Chapter Thirteen: Confessions
Better Title: Edythe Had a Little Lamb

This is perhaps the most famous chapter of the entire series, besides the birth scene. Here we see Edythe glitter and run, and Beau gets kissed!

It starts with Edythe stepping out in the sun wearing nothing but a tank top and jeans. When the sun hits her skin, she explodes and the book ends.

Of course that’s not true. We all know that when a Twilight vampire stands in the sun, they glitter like the aftermath of a third grade craft project. Beau can’t handle the blinding beauty and nearly dissolves into a mess of blubbers and spit. Continue reading →

Chapter Twelve: Balancing
Better Title: It Took Beau 199 Pages To Notice Edythe’s Boobs

He did it! He noticed Edythe’s boobs! Right there on page 199, he mentions “the gentle swell of her breasts.” And I think he only mentioned it because he had already commented on every other part of her body.

He spent paragraphs poetically describing each cell of her neck skin. He told us countless times about her “long” eyes. (What are long eyes? Is Edythe some malformed anime character?) Beau even told us, again and again, how great Edythe’s fingers look.

In the original manuscript of this pseudo-book, I assume Stephenie Meyer also included chapters of elbow descriptions, back-of-the-knee similes, and voluminous studies on how Edythe’s gallbladder was as beautiful as a rosebud and more delicate than a fairy’s fart. Continue reading →