this crazy world, you’ll need to use a first person point of view. In first person storytelling, the events are explained through the thoughts of the main character, sometimes named Beatrice. It’s an easy way to clarify your main character’s feelings and motivations. Use this point of view if you want to keep something hidden from the reader and the main character. Here’s an example:

My name is Beatrice and I’m sad because I need to find myself. I sure hope my best friend isn’t evil.

And then in the last chapter, we’d learn that the friend was, indeed, evil. How shocking, right?

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Writing Lesson #2: Creative Writing Exercises

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Last week, we focused on creating the best opening sentence for your novel. Before moving on to the second or third sentence, let’s stop and workout our writing muscles. These fun exercises will help get the creative juices flowing and prevent possible thought-cramps during the writing process.

Failure to exercise one’s imagination and grammar results in shoddy writing and eventual liver disease. Many writers spend thousands of dollars on writing courses and workshops to help train their brains. I’m offering this exercise routine free of charge. Simply print this out, tape it to your workstation or trophy case, and perform seven of the following assignments each day. This will keep you focused and in peak writing condition.

  • Write a sentence which begins with “Meryl Streep” and ends with “horse eggs.”
  • Conduct a Google image search for the term “scissors” and write a 7,000 word story based on the fourth image you find. The story should rhyme occasionally.
  • Sum up the meaning of life using only three words and one of the words must be “jellybean.”
  • Write a conversation between two chefs who are in love. One of the chefs is currently married to another man, and the other chef can only say the word “walrus.”
  • Finish this sentence: I would dig up the corpse of Benjamin Franklin and desecrate his grave because…
  • Begin this sentence: …but that’s why we have toes.
  • How would a Dutchman describe your room? Write a report of your room from the Dutchman’s point of view. The Dutchman’s name is Dennis.
  • Stream of Consciousness Writing: Sit at your computer and begin writing. Do not leave your computer for three hours. Without rereading your work, submit the unedited work to every major magazine, newspaper, and book publisher. Wait for success to find you.
  • Stream of Conscience Writing: Write about a small river that always does the right thing.
  • What would happen if pies didn’t have crusts? Explore this topic in a two-act play called “Flowers of Midwinter.”
  • Using only the titles of Beatles songs, explain why it’s important to recycle and where babies come from.
  • Write a new ending to Forrest Gump which involves sorcery.
  • Think up new names for the primary colors and every type of tree.
  • Write your own obituary, beginning each sentence with “However.”
  • A magical genie grants you three wishes, but the genie is a racist who is very mean to animals and the elderly. Would you still accept the wishes? You cannot wish for the genie to be tolerant of other races and kind towards animals and old people. Use this as the starting point for a haiku.
  • Create a scene in which two people go on a first date. Do not use the word “windmill.”
  • Write a novel.
  • Explain your height using sounds.

Tune in next time, and remember: Great writing is a thing that is good and nice!

Writing Lesson #1: Great Opening Lines

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A book’s opening line slaps the reader in the face and says, “You have no idea what you’re in for, dude.” A first sentence can make or break an entire novel. We’re all familiar with the classic, “It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, yadda, yadda, yadda.” But coming up with memorable opening sentences is difficult.

To my fellow writers out there staring at the blank screen, desperate for the perfect words to begin a novel, I offer the following opening lines. Use them. I ask nothing in return, except that you not, under any circumstance, alter or edit the sentence. The sentence must remain pure or else all meaning is lost. Enjoy.

  • There comes a point in every Slurpee when the straw is useless and one must resort to digging.
  • The wind chilled the summer air like Superman’s breath on lava.
  • Florida is a place in America that is nice.
  • “Balloons,” said Davia.
  • A storm wasn’t coming.
  • Faster than a bolt of lightning, Tiffany killed the opossum with a spoon.
  • Sheep aren’t birds.
  • The puppeteer went missing in the thick forests of Ninth Earth.
  • Soup?
  • Some will tell you that Jefferson died from a broken heart, but he really died because he tickled a wizard named Petey Howard.
  • “Vroooooooom,” went the crazy lady.
  • Since the accident, the man in the clear plastic shoes knew karate…somehow.
  • Hats are stupid.
  • It’s not easy raising three kids on your own, unless you have the power crystal.
  • No one knows what it feels like to taste your own appendix, but me.
  • There once was a lady who could do all kinds of neat crap.
  • The flowers never bloomed because they were dumb.
  • The Johnson File landed in the wrong hands and the only thing to do now was wait and hope no one wore denim.
  • The moon is really a type of big space fish.
  • “Gosh, I don’t know how we’re going to live through this Great Depression,” said the talking apple.
  • The fingers I used to type this sentence are wet with my own saliva.
  • Snow couldn’t cover the pain of never knowing your father, but at least school was canceled.
  • A hand reached up through the ground, waved, and then went back to hell.
  • The mountain loomed in the distance like a big thing that is far away but can almost be seen clearly.
  • Shoelaces are just string, if you think about it.
  • Paul was really Harry, and this will be important by the end of the book, so don’t forget it.
  • I could jump over most children, if I had to.
  • “Your girlfriend died because of quicksand and I’m going to be your new girlfriend,” she whispered.
  • Help me, Mrs. Claus!
  • The bitter taste of cheap wine slicked the inside of his mouth as Fluffy Sandwiches: The Outer Space Lion Tamer walked towards the funeral parlor.
  • This is a book about ham.