My best friend Todd sent my a gift bag filled with fantastic items for my birthday. I’m a little late in writing this up because with hurricanes, floods, and an overall feeling that world will end in a fury of muddy water, writing about my b-day seemed unimportant. Now that we all survived and are wearing dry socks, we can focus on happy things.
Read below to see one of the best gifts a man could get.
The trees are still green and the air is still warm, so what better time to have a Christmas contest?
I’m giving away one brand new 2011 Lego Advent Calendar, and you could be the lucky winner!
Last year I opened my very first Lego Advent Calendar and wrote about each day’s item. (Click here to witness the birth of fun.) It was a glorious time and I had so much fun with the box of happiness that this year I’m buying two calendars: One for me and one for (possibly) you.
There was some debate this year if I was going to buy the standard Lego City Advent Calendar, or the new fancy Star Wars Lego Calendar. I’m sticking with the City set because the Star Wars set is double the price of the standard set and looks weak. Besides Santa Yoda, the rest of the items seem kind of…eh.
I much prefer the goofy and silly Lego City items, especially when the items are average, everyday things like sausage and extra sausage. Because I will be opening the Lego City set, that’s also the set I’m giving away. Sorry, Star Wars fans.
The contest is being held now because the Lego Advent Calendars are becoming more and more popular and there’s a very real chance that they will sell out by November. Plus, with shipping and whatnot, I want to make sure the winner receives the item before December so they can stare at the box every day with the same maddening anticipation that I feel. Actually, I hide the box from my eyes to avoid possible spoilers depicted in the box art, and I advise the winner to do the same.
To enter the contest, you must take the following Laser Farm pop quiz and score a 100%.
All answers can be found somewhere on this very webzone. Some are easy to find, some will take more digging. Most questions, but not all, pertain to last year’s Lego Advent Calendar blog posts. There are specific answers to the questions. Only those who answer all questions correctly will be officially entered to win. A random winner will be chosen from the correct entries next Tuesday.
Send your answers to LaserFarmContest@gmail.com
Questions:
1. On the final list of Lego items, what item did I rank sixth overall?
2. What is Sword Boy’s full name?
3. The Christmas character Tootles has a catchphrase. What is the catchphrase and which celebrity do I want to play Tootles in the movie?
4. What does the Dairy Elf have instead of arms?
5. Sword Boy stood on the werewolf. Why did he do this?
6. What two items does Thaddeus (probably) keep in his briefcase?
7. What name appeared third on Santa’s nice list?
8. What did Sword Boy turn into after using a magical mystery item?
9. Beneath the Christmas tree in my room last year, a certain celebrity was dressed as Santa. Who is the celebrity?
10. What superhero does Cat Girl turn into?
The contest is open to anyone living in the contiguous United States. (Apologies to the citizens of Hawaii, Alaska, and Neptune.) The contest ends next Monday, September 12th at midnight (EST). The random winner will be notified via email. The winner will have 24 hours to reply to the notification and send me their address, or else I’m picking a new winner. Stay alert.
The prize will be sent directly to the winner from an online retailer.
If you are under the age of 18, please ask your parents for permission before entering.
Only one entry per person will be accepted.
This contest is not sponsored by or affiliated with any company or organization.
Good luck!
I was born in August, which means my birthday is not surrounded by official holidays or lost in the treacherous time frame of November – January. August birthdays are fun because there is nothing else to celebrate and expectations are low. An August birthday party may consist of a crackers and a flashlight and it would still be a successful party because there is nothing else to do in August.
This year’s birthday was spectacular, but I won’t bore you with the details. Instead, I will bore you with my presents – my wonderful, wonderful presents! It will take a few blog posts to get through all the goodies, but it will be worth.
I’m starting things off with a showstopper that was a gift to myself.
I want to interview you. Yes, you.
In the coming weeks and decades I will start interviewing random people and transcribing the interviews for funny posts on this very website. These interviews will be short and great. They may be conducted in a chat window, via e-mail, Skype, semaphore, Google, Yappers, Titoe, FuzzleBot, or any other form of communication. (Some of those may not be real forms of communication…yet.)
The questions will be fun, goofy, and nice. I won’t make you appear stupid. All stupid jokes will be done to make myself seem stupid. The end result will be something that is entertaining and (hopefully) funny.
As a hot-shot professional magazine writer, I have interviewed billions of people including ultra-mega celebrities such as Bam Margera, Stacy Keibler, and some woman whose name I forget but it was probably something like Bridget McTiffany who starred in a TBS show that I think was called Nurse Doctors…or something. You could join this prestigious list!
Now I’m using my amazing interview skills for Dan’s Interview Project of Goodness (better title TK.) [TK is a technical publishing term. It means “Toby Keith.”]
Interested in being part of this project? Keep reading!
Criteria:
Must be 18 or older. I know many of my readers are younger, but sadly the world is a creepy awful place and you shouldn’t be talking to strangers if you’re not an adult. I’m sure you understand. My legal and ethics teams are currently working hard to see if we can change this, but for the time being: Adults only. If you’re underage, keep in mind that I could interview your parents, teachers, older siblings, dog catchers, or president. If you know someone above the age of 18 who would be interested, send them this pitch. I need a lot of people to interview, so spread the word!
Be real. I’m only interested in interviewing real people, and not the eccentric British character you improvised named Hilary Bossombottom, who enjoys feathers and butlers. If I suspect you’re lying/acting, the interview will come to sad, abrupt end. I don’t mind using fake names for the sake of anonymity, but your answers and personality should be 100% honest.
Legal junk. Before raising your hand and offering your words, know that there’s a small chance these interviews will be collected in book form. If/when this happens, you may need to sign a form giving me permission to use your words in the book. If you don’t like the idea of signing things, please don’t offer to participate.
If I haven’t creeped you out yet, and you still want to be part of this incredible project, please contact me at dan@laserfarm.com or you can contact me publicly on my Facebook wall. Or stop by the Starbucks I’m currently visiting. (I’m the dopey guy in the back who appears to be hard at work but is secretly just writing the words “Jetpacks ahoy!” again and again on his computer.)
To give you a general idea of what the interviews will hopefully look like, here are two interviews that I wrote up for SparkNotes.
Interview with Spellbound Author Cara Lynn Shultz
Interview with an English Teacher
And for reading this entire thing, here’s a link to a picture of a dog. Enjoy.
UPDATE:
I’m getting a lot of great responses. To keep track of everyone please either join this brand new Facebook page or send me an e-mail to dan@laserfarm.com. If you simply say “Interview me” on my Facebook wall, there’s a small chance you will get lost in the shuffle, so liking the Fanpage or sending an e-mail is your best bet. In the coming week, I’ll send out more information to those interested, including a brief questionnaire to help get us all organized with technology and whatnot. Thanks again. You are amazing.
UPDATE #2:
I’m getting your e-mails and reading them all. I promise. I’ll reply to everyone in the next few days.
I was contacted on Facebook by a lovely young woman named Elena. Elena’s mom works at a school for the deaf, and Elena asked if could write a story about A Wizarding School for Deaf Students. Instead of a story, I wrote a poem (because I’m wearing my poetry pants today). Hope you like it, Elena! Thanks!
Wizards of Sign
By Dan Bergstein
At the Wizarding School for the hearing impaired,
The students are silent, but not unprepared.
With their deft, mighty fingers and magical thoughts,
They can summon a dragon or charm Bertie Botts.
With a ninja-like stealth that you must admire,
The language of sign is all they require.
To blast a Dementor, they need only blink.
To Accio a broom, they need only think.
There’s a sign for Stupefy, but it’s secret and fast.
You’ll hear only your scream by the time that it’s cast.
And when it’s dark out, shouting seems dumb.
So Lumos is cast using only a thumb.
Some can read lips, most can read minds.
Some can read knees, throats, eyes, and hair of all kinds.
The students are brave and so very smart,
They knew Snape was good, right from the start.
With a wave of their hand, they tame a hippogriff.
They can locate a Horcrux with one simple sniff.
While Harry Potter and Ron must holler and yell,
These students are silent, yet know every spell.
They are tricky and cunning; as quiet as a cat.
They might be in this room. Did you just feel that?
I played my first game of Scrabble with my grandmother. I must have been in first or second grade and just beginning to grasp the concepts of spelling and reading. The words I spelled were simple and elegant: The, is, zoo, we, cat. My brother, who is two years older and wiser than I am, spelled more elaborate words such as “home” and “banana.” My grandmother, who had quite the competitive spirit, spelled “bitch” and tallied her points as she asked us in her think Austrian accent, “You know what that means, right? It’s a lady dog.” She won that game. She always won.
There are hundreds of grandma stories too bawdy and hilarious to share here, including the time she told us all that monogamy was unnatural. The term feisty doesn’t do justice to her unique personality. A beautiful petite woman, most had no idea what they were getting into when they started a conversation with grandma.
She passed away last night at the age of 97, having lived one of the fullest lives I could ever imagine. She escaped Nazi Europe with my grandfather, started a new life in New York City, traveled, raised a family, and once tossed a wild owl out of her house by grabbing the talons and heaving it out the door. To say she’ll be missed is an understatement. And her recipe for matzo ball soup will forever be unmatched. Rest in peace, Grandma.
Name: Skycore the Huntress
Powers: Skycore is a powerful goddess who can control lightning and melt bones with her mind knives. She can also communicate with sharks and bend time. However, she’s very lazy. Very, very lazy. Instead of using her powers, she decides to watch YouTube clips while eating Wheat Thins dipped in peanut butter. Often she doesn’t wake up until noon. Is that a power? Because she’s really good at it.
Weaknesses: The internet. Wheat Thins. Reality TV game shows.
Origin: She was born when the cosmos was a barren abyss void of time and reason. She has been here longer than infinity. Her’s is a history of power and madness. She destroyed kingdoms with a wave of her hands, battled the Earth’s mightiest warriors, conquered entire planets! And then one day the internet was invented and it robbed her of all ambition.
Rules: She hates going places and doing stuff.
Description: She wears pajama bottoms, flip flops (even in January) and a frumpy sweatshirt. Also, her blood is made of crystal.
Name: The Ghost of William Shakespeare
Powers: He can scare you.
Weaknesses: Physics.
Origin: Because gravity has no effect on ghosts, the ghost of William Shakespeare did not rotate along with the planet Earth and he was left to hover in the cold vastness of space as the planet slowly moved onward.
Rules: He could have floated in sync with the rotation of the Earth, but after 17 minutes of that, he got tired and gave up.
Description: It’s tough to tell him apart from the billions and billions of other ghosts littering the cosmos. He does wear goofy collars, though.
Name: Thesh
Powers: Thesh is a demonic snake with hair made of tiny people. If you stare at the Thesh, nothing will happen. But if a stone stares at the Thesh or, more likely, if the Thesh stares at a stone, the stone will turn into a person.
Weaknesses: Ladders. The vacuum of space. Lava. Panthers.
Origin: Thesh was once the pet of an evil sorceress named Tina. During a mountain hike with her pet, Tina was crushed to death in an avalanche of confused naked people.
Rules: The rocks that the Thesh turns into people are generally annoying and brag a lot about college. If you’re near a person who brags about college, chances are that person is a former rock.
Description: Snake with people for hair. The people are genuinely nice and have the cutest Irish accents.
