You know who kicks all the Christmas ass?

This guy.

That’s King Moonracer, from Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.

He’s a lion with a wings and his name is Moonracer, which sounds like a Star Wars character. He’s the leader of the Island of Misfit Toys, and he deserves his own holiday special and annoyingly-catchy Christmas song.

Something like:

Up in sky there’s a Christmas beast
Looking down on what to feast
He watches over us, everyone
He has teeth and wings and fun!

And then there’d be a clapping part and something about the importance of telling the truth. We need more new songs about mythical holiday creatures. If it ended in fart sounds and baby cries, it would still be a better song than “Baby It’s Cold Outside.”

I watched the new trailer for Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them. It look great, from this brief tease. And it got me thinking about the holiday creatures and the songs and why there aren’t any new songs. And then I thought of Moonracer. And then I spent a few hours on that song.

So…that’s how that happened.

Yesterday’s Lego item was a show-stopper. That means I’m not expecting much from today’s door.

What will it be? Continue reading →

By this time next week, there will be a new Star Wars movie living in our memories. That’s crazy.

We’re just days away…hours, really…minutes, technically…from returning to the Star Wars universe. Since we all know how the internet works, here’s my prediction for fan reaction.

Phase 1: Brag about seeing it. “Just got back from Star Wars! IT WAS INSANE! Here are pictures of me from Star Wars…which is where I just was.”

Phase 2: Love. “This is the greatest thing human beings can accomplish! To see this movie is to gaze upon the face of God and hear her whisper, ‘Yes.'”

Phase 3: Hate. “It wasn’t that great. Watch my 3-hour YouTube video in which I describe every plot hole in the movie as still images appear on the screen.”

Phase 4: Troll. “This is a complete bag of vomit. The effects look terrible. I’m more excited for Captain America: Civil War. That movie is going to be way better than Star Wars.”

Phase 5: Realizing no one cares what you say. “Hey! Did you hear me?! Attention all humans, I have thoughts on Star Wars! Please like, comment and subscribe! Hello?”

Phase 6: Looking to the future. “I bet the next one will suck.”

Phase 7: Politicize it. “THiS movie reAlly prooves that liberals/conservatives is waging WAR against this county. SIgn this peTIitshon to stop things.”

Phase 8: Compare it to soup. “If this movie were a soup, it would be….”

Phase 9: Explain it to Grandma. “No, Grandma. It’s not like E.T..”

Phase 10: Acceptance. “The movie was good.”

So what’s in today’s Lego Calendar? Glad you asked! Continue reading →

Last night I watched The Empire Strikes Back. My favorite moment might be the double-take Vader does at the end, after the Millennium Falcon makes the jump to hyperspace. It’s barely two seconds long, but it’s great.

Yesterday’s item wasn’t exactly a dud, but I hope something extra-magnificent comes out of the door today.

Today’s item item is… Continue reading →

We’re halfway through this box of bricks, and that means…nothing really.

For those interested in magic pencils, I only have two sets of Power Pencils Series One that can come with the carrying case. That’s it! After these two are sold, I’ll have no more carrying cases…which I hand made using hands and a sewing machine. Order yours today or else everything will be terrible and your Power Pencils will by flying around like bees! Bees!

Today’s item is… Continue reading →

Like trying to grab a greased-up watermelon from a kiddie pool, the holiday season is slipping away from me. I’m trying not to panic, but the to-do list is long and the days are short and HOW THE HELL AM I GONNA DO IT ALL?

Thankfully, the Lego Calendar is here to steady my mind and clear away the stress.

Give me something good today, Calendar. I need it.

Today’s item is… Continue reading →

Anyone else stressing about the holidays? No? Just me then.

It’s 60-degrees outside, which would be normal December temperature…in Mordor! But here in the North East, December should be cold. The feeling outside is weird and wrong, like wearing a swimsuit as underwear.

December should be cold, coffee should be hot and sandwiches should have chips crammed inside. Those are facts.

Maybe today’s Lego item will help make the weather outside frightful.

Today’s item is… Continue reading →

We’re just days away from a brand new Star Wars movie! Remember this time, my friends. This is the good time. If Disney follows through on their plans, there will be a new Star Wars movie every year until the end of humans (and the return of the ‘Dactyls!). That means this feeling of anticipation that we all have will never be as sweet and hopeful as it is today.

Soon we’ll know how these new Star Warses look and feel. We’ll know where the story is going and who the players are. But right now? It’s still a glorious mystery.

Enjoy it. I am.

Today’s Lego item is… Continue reading →

So far, I’d say the Lego Star Wars Advent Calendar has been wonderful this year. The first week gave us sail barges, sand crawlers, Frisco and an Ewok playset.

I’m thinking today’s item will be a mini-figure, since Frisco seems lonely.

What lives behind the cardboard door? Continue reading →

Happy Hanukkah! I built my own menorah out of Lego, and will use Lego people as the candles. Is it traditional? No. But Batman is the centerpiece, so I think God would approve.

If you’ve read these blogs thoroughly, you’ll know I’m half-Jewish. My father is Jewish and still attends services Friday nights. My mother was a Christian Sunday School teacher for most of her life. And they loved each other, and made it work. So I’m the best of both worlds! My parents never forced my brother or me into one religion or the other. Instead, they answered questions if we had them, and then let us figure things out on our own. My beliefs were forged from that and lead to the creation of “Dan Bergstein’s Life Path System of Living.” The first four rules of “Dan Bergstein’s Life Path System of Living” are as follows:

Rule 1: Be Good.
Rule 2: Be Humble. (Which is difficult because I’m so very pretty.)
Rule 3: Treat all people with respect and kindness, even if you’re feeling cranky.
Rule 4: Don’t just assume you know karate.

These rules have treated me well in life.

Because I didn’t have a menorah, and because counting things via Lego is how I spend most of December, I decided to build one. My girlfriend helped, because it took some time to find all the pieces in my Lego bucket. I’m very pleased with the end result.

And now you ask, “Since you’re half-Jewish, are you only gonna ‘light’ four of them candles?”

No. That’s stupid. I don’t stop my countdown to the birth of Jesus on Day 12.

And then you say, “You shouldn’t be playing with them toys, nerd.” And then I nearly forget Rule 4 of “Dan Bergstein’s Life Path System of Living.”

Bee Girl is the first candle, and I’m sure there’s a Maccabees/Bee Girl joke to be made, but I’m not sure what the joke is. Thoughts?

Yesterday’s Lego calendar item was confusing but interesting. Today’s item is… Continue reading →

Yesterday was a very Christmas-y day. My girlfriend and I went to an indie craft show (which is just a craft show, but because it has “indie” in the title, I feel like a cool hip man). That’s where we bought the ornament you see above. She’s a gnome. Her name is Hazel. She comes to life at night and protects us from evil.

I’m always tempted to sell my Power Pencils (easily available at PowerPencis.com!) at one of these events. But there are three problems:

1. I don’t have much inventory. My operation is small, so I keep inventory as low as possible so that I’m not stuck with excess product — because if you have magic pencils just sitting around, chances are good that burglars or the Evil Queen Rantula will hunt you down and steal them…and then it’s game over, Earth. (For more on Queen Rantula, please read the instruction manuals included with every Power Pencil.) So if I had a table at a craft show, it would look tiny and empty. That’s not good for sales.

2. Pencils are small and easily stolen. Most craft sellers have items too large to just swipe from a table, but I worry that my precious pencils would be eaten up by thieves (and evil Queen Rantula’s goons). When people see pencils on a table, they’ll just assume they’re free. I could hide them behind glass cases, but then I’d need to buy glass cases.

3. I’m scared.

So that’s why I’m not selling Power Pencils at craft shows…yet.

After the craft show, my girlfriend and I watched Star Wars: Episode 4. Still great! But why doesn’t Wedge get a medal at the end? Dude was up there flying around the Death Star. Dude risked his life. Give him a medal! And Chewie gets one too!

So far, most of the items in the Lego Calendar have been Tatooine-focused. Maybe today I’ll get blue milk or Aunt Beru’s charred corpse! (That was dark. I’m sorry.)

Today’s item is… Continue reading →