Name: Middle-Aged Twilight Fan

Real Name: Usually Barbra or Aunt Barbra. Or Shelly. Sometimes Diane.

Powers: They have unlimited access to evil black magiks. Deadly scorpions dwell in their mighty purses. They can also communicate with carpet and eat raw dirt.

Weaknesses: Reality. Quality story telling. Books that aren’t movies. Lava. Honesty.

Origin: Every action has an opposite reaction. Middle-Aged Twilight Fans are opposite reactions to cute baby bunnies being born. That’s how evil they are.

Rules: If you question their choice of literature, they will slowly kill you over the course of 100 years, by using what they only refer to as “The Dark Winds.”

Description: They smell pathetic.

Name: The Three-Headed Foot

Real Names: Molly, Gus, and Mr. Shovel. (Mr. Shovel wears glasses, of course.)

Powers: Molly and Gus are cool, but Mr. Shovel can murder you. Don’t ask how he does it. You won’t like the answer.

Weaknesses: They have difficulty climbing spiral staircases. Molly hates loud noises. Gus isn’t a fan of cows. Mr. Shovel isn’t very good at crossword puzzles. Mr. Shovel and Molly are allergic to lava.

Origin: This is what happens when you don’t eat enough corn.

Rules: Molly isn’t allowed to watch R-rated movies.

Description: Three heads attached to one rather large foot. It is naked, but not in a fun way.

Name: The Visible Pig

Powers: Good at pig activities.

Weaknesses: Just about everything.

Origin: It’s a pig with a proud, imaginative owner.

Rules: The owner may also try to convince you that he owns an invisible rabbit which he covered in rabbit fur so it wouldn’t get lost or feel bad about itself for being different.

Description: It’s a pig you can see.

Name: The Hawkodile

Powers: Strong bite. Shrewd Monopoly player.

Weaknesses: Lava. Powerful robots. Long lines. Deforestation.

Origin: The Hawkodile is the result of an accident involving a zoo, a glue truck, and a little boy’s birthday wish.

Rules: The Hawkodile attacks those who tag him in Facebook photos without his authorization.

Description: Part crocodile. Mostly hawk.