My best friend Todd sent my a gift bag filled with fantastic items for my birthday. I’m a little late in writing this up because with hurricanes, floods, and an overall feeling that world will end in a fury of muddy water, writing about my b-day seemed unimportant. Now that we all survived and are wearing dry socks, we can focus on happy things.
Read below to see one of the best gifts a man could get.
Name: Man Who Fails to Recognize that Sports Fanaticism is Equivalent to Nerd Culture
Powers: Loud. Knows many names.
Weaknesses: Logic, imagination, lava, other teams, cheetahs.
Origin: This monster roams the countryside promoting his favorite teams and mocking nerds, not knowing that he, himself, is a big ol’ nerd. His nerd habits include:
Dressing up
Buying merchandise
Studying the mythology (or statistics)
Creating fan-fiction and predicting the various outcomes with friends
Being emotionally invested in the events of powerful warriors
Rules: When asked why, specifically, he supports a certain team, he will become enraged and will try to bite your face. This is a confusion reflex. There is no answer to that question.
Description: He cannot glow in the dark.
Last Seen: Falling asleep during the big game he anticipated all week.
Name: Hammerhead Pony
Powers: Razor sharp teeth, keen sense of direction, can manipulate calcium, good at head-butting, razor sharp intestines.
Weaknesses: Lava, children who eat bread crust, hammerhead bears.
Origin: The hammerhead pony is the terrible steed ridden by the devil himself. And when the devil’s not using it, the devil’s cousin Fran takes care of it. Fran doesn’t mind. She likes helping out.
Rules: The beast will devour any child who doesn’t eat bread crusts.
Description: Lousy singer.
Last seen: Walking out of Crazy, Stupid, Love and looking disappointed.
The trees are still green and the air is still warm, so what better time to have a Christmas contest?
I’m giving away one brand new 2011 Lego Advent Calendar, and you could be the lucky winner!
Last year I opened my very first Lego Advent Calendar and wrote about each day’s item. (Click here to witness the birth of fun.) It was a glorious time and I had so much fun with the box of happiness that this year I’m buying two calendars: One for me and one for (possibly) you.
There was some debate this year if I was going to buy the standard Lego City Advent Calendar, or the new fancy Star Wars Lego Calendar. I’m sticking with the City set because the Star Wars set is double the price of the standard set and looks weak. Besides Santa Yoda, the rest of the items seem kind of…eh.
I much prefer the goofy and silly Lego City items, especially when the items are average, everyday things like sausage and extra sausage. Because I will be opening the Lego City set, that’s also the set I’m giving away. Sorry, Star Wars fans.
The contest is being held now because the Lego Advent Calendars are becoming more and more popular and there’s a very real chance that they will sell out by November. Plus, with shipping and whatnot, I want to make sure the winner receives the item before December so they can stare at the box every day with the same maddening anticipation that I feel. Actually, I hide the box from my eyes to avoid possible spoilers depicted in the box art, and I advise the winner to do the same.
To enter the contest, you must take the following Laser Farm pop quiz and score a 100%.
All answers can be found somewhere on this very webzone. Some are easy to find, some will take more digging. Most questions, but not all, pertain to last year’s Lego Advent Calendar blog posts. There are specific answers to the questions. Only those who answer all questions correctly will be officially entered to win. A random winner will be chosen from the correct entries next Tuesday.
Send your answers to LaserFarmContest@gmail.com
Questions:
1. On the final list of Lego items, what item did I rank sixth overall?
2. What is Sword Boy’s full name?
3. The Christmas character Tootles has a catchphrase. What is the catchphrase and which celebrity do I want to play Tootles in the movie?
4. What does the Dairy Elf have instead of arms?
5. Sword Boy stood on the werewolf. Why did he do this?
6. What two items does Thaddeus (probably) keep in his briefcase?
7. What name appeared third on Santa’s nice list?
8. What did Sword Boy turn into after using a magical mystery item?
9. Beneath the Christmas tree in my room last year, a certain celebrity was dressed as Santa. Who is the celebrity?
10. What superhero does Cat Girl turn into?
The contest is open to anyone living in the contiguous United States. (Apologies to the citizens of Hawaii, Alaska, and Neptune.) The contest ends next Monday, September 12th at midnight (EST). The random winner will be notified via email. The winner will have 24 hours to reply to the notification and send me their address, or else I’m picking a new winner. Stay alert.
The prize will be sent directly to the winner from an online retailer.
If you are under the age of 18, please ask your parents for permission before entering.
Only one entry per person will be accepted.
This contest is not sponsored by or affiliated with any company or organization.
Good luck!
Name: Steve (Pluto’s older brother)
Powers: Though he often picks on his brother, he will defend his younger sibling, often violently.
Weaknesses: Scientific facts, the sun, the cops.
Origin: One day he saw his little brother crying at the park. He was about to call Pluto a baby, but then Pluto whined, “The people of Earth say I’m not a planet anymore.” Steve was enraged. Sure, he likes to make fun of his little brother, but it’s OK because they’re brothers. It’s not cool if someone else does it. So Steve asked Pluto where Earth was hanging out, and then sped off looking for revenge.
Rules: Steve was a planet until he was caught smoking weed outside the library. He’s been downgraded to a “Hooligan Orb.”
Description: Planet-like object that acts tough.
Last Seen: Throwing eggs at Saturn.
I was born in August, which means my birthday is not surrounded by official holidays or lost in the treacherous time frame of November – January. August birthdays are fun because there is nothing else to celebrate and expectations are low. An August birthday party may consist of a crackers and a flashlight and it would still be a successful party because there is nothing else to do in August.
This year’s birthday was spectacular, but I won’t bore you with the details. Instead, I will bore you with my presents – my wonderful, wonderful presents! It will take a few blog posts to get through all the goodies, but it will be worth.
I’m starting things off with a showstopper that was a gift to myself.
Name: Ghost of Yogurt
Powers: Yogurt is a living thing (technically) and when you eat it, you murder it. The spirits of the yogurt cultures return to seek vengeance.
Weaknesses: Power crystals, lava, special gloves.
Origin: You caused this. It’s all your fault!
Rules: It’s far too late to beg for mercy.
Description: A shadowy ghost that tastes like mixed berry.
Last Seen: Behind you.
Name: Bucket of Hair
Powers: Unknown. Can make a person say, “What the hell is that? A bucket of hair? Gross.”
Weaknesses: Unknown. Resistant to being poked with a stick.
Origin: Mike found it in the woods behind the 7-11.
Rules: Unknown. Poking it with a stick produced no results.
Description: Bucket filled with hair.
Last Seen: Out in the woods behind 7-11.
Name: Anti-Giraffe
Powers: It is smaller and lacks the long neck of a normal giraffe. As such, it’s sneakier and it’s venom is more potent.
Weaknesses: Poachers, lava, the crimson diamonds of Mars.
Origin: There’s a chance it’s just a strange, yellow cow.
Rules: It hasn’t seen The Wire yet, so don’t spoil it!
Description: Strange, yellow cow. Because I forgot to draw the ground, I guess the Anti-Giraffe can also hover in the air.
Last Seen: Floating above a house in South Carolina.