Daily Transmission #9: Another Online Opinion About “La La Land”

La La Land is a fun movie. The 8,000 online articles and Tweets about the movie and “the return of musicals” and how “the country really needs this right now” are not so fun. Shut up. Stop talking about this movie as if it’s Hamilton 2. Why are so many people falling over themselves to praise La La Land?

It’s just a fun movie. There were many fun movies this year. There are many fun musicals in the universe. Why is this one placed on such a high pedestal? And remember — I liked the movie. It’s not a bad movie. It’s a fun movie.

I would have enjoyed La La Land even more if I didn’t go into the theater expecting the most amazing piece of cinema since Edison first captured moving images with chemicals. There’s a level of hype around La La Land that is impossible to live up to. It seems movie bloggers and critics want La La Land to be a perfect, amazing thing and hope to make it so by will and word count alone.

La La Land is not the greatest artistic achievement of the new millennia. It is a good, fun movie. I’m glad I saw it. I might see it again in a few years.

But come on…it’s not like this is Jesus Christ Superstar. JCS was a movie worthy of hype. JCS is a pop-art masterpiece. JCS is my favorite movie musical.

In Middle School, my summer job was mowing lawns — or rather, mowing lawn. I mowed one lawn. It was the lawn of a family friend who took pity on my lack of employment and offered me $20 a week to mow the lawn. To pass the time (because how could a Middle School kid ever get anything done without rockin’ tunes?) I would listen to rockin’ tunes on my budget walkman at max volume while mowing the lawn. This was before I had a CD walkman and in a decade when “iPod” was how toddlers asked to use the bathroom, so I could only listen to cassettes. The Jesus Christ Superstar soundtrack (film soundtrack, not Broadway) was in my walkman for most of the summer. I had it memorized. I wore the tape out. I loved it. I still love it. I still know most of the words.

If you haven’t seen the movie/stage show Jesus Christ Superstar, here’s the best way I can describe it: Hippies out hippy themselves with their hippiness.

It’s goofy and corny. The acting is over-the-top terrible and the songs sound like they were written by theater kids who stayed after rehearsal to mess around with the piano until their parents pick them up. The anachronistic use of modern weapons and clothes is so forced it hurts the brain. And the “twist” ending is laughable. But it works. It all works so well! It works much better than it should!

It’s a movie of its time. And that’s okay.

No one would make a Jesus Christ Superstar movie today, or if they did, it would be too bland and boring, without any of the heart or sincerity of the 1973 film. They’d get Armie Hammer to play Jesus and Olivia Munn to play Mary Magdalene. Terrence Howard would turn the soulful, complicated Judas into a stale loaf of a character. Seth Rogen would be added as a disciple for unneeded comic relief. There would be big budget special effects and soft makeup that would hide the sweat and grit on the faces of the actors. And a new song and scene set in China would be added to get those precious Chinese movie dollars. It would be too safe.

The 1973 movie was not nominated for best picture (though a few actors received Golden Globe noms). It did not light the world on fire with its box office take of $24 million. It’s remembered more for being controversial (Jesus…singing?!?) than for its music or staging. But it was weird and wild and unlike anything else. And it existed. It actually happened.

That’s why it’s my favorite movie musical.

La La Land is okay, too.

Daily Transmission #7: Weather Report

NEWS ANCHOR KIRK FATHOMS
…and despite the lion’s appetite, none of the astronauts were injured. Now let’s get a check on the weather from Channel 18’s Dory Milltrout. Dory, what can we expect with this storm?

DORY MILLTROUT
Thanks Kirk. We’re tracking the storm and it looks like we could be in for some significant snowfall totals. Let’s take a look at the big board.

As you can see, the storm is moving in from the west and bringing with it a lot of moisture. Now, the storm could change track, and instead of snow, we may end up with three inches of dead turtles. It all depends on how the storm tracks. The next twelve hours are critical.

The computer models for the storm can’t seem to agree on snowfall/turtle totals. In fact, one model says the storm will miss us completely, but this is the same weather model that once told us Vicky’s party was a costume party, when it was definitely not a costume party. So…that’s something to consider. Continue reading

Daily Transmission #6: My Pitch For Cars 3

There have been a few teaser trailers for Disney/Pixar’s Cars 3. It looks like it’ll be a darker movie.

I liked the first Cars and cannot remember anything at all about Cars 2.

Here is my pitch for Cars 3, a darker story for a darker time.

The film opens with Lightning McQueen racing around a track and being cocky. And then he crashes. We’ve seen this in the teaser trailer, so I’m sticking with it.

Here’s the twist: McQueen dies. He’s dead. His car isn’t alive anymore.

The car parts are disassembled and recycled as a sad folk song plays. Everyone in the theater is crying. At the recycling plant, we see the metal and plastic of his body being melted down and formed into new material. The recycled metal is made into screws.

We then see a bunch of recycled screws being juggled down an assembly line. We follow a few screws closely, screws we know were once part of Lightning McQueen. Where are they going? The screws are packed up and shipped out. The folk song hits a very low note. Is this the end? Screen goes black as shipping truck door slams.

The door opens. There’s a bright light. The folk song hits a happier chord. Something is happening. But what? The boxes of screws are poured into sorting machines. We follow the same four screws. More assembly lines. More music. Look at the detail on these machines! Pixar loves detail!

And then the screws are picked up and placed into…something.

Camera pulls back. It’s a Buzz Lightyear doll. A new one. With new screws…screws that were once Lightning McQueen’s flesh and bones.

The doll is stiff at first.

When it’s alone in the box, its eyes blink and he looks around. McQueen’s voice speaks, “What? What is going on?”

Cars 3 logo appears on the screen.

Rest of the movie is Lightning McQueen in a Buzz Lightyear body grappling with questions such as: Where did the cars from Cars come from? Do Cars have babies? Is there a Car god? Who makes the toys?

Film ends with Lightning McQueen Lightyear crucified for asking difficult questions. He looks directly at the camera before dying and whispers, “You.”

Also, there’s a big chase scene in a mall parking lot on Black Friday. It’s fun!

Daily Transmission #5: Must-See Movies of 2017

Pop the corn and get ready! Here are the best films to see in 2017.

Star Wars Episode VIII: Force It
Who are Rey’s parents? What does the Force taste like? Does Luke have secrets? What is BB-8’s origin story? What are the names of every stormtrooper? Where on the sexuality spectrum does Boba Fett live? Can Yoda be in this one? How about two Death Stars at the same damn time!? Is Kylo Ren a ghost? All will be answered!

Back to the Future: Rise of Time
In this all-female reboot, teenager Martha McFly must travel back to 1985 to make sure her parents fall in love at prom. 80s references galore! The movie exists outside of the original movie, and yet there are references to the original movie so that audiences will be left confused. The trailer gives away the only funny joke, which is about Donald Trump being president in 2017.

Untitled PG-13 Movie Starring The Rock
The Rock plays Craig or maybe Eli — a cop (or dentist? or renegade soldier?) who tilts his head often and says, “Not today, bub.” Plot involves jumping/falling from helicopters and a car flips over. Soundtrack relies heavily on 80s pop rock, though the trailer makes great use of “Who Let the Dogs Out.” Kevin Hart is there, also. Movie is somehow based on an old TV show that everyone vaguely remembers. (Not sure what show yet. Doesn’t really matter. Whatever’s available. Maybe China Beach, or Northern Exposure?)

Continue reading

Daily Transmission #4: Interviewing David Lynch

Celebrity interviews are rarely good. This is not the fault of the writer, or the interview subject. The very concept is flawed. There are only so many ways you can ask, “Tell me about your latest project,” and only so many ways a celebrity can answer.

It’s like asking, “What’s the capital of Pennsylvania?” The answer will be Harrisburg, or, if the interview subject is quite clever, “Not Miami.” You can’t ask for the capital of Pennsylvania and expect the interview subject to explain their thoughts on the human condition. There’s just not much meat in the question, or the format.

Ask a celebrity about their latest project and they will spit out the one sentence, well-rehearsed answer which will lead to a stale anecdote about something mildly funny that happened on the set of the new movie.

And the interview ends.

It’s the nature of the beast. That’s how quick, celebrity interviews are handled. (Spoiler Alert: It’s all marketing, and if you needed me to tell you that, deduct 100 points from your final score.)

I’ve interviewed between 50 and 1,000,000 people for stories during my career. I can’t keep track of them all. They happen fast and are forgotten seconds after the story is published. Continue reading

Daily Transmission #3: The Problem With Infinite Realities

The concept of multiple universes or infinite realities seems to have taken hold of our sci-fi/fantasy worlds recently. One basic theory: Every decision you make creates a reality, but there also exists trillions upon billions of other realities based on the decisions you didn’t make. If you drink orange juice in the morning, your reality is based on that decision. Drink milk instead, and another you — an alternate you — will experience an alternate reality with different events.

Walk that theory out past your brain meat and you get something that states: There exists an infinite number of realities in which an infinite number of possibilities occur.

As such, there is a reality for everything — a reality in which you’re reading this on a beach in Hawaii, another in which you’re not reading this at all because you died in a fight with a dinosaur, another reality in which you can’t understand these words because they are not written in Moon Language, your native tongue. There is a reality for every scenario.

Cool stuff, right?

But there’s a huge problem with that thinking, something that has given me headaches and nosebleeds for months.

Consider this: If there are are infinite number of realities, one of those realities must be a reality without any other realities. Therefore, we must be in that reality because there can only be that one reality, because we’re already in it.

Confused? SHUT UP! I’m not an astro-doctor, so it’s difficult to express my think sauce clearly.

Let me try to repeat the idea again with different words.

If there is a reality for every possibility, one of those possibilities must be a reality in which no other realities exist. And if that one reality exists, no other realities can exist…so that must be the one we’re living in.

Get it?

It helps if you’ve been drinking a lot of coffee, but trust me…my findings are sound. And I’m not just saying that so you’ll stop trying to find the Good Dan who is definitely not trapped in the Laser Farm root cellar. So don’t even bother looking there.

Daily Transmission #2: Last Year’s Soundtrack

I’m not a music nerd, so forgive me if my year-end list is a little obvious or lame. Here are the songs I’ve listened to the most in 2016. Some are new songs, others are songs new to me.

Let’s not fight about this.

“Fill In the Blank” by Car Seat Headrest
It sounds like something from high school that was transported into the future where I listen to it as an adult.

“Lady Luck” by Richard Swift
This came up on my Spotify’s Discover playlist, and is one of the few times when Spotify totally gets me. I don’t know who Richard Swift is, or if his other music is any good, but I loved this song all year.

“715 – Creeks” by Bon Iver
That’s not the correct way to spell the song’s title. The actual title is made of symbols that would require me to hit the control key, or shift, or F7 to generate the accurate text. But let’s just call it Creeks. Bon Iver’s latest album, “22, A Million”, is a weird collection of alien folk rock that sounds like it was made by an artificially intelligent keyboard with a beard. I like it…I think. I listened to the album, and this song in particular, a lot during a very rough August/September period of the year when my family was dealing with a great loss. As such, this song is now associated with that time and those feelings.

“Famous” by Kanye West
Kanye West is an asshole, but I’m glad he exists. Too much pop music is safe and precious. If a pop star dares to try anything new, or say anything strange, Twitter will attack with enough ferocity to kill a career. But Kanye does whatever the hell he wants, and I admire that even if he’s also an egotistical sack of stupid. Plus, this song is great.

“Frankie’s Gun” by The Felice Brothers
Makes me happy, even if the subject matter is grim.

“I Really Like You” by Carly Rae Jepsen
Makes me happy, even if the subject matter is corny.

“Hurdy Gurdy Man” by Donovan
This is an old song, but I “discovered” it this year and put it on most of my playlists. If you haven’t heard the song yet, listen to it. It’s weird in the best way.

“Super Mario World” by Logic
“Oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my goodness, oh my God!” It gets in your head and lives there all day.

“Walk on the Wild Side” by Jimmy Smith
I heard this jazz song for years, thanks to the Casino soundtrack, but I re-discovered it this year. So good! So jazzy! So cool!

And that’s about it. There are some other great songs, but too many to mention here.

Daily Transmission #1: New Stuff, Every Day!

Welcome to the very first Daily Transmission, a new series of words and things. Every day there will be chunk of content produced from my mystic barn on the sparkling Laser Farm.

This is more for me than it is for you, but since you’re here, I’ll explain: I do hereby promise to generate at least one page of content every day in 2017. This content may include, but is not limited to: Stories, news, opinions, reviews, words, drawings, memories, more words, so many words, all of the words, and a few flavors.

Some days will be stand-alone posts, others will be on-going stories. Some of it is non-fiction, some of it fiction…and you’ll be able to tell which is which because I will tell you. You’ll get the gist of it as I go. Or maybe you already ran away because sweet-mother-of-mayhem, this sounds so very self-indulgent. This is a half-step above telling you about the dream I had last night, or making you watch my dance recital, or the talky parts of hip-hop albums.

But here we are. And as I clearly stated a few sentences ago, this is more for me than for you. I’ve been hiding away on the Laser Farm too long, and need to shove some wonderful ideas and silly thoughts into the galaxy. The best way to do this is to force myself to do this. So…new year, new thing, new discipline. New!

If you find this to be some straight-up artsy fartsy rat crap, I don’t blame you. But, and this is important, if you do run away right now, you’re going to miss a short story about carrots that I’ll post at a later date.

Will this little daily experiment be huzzah or huzzum? I don’t know.

I have no outline or plans, no grand scheme or ulterior motive.

I have thoughts in my brain and I want to share them with people. A daily blast of electronic words and images seems like fun. And because this is my own website, I can write what I want without the words getting lost or limited by Twitter or Facebook. (Have you ever tried to find an old Facebook post? It’s like trying to find a needle in a metaphor!)

That’s all.

There are no trumpets to sound or bells to ring — I’m just gonna make stuff. Every day. Daily.

Also, this counts as Day 1.

This is my experiment. I make the rules. Do your own experiment. (e.g. How many spiders must you eat before you get used to it?)

And look at that! One whole page finished! Easy. I got this.

Welcome! Enjoy!