I was born in August, which means my birthday is not surrounded by official holidays or lost in the treacherous time frame of November – January. August birthdays are fun because there is nothing else to celebrate and expectations are low. An August birthday party may consist of a crackers and a flashlight and it would still be a successful party because there is nothing else to do in August.

This year’s birthday was spectacular, but I won’t bore you with the details. Instead, I will bore you with my presents – my wonderful, wonderful presents! It will take a few blog posts to get through all the goodies, but it will be worth.

I’m starting things off with a showstopper that was a gift to myself.

The Play and Store Space Adventure Bitty Bucket

Or as I call it: Bucket of Spacemen!

I found it at an overpriced gift shop inside a restaurant. Restaurant gift shop toys are a strange breed. They always seem slightly wrong and sad, as if Santa Claus brought all his crappy leftovers to the restaurant and convinced the manager that these items would sell. I have no clue how long the Bucket of Spacemen was sitting on the shelf, but I wouldn’t be surprised if a tag on the package said, “Made in East Germany.”

But it was my birthday, and I had an extra $5 in my pocket, and that’s how I became the proud owner of a bucket of spacemen, easily one of the best birthday presents you could ask for.

Let’s dig deeper, shall we?

For five bucks, you get your money’s worth. Along with the twelve assorted spacemen, the bucket also includes a “play mat” and an American flag. That’s about 41-cents per spaceman. Not bad. Show me a spaceman you can buy for less than 41-cents and I’ll be impressed.

The spacemen come in a variety of poses, but half of them are brandishing a wrench. (I’m counting the pair of pliers in the back as a wrench because it’s my birthday.) Note that they’re not in any sort of position to use the wrenches – they just sort of hold them out in the air as if bragging, “I have a wrench. Wanna see!?”

This is a strange design choice. Assuming you send twelve astronauts into space, I find it hard to believe there would ever be a situation in which half of the crew needed to constantly have a wrench at the ready. Don’t they have robots or tool belts?

Some of the wrench-men are slightly different. One holds what looks to me like a cosmic Christmas wreath. Two of them are carrying walking sticks, which makes sense because many times have I been hiking when suddenly I needed to fix a faucet.

The next two members of the crew I named Tito and Commander Douglas Boomshanks. Tito is equipped with a giant walkie-talkie, his right hand held at a position that screams, “OMG! Did you hear about Tiffany!?”

Boomshanks has a pair of high-powered space binoculars, which he is holding up in the air as if to say, “Sorry guys! I can’t help fix the spaceship because I have to use my space binoculars. See, they’re right here. And they’re mine! You wouldn’t even know how to work it and you’d get chocolate on ’em. So stay away!” Boomshanks is such brat.

The next crew member (Commander William “Lunch Box” Stetson) comes with a lunchbox and a giant…wait! ANOTHIER WRENCH?!

Or maybe it’s one of those reaching arms that my grandfather used to nab cans of soup. Hmm…walking sticks, old-fashioned walkie-talkies, reaching sticks…are these guys in their mid 70s?

Next up we meet Johan and his brother Huck.

Johan is obviously off to an important space meeting and his brother is mentally disturbed, plagued with space madness, and is about to kill the entire crew to stop the angels from whispering in his ear at night.

And lastly, we have Terry.

Terry is designed to sit, and he’s good at it. But the bucket didn’t contain anything for him to sit on. Maybe he’s supposed to sit on the bucket and rule over the other crew members from his lofty throne.

I smell an uprising.

Or maybe Terry is a bully who sits on people.

Go ahead and call for help, Tito. It won’t do any good. In space, no one can hear your complain.

And then there’s the flag.

Oh say can you see…indeed.

It’s not clear how the play mat is to be used. If you lay it flat on the ground, the perspective makes no sense. The spacemen would be standing sideways on the mountains and floating in air.

This is why I stuck the play mat on my wall and will use it as a poster to hide my escape tunnel.

Overall, the Bucket of Spacemen is fantastic. The mighty crew have been stationed around my work area, guarding and inspiring me. If you have five dollars, buy it, and I will trade you two wrench-men for your Terry.

Tune in next time for present #2. Hint: It’s not a Bucket of Spacemen.